MAN'S VOICE:WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN YEARS OLD I FELL IN LOVE.
TED:HEY, RENISE.
RENISE:HEY.
TED:SO WHAT'S UP?
RENISE:EH.
TED:GREAT.GREAT.SO LISTEN, UH, I WAS WONDERING IF MAYBE YOU WANTED TO GO TO THE PROM YOU KNOW, WITH ME.
TED:IT'S NO BIG DEAL, WHATEVER I MEAN, IF YOU WANT.
RENISE:SEE, THE THING IS, I HEARD A RUMOR THAT THIS GUY I LIKE WAS GONNA ASK ME.
TED:UH-HUH.
RENISE:YEAH, SO.I'M GONNA WAIT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS THERE.BUT THAT SOUNDS GREAT, YEAH.
TED:OKAY.SO IS THAT A YES OR A NO?
RENISE:I THINK I WAS VERY CLEAR, TED.IF EVERYTHING ELSE FALLS APART, MAYBE.
TED:I'M GONNA HOLD YOU TO THAT.
MAN'S VOICE:HER NAME WAS MARY.SHE'D MOVED TO OUR LITTLE RHODE ISLAND TOWN FROM MINNESOTA TWO YEARS EARLIER.
MAN'S VOICE:MARY WAS VERY SMART, AND VERY COOL, AND SHE HAD A FACEFUL OF EYES THAT PROMISED YOU A BETTER LIFE IF YOU COULD ONLY KNOW HER.
FRIEND #1:HEY, DIRTBUD, WHO YOU GOING TO THE PROM WITH?
TED:AH, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M EVEN GONNA.YOU KNOW, NOT MY STYLE.
FRIEND #2:YOU HAVE A STYLE?
FRIEND #1:WHY DON'T YOU BE A GENTLEMAN AND ASK ROSEY?
TED:WHO?
FRIEND #1:ROSEY PALM, YOUR GIRLFRIEND.GOD KNOWS YOU SPEND ENOUGH FUCKING TIME WITH HER.
TED:YEAH, AND WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE, YOUR OWN PALM?
FRIEND #1:CLEVER.I LIKE THE WAY YOU JUST SPUN THAT AROUND ON ME.
FRIEND #2:I WONDER WHO SHE'S GOING WITH.
FRIEND #1:SOME GUY NAMED WOOGIE.
TED:WHO?
FRIEND #1:BIG GUY-GOES TO BARRINGTON HIGH SCHOOL.
TED:WOOGIE FROM BORRINGTON HIGH? SOUNDS LIKE A LOSER.
FRIEND #1:LOSER? WOOGIE WAS ALL-STATE FOOTBALL AND AND BASKETBALL AND VALEDICTORIAN OF HIS CLASS.
FRIEND #2:I HEARD HE GOT A SCHOLARSHIP TO PRINCETON BUT HE'S GOING TO EUROPE FIRST TO MODEL.
FRIEND #3:YEAH AND HE'S GOT A HUGE COCK.
FRIEND #3:I HEARD.
FRIEND #1:HEY, CHECK IT OUT.
EAR-MUFF GUY:YOU SEEN MY BASEBALL?
CAR HOOD KID #2:NO.
EAR-MUFF GUY:YOU SEEN MY BASEBALL?
CAR HOOD KID #1:THIS GUY MUST BE IN THE 'TARD SQUAD.HEY, BUDDY, COME HERE, I THINK I KNOW WHERE YOUR BALL IS.
EAR-MUFF GUY:YOU SEEN MY BASEBALL?
CAR HOOD KID #1:YEAH, I SEEN IT.THAT GIRL OVER THERE, SHE HAS IT.
CAR HOOD KID #2:'CEPT SHE DOESN'T CALL IT A BASEBALL.SHE HAS ANOTHER NAME FOR IT.
EAR-MUFF GUY:YOU SEEN MY PECKER?
GIRL:WHAT?!
EAR-MUFF GUY:YOU SEEN MY PECKER?
BOYFRIEND:YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH, I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!
TED:TAKE IT EASY, SMOKEY.
BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY:THIS FUCKING PERVERT JUST CAME ON TO NANCE!
TED:ALL RIGHT, JUST BE COOL.HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S NOT ALL THERE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY:GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, MAN!
MARY:WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
MARY:ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
EAR-MUFF GUY:MARY, YOU SEEN MY BASEBALL?
MARY:NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR BASEBALL.JEEZ, WARREN, YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LEAVE THE YARD BY YOURSELF.
BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY:YOU KNOW HIM?
MARY:HE'S MY BROTHER.
BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY:OH.I DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS.YOU KNOW.
MARY:YOU OKAY?
TED:OH YEAH.FINE.
MARY:THANKS A LOT, TED.
MAN'S VOICE:THAT SHE KNEW MY NAME BLEW MY MIND.SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS DIDN'T KNOW MY NAME.
MARY:HEY, YOU'RE LIMPING.DID YOU JUST HURT YOURSELF?
TED:NO, IT'S AN OLD FOOTBALL INJURY.
MARY:OH, ARE YOU ON THE TEAM?
TED:NO, A COUPLE OF THE PLAYERS AND ME WERE JOKING AROUND AND, UH, I FELL OFF THE SCHOOL.
WARREN:PIGGYBACK RIDE?
MARY:WARREN, COME ON, LEAVE TED ALONE.
WARREN:PIGGYBACK RIDE.
TED:I DON'T MIND.IF YOU THINK HE CAN HOLD ME.
MARY:OH HE CAN HOLD YOU.HE WEIGHS TWO-HUNDRED-AND-THIRTY POUNDS.
TED:A REAL CLYDESDALE, HUH WARREN?
TED:GIDDY-UP.
WARREN:MY TURN NOW.
TED:WE'RE HERE, WARREN.YOU WANNA GET OFF?
WARREN:GIDDY-UP.
MARY:SO WHO YOU TAKING TO THE PROM?
TED:HUH?
MARY:THE PROM-YOU GOING?
TED:OH, I DON'T KNOW.I THINK PROMS ARE PRETTY DUMB.
MARY:'CAUSE I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU AND I COULD GO IF YOU WEREN'T ALREADY TAKING SOMEONE.
TED:I MEAN DUMB IN THE SENSE THAT THEY ONLY HAPPEN ONCE A YEAR.
MAN'S VOICE:FROM THAT MOMENT ON THE GUYS AT SCHOOL LOOKED AT ME IN A WHOLE NEW LIGHT.
FRIEND #1 YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR!
FRIEND #2 YOU EXPECT US TO BELIEVE YOU'RE GOING TO THE PROM WITH MARY? WHAT ABOUT WOOGIE?
TED:THEY BROKE UP.SHE SAID HE STARTED GETTING WEIRD ON HER.
FRIEND #1 I GOT TWENTY BUCKS SAYS YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT.
TED:OH COME ON, WHY WOULD I LIE?
FRIEND #1 BECAUSE YOU'RE A LOSER, AND IN SOME WARPED WAY THIS GIVES YOU A MOMENTARY SENSE OF WORTH.
FRIEND #2 PUT ME DOWN FOR FIFTY.
FRIEND #3:I'M IN.
MARY'S DAD:YEAH? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
TED:UM, HI, I'M TED PELOQUIN.I'M HERE TO TAKE MARY TO THE PROM.
MARY'S DAD:PROM? YOU'RE ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATE.SHE JUST LEFT FOR THE PROM WITH HER BOYFRIEND WOOGIE.
MARY'S MOM:CHARLIE, THAT'S MEAN.COME ON IN, TED.DON'T LISTEN TO MR.WISE GUY HERE.HE'S A JOKE A MINUTE.
TED:OH.OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
TED:HEY, WARREN.
MARY:HI, TED.
TED:HI, MARY.
MARY'S MOM:POOR TEDDY-HE'S BEEN GETTING IT BOTH BARRELS FROM THE WISENHEIMER HERE.
MARY:DAD, HAVE YOU BEEN BUSTING TED'S CHOPS?
MARY:WARREN, DID YOU SAY HI TO TED?
WARREN:'BOUT TEN TIMES.
TED:HEY, WARREN, I THINK I KNOW WHERE YOUR BASEBALL IS.
WARREN:YOU SEEN MY BASEBALL?
TED:WELL, IF IT'S A BIG WHITE ONE WITH RED STITCHING, I THINK I SAW IT RIGHT BEHIND YOUR EAR.
MARY:WARREN!
MARY'S DAD:WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
MARY'S MOM:TEDDY, LET HIM GO!
TED:I'M TRYING.TELL HIM TO.CALM DOWN.
MARY'S DAD:JESUS CHRIST, GUY, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING?!
TED:I WAS PLAYING A TRICK.I-I-I HAD A BASEBALL.
MARY'S MOM:WHAT BASEBALL? WHERE'S A BASEBALL?
TED:THERE WAS A BALL I HAD A HONEST.
MARY:I'M SORRY.I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU, HE'S GOT A THING ABOUT HIS EARS.
TED:OH.OKAY.I GOTCHA.
MARY:ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
TED:OH YEAH.
MARY'S MOM:HONEY, NOW YOU'RE ALL WRINKLED.
MARY:TED, WILL YOU JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE MINUTE? I HAVE TO IRON THIS THING.
TED:MAY I USE YOUR BATHROOM?
TED:YEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!
MARY:TED, ARE YOU OKAY?
TED:JUST A MINUTE.
MARY'S MOM:HE'S BEEN IN THERE OVER HALF AN HOUR.CHARLIE, I THINK HE'S MASTURBATING.
MARY:MOM!
MARY'S MOM:WELL HE WAS WATCHING YOU UNDRESS WITH A SILLY GRIN ON HIS FACE.
TED:I WAS WATCHING THE BIRDS!
MARY'S MOM:CHARLIE, DO SOMETHING.
MARY'S DAD:ALL RIGHT, KID, THAT'S IT, I'M COMING IN.
MARY'S DAD:WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE SITUATION HERE? YOU SHIT YOURSELF OR SOMETHING?
TED:I WISH.
TED:I, UH.I GOT IT STUCK.
MARY'S DAD:YOU GOT WHAT STUCK?
TED:IT.
MARY'S DAD:IT? OH IT.ALL RIGHT, THESE THINGS HAPPEN, LET ME HAVE A LOOK.IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.
MARY'S DAD:OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
TED:SHHHHHH!
MARY'S DAD:SHIRLEY, GET IN HERE! YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!
TED:WHAT?! NO PLEASE, SIR-
MARY'S DAD:SHE'S A DENTAL HYGIENIST.SHE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.
MARY'S MOM:TEDDY, HON, ARE YOU OKAY? OH HEAVENS TO PETE!
TED:WOULD YOU SHHH! MARY'S GONNA HEAR US.
MARY'S MOM:JUST RELAX, DEAR.NOW, UM.WHAT EXACTLY ARE WE LOOKING AT HERE?
TED:WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
MARY'S MOM:I MEAN IS IT.IS IT.?
MARY'S DAD:IS IT THE FRANK OR THE BEANS?
TED:I THINK A LITTLE OF BOTH.
WARREN:FRANKS AND BEANS!
MARY:SHHHH.
MARY'S DAD:WHAT THE HELL'S THAT BUBBLE?
TED:ONE GUESS.
MARY'S DAD:HOW THE HELL'D YOU GET THE BEANS ALL THE WAY UP TOP LIKE THAT?
TED:I DON'T KNOW.IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS A WELL THOUGHT-OUT PLAN.
MARY'S MOM:OH MY, THERE SURE IS A LOT OF SKIN COMING THROUGH THERE.
MARY'S DAD:I'M GUESSING THAT'S WHAT THE SOPRANO SHRIEK WAS ABOUT, PUMPKIN.
MARY'S MOM:I'M GOING TO GET SOME BACTINE.
TED:NO, PLEASE!
POLICE OFFICER:HO THERE.
TED:OH GOD.
POLICE OFFICER:EVERYTHING OKAY HERE? NEIGHBORS SAID THEY HEARD A LADY SCREAM.
MARY'S DAD:YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM.C'MERE AND TAKE A LOOK AT THIS BEAUTY.
TED:NO, THAT'S REALLY UNNECES-
POLICE OFFICER:NOW I'VE SEEN IT ALL.WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?
TED:I WASN'T TRYING-
POLICE OFFICER:IS THAT BUBBLE WHAT I THINK IT IS?
POLICE OFFICER:BUT.HOW.HOW'D YOU GET THE ZIPPER ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP?
MARY'S DAD:LET'S JUST SAY THE KID'S LIMBER.
POLICE OFFICER:WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO.
TED:NO, NO, NO, I'LL BE FINE.I'LL JUST HANG MY SHIRTTAIL OUT AND WORK ON IT IN THE MORNING.
POLICE OFFICER:LOOK, SON, THIS'LL ONLY HURT FOR A SECOND.
TED:NO, NO, PLEASE!
MARY'S MOM:TEDDY, BE BRAVE.
WARREN:BEANS AND FRANKS!
MARY:WARREN, SHHH.
POLICE OFFICER:IT'S JUST LIKE PULLING OFF A BAND-AID.A-ONE AND A-TWO AND.
PARAMEDIC:WE GOT A BLEEDER!
PARAMEDIC:KEEP PRESSURE ON IT!
MARY:TED, I'M SO SORRY.ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY?
TED:YOU BETCHA!
TED:.ANYWAY, SCHOOL ENDED A FEW DAYS LATER AND THAT JULY HER FATHER GOT TRANSFERRED TO FLORIDA.
TED:IT TOOK ME HALF THE SUMMER TO PAY OFF ALL THOSE BETS.I NEVER DID SEE MARY AGAIN.THAT WAS ABOUT TWELVE YEARS AGO.
PSYCHIATRIST:UH-HUH.INTERESTING.
TED:ANYWAY, IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU EXACTLY FORGET ABOUT, BUT I GUESS I MUST'VE BLOCKED IT OUT OF MY HEAD.THEN ABOUT A WEEK AGO I'M DRIVING ON THE HIGHWAY AND I GOT TO THINKING ABOUT MARY AND SUDDENLY I COULDN'T BREATHE.I COULDN'T KEEP UP WITH THE FLOW OF TRAFFIC ANYMORE I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO DIE.I PULLED INTO A REST AREA, PARKED THE CAR, AND JUST STARTED SHAKING.
PSYCHIATRIST:YOU KNOW.REST AREAS ARE HOMOSEXUAL HANG-OUTS.
TED:HUH?
PSYCHIATRIST:HIGHWAY REST AREAS-THEY'RE THE BATHHOUSES OF THE NINETIES FOR SOME GAY MEN.
TED:WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
PSYCHIATRIST:OOPS, TIME'S UP.WE'LL HAVE TO DELVE INTO THAT NEXT WEEK.
DOM:GAY? HE SAID YOU WERE GAY?
TED:HE IMPLIED IT.
DOM:WELL YOU'RE A WRITER, AND A LOT OF WRITERS ARE GAY.LOOK AT TRUMAN CAPOTE.
TED:YEAH, BUT HE WAS SUCCESSFUL.
DOM:LET ME ASK YOU
THIS:WHEN YOU SMOKE A CIGAR, DO YOU EVER PRETEND IT HAS BALLS?
TED:COME ON, THAT WOULDN'T MAKE ME GAY.
DOM:I'M GOING TO FIX YOU UP WITH MY NEW ASSISTANT.
TED:WHAT'S HE LIKE?
DOM:YOU'RE LEAVING IT OUT.FINISH YOUR SWING.YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS ONE-SHE'S HALF ASIAN, HALF AMERICAN.
TED:GOOD-LOOKING?
DOM:I JUST TOLD YOU, SHE'S HALF ASIAN.HALF AMERICAN.THEY'RE ALL GOOD LOOKING.YOU COULD MATE DON RICKLES AND YOKO ONO AND THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE A GORGEOUS KID.IT'S A FOOLPROOF COMBO.
TED:WHAT'S THE POINT? LET'S FACE IT, DOM, I'M IN A SLUMP.LATELY I'VE BEEN FEELING LIKE.WELL.LIKE A LOSER.
DOM:LOSER? YOU?
DOM:GIVE ME A BREAK.REMEMBER FIVE YEARS AGO, WHEN YOUR KIDNEYS FAILED? IF YOU WERE A LOSER WOULD THEY HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIND A DONOR WITH AN EXACT TISSUE MATCH? WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT, ONE IN A MILLION?
TED:OH, SO I'M LUCKY BECAUSE MY BROTHER GOT KILLED IN AN EXPLOSION?
DOM:I NEVER SAID THAT.I'M SAYING YOUR LUCKY THOSE KIDS FOUND HIS KIDNEYS.BESIDES, YOUR BROTHER JIMMY NEVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU.
DOM:YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A REAL GLASS-IS-HALF-EMPTY GUY.YOU GOT A FUCKING GUARDIAN ANGEL, MAN.
TED:I GOTTA TAKE THIS, IT MIGHT BE MY BOSS.TED HERE.YOU'RE A COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF PUKE!
TED:YEP.
DOM'S WIFE:I THOUGHT YOU GUYS MIGHT LIKE THESE WITH YOUR BEERS.
DOM:THANKS, BABY.
TED:SEE, THAT'S WHAT I WANT.I DON'T NEED THESE BIMBETTES YOU GOT ME CHASING.I WANT WHAT YOU HAVE.A FAMILY.SOMEONE TO.YOU KNOW.LOVE.
TED:IT MUST BE GREAT WITH A WIFE LIKE THAT.
DOM:EACH DAY IS BETTER THAN THE NEXT.HAVE YOU EVER BEEN, YOU KNOW.IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE?
TED:NAH.
DOM:NEVER?
TED:WELL ONCE.MARY.
DOM:MARY AGAIN.
TED:LOOK, I ADMIT IT WAS BRIEF, BUT IT WAS DEFINITELY LOVE.CRUSHES DON'T LAST TWELVE YEARS.
DOM:WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MARY?
TED:I TOLD YOU, HER FAMILY MOVED TO MIAMI.
DOM:I MEAN SINCE THEN.
TED:I DON'T KNOW.
DOM:WELL WHY DON'T YOU LOOK HER UP?
TED:YEAH, RIGHT.
DOM:WHY NOT?
TED:BECAUSE I GUARANTEE SHE'S MARRIED AND HAS A COUPLE KIDS.GIRLS LIKE MARY DON'T STAY SINGLE.
DOM:WHAT IF YOU'RE WRONG? YOU JUST SAID SHE'S THE ONLY GIRL YOU EVER LOVED, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE BY CALLING HER?
TED:I DID TRY CALLING HER.A FEW YEARS AGO.SHE WASN'T LISTED.
DOM:SO THAT WAS IT? ONE BUMP IN THE ROAD AND YOU GAVE UP?
TED:I ALSO CALLED UNSOLVED MYSTERIES.
DOM:YOU'RE KIDDING? WHAT DID THEY SAY?
TED:THEY TOLD ME THEY DON'T HELP OUT STALKERS.LOOK, MAYBE THEY'RE RIGHT, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
DOM:I GOT IT-YOU HIRE A PRIVATE EYE, FLY HIM OUT THERE, HE FOLLOWS HER AROUND A COUPLE DAYS, SHE'LL NEVER KNOW A THING.
TED:NO.NO FUCKING WAY.THAT'S TOO CREEPY.
DOM:WAIT A SECOND.THERE'S A GUY NAMED HEALY IN MY OFFICE WHO MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP YOU OUT.HE'S A CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR AND HE GOES TO MIAMI EVERY COUPLE WEEKS.
TED:I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS, DOM.
DOM:RELAX, THIS GUY OWES ME A BIG ONE.A COUPLE YEARS AGO HE GOT IN A JAM UP IN THE BOSTON OFFICE; SOME BULLSHIT ABOUT PADDING HIS RESUME-LIKE WE HAVEN'T ALL DONE THAT.ANYWAY, THEY WERE GOING TO LET HIM GO BUT HIS MOTHER WROTE A TEAR-JERKER LETTER THAT ENDED UP ON MY DESK.
TED:HIS MOTHER?
DOM:YEAH, I GUESS HE STILL LIVES WITH HER.SEEMED LIKE A SWEET LADY-GOT DIABETES OR SOMETHING-SO I WENT OUT ON A LIMB AND GOT HIM TRANSFERRED DOWN TO PROVIDENCE.
TED:AND YOU THINK HE COULD FIND OUT HER NUMBER FOR ME?
DOM:HE'LL DO BETTER THAN THAT.I'LL SEND HIM DOWN TO MIAMI ON BUSINESS, YOU THROW HIM A COUPLE BUCKS ON THE SIDE, AND HE'LL TRACK HER DOWN.
DOM:JUST LET ME WARN YOU-THIS GUY RUNS A LITTLE HOT, BUT HE GETS THE JOB DONE.
HEALY:SO, DOM TELLS ME YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOME LADY-FRIEND YOU KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL.
TED:UH-HUH.
HEALY:ANY IDEA WHERE I MIGHT START LOOKING?
TED:SHE MOVED TO MIAMI BEACH TWELVE YEARS AGO.I CHECKED DIRECTORY ASSISTANCE DOWN THERE AND SHE'S NOT LISTED.SHE MIGHT'VE MOVED TEN TIMES SINCE THEN.
HEALY:ALL YOU WANT IS A PHONE NUMBER?
TED:WELL, I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY
HEALY:DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME, TED.
TED:I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU COULD POKE AROUND FOR A HALF DAY AND SEE IF SHE HAS FIVE KIDS AND A LABRADOR.
HEALY:I DON'T BUY IT.
TED:YOU DON'T BUY WHAT?
HEALY:TED, I'M THE KIND OF GUY WHO SHOOTS FROM THE HIP.NOW I WANT YOU TO LEVEL WITH ME.DID YOU KNOCK THIS SKIRT UP?
TED:NO.
HEALY:SHE'S BLACKMAILING YOU, RIGHT?
TED:NO.
HEALY:YOU WANT HER DEAD, DON'T YOU?
TED:YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
HEALY:DO YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THIS IS A STRAIGHT STALKER CASE?
TED:I'M NOT A STALKER ! SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.
HEALY:SURE SHE IS.THAT'S WHY SHE GOT AN UNLISTED NUMBER AND YOU HAVEN'T HEARD SQUAT FROM HER IN A DOZEN YEARS.OH YOU'RE GOOD, TED.YOU'RE A REAL PIECE OF WORK.
TED:LOOK, LET'S FORGET IT.LET'S FORGET THE WHOLE THING.
HEALY:I GET ONE HUNDRED A DAY PLUS EXPENSES.
TED:YOU GET FIFTY A DAY, PERIOD.IT'S A BUSINESS TRIP, THEY'LL PAY FOR YOUR EXPENSES.
HEALY:OKAY, TED, I'LL DO IT.BUT IF THIS CHICK TURNS UP WITH A TOE TAG, I'M ROLLING OVER ON YOU.
SULLY:HEALY YOU DOG!
HEALY:FUCKING SULLY! LOOK AT YOU!
SULLY:YOU HOT SHIT.YA LOOK FUCKIN' PISSER.
SULLY:HERE'S THE INFO YOU ASKED FOR.
HEALY:THANKS.
SULLY:YOU SHOULD THANK ME-THAT GIRL WAS NOT EASY TO FIND.WHAT'D SHE SCAM YOU OUT OF-SOME INSURANCE DOUGH?
HEALY:NAH, SOME GUY THREW ME A FEW BUCKS TO TRACK DOWN HIS HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND.
SULLY:STALKER, HUH?
HEALY:BIG TIME.
HEALY:VERY NICE.
SULLY:I'M DOING OKAY.I GOTTA GET READY FOR WORK.
HEALY:OKAY? WITH THIS PAD, THE KILLER WHEELS? LOOKS LIKE YOU REALLY CLEANED UP YOUR ACT.
SULLY:WHAT CAN I TELL YOU? IT'S A HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE DOWN HERE, AND IT'S EASIER TO SUCCEED WHEN YOUR HEAD'S CLEAR.THOSE GUYS I WORKED WITH BACK IN BOSTON, THEY WERE A BAD INFLUENCE.
HEALY:FUCKIN' ANIMALS.HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO GRAB A COUPLE DRINKS.
SULLY:NOT FOR ME, BUDDY.I DON'T DRINK ANYMORE.
HEALY:YEAH, AND YOU DON'T DRINK ANY LESS, RIGHT?
HEALY:WHAT THE.?!
SULLY:TAKE IT EASY, THAT'S BILL.
HEALY:TELL BILL TO GET THE FUCK OFF!
SULLY:RELAX, HE JUST ATE.
SULLY:NINETEEN MONTHS I BEEN SOBER.
HEALY:WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU WERE NEVER AN ALKY, YOU WERE A COKEHEAD.
SULLY:YEAH, WELL WHEN YOU QUIT BLOW, YOU GOTTA QUIT THE BOOZE, TOO.
HEALY:IS THAT RIGHT? WELL GOOD FOR YOU, SULL, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
HEALY:HERE, JUST HAVE ONE OF THESE THEN.
SULLY:HEALY, WHAT I JUST TELL YOU?
HEALY:THIS IS A LIGHT BEER.YOU CAN'T HAVE A LIGHT BEER?
SULLY:NO I CAN'T.
HEALY:SULLY, IT'S ONE FUCKIN' BEER FOR CHRIST SAKES.OOH, THE BIG BAD BEER'S GONNA GET YA.
HEALY:I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU, MAN.YOU BETTER LEARN TO HAVE A POP ONCE IN A WHILE OR YOU'RE GONNA FALL OFF THE WAGON.YOU'RE BEING A FANATIC AND THAT AIN'T HEALTHY.
SULLY:AM I?
HEALY:BET YOUR ASS YOU ARE.NOW I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE OF YOUR HAPPY HORSESHIT.YOU GOTTA LEARN HOW TO BEND A LITTLE OR BELIEVE ME.YOU'RE GONNA BREAK.
SULLY:JESUS, YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS SHIT DOESN'T EVEN TASTE GOOD TO ME ANYMORE.
HEALY:AH, FUCK YA THEN, YOU BIG PUSSY.WHAT ARE YOU, SPOTTING?
HEALY:OKAY, TED, I FOUND YOUR MARY.HER CURRENT ADDRESS, TWO-NINER-EIGHT EUCLID AVENUE, MIAMI BEACH.HUSBAND, NEGATIVE.CHILDREN AND LABRADOR, NEGATIVE.EXTREMELY NICE ASS, AFFIRMATIVE.
MARY:HAVE YOU BEEN UP ALL NIGHT AGAIN?
MAGDA:BET YOUR ASS I HAVE.IT'S AN IMPORTANT JOB, NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH IS.
MARY:NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH? IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL LISTENING IN ON STRANGER'S PHONE CONVERSATIONS?
MAGDA:THESE AIN'T STRANGERS, THEY'RE NEIGHBORS.THIS ONLY PICKS UP SIGNALS IN A HALF-MILE RADIUS.
MARY:MEANING?
MAGDA:MEANING THESE ARE THE PEOPLE YOU LIVE AMONGST, YOU GOT A RIGHT TO KNOW IF THEY'RE CREEPS.FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A GUY DOWN THE HALL CHEATING ON HIS WIFE?
MARY:YOU PICKED THAT UP ON THE SCANNER.WE GOTTA MOVE.
MAGDA:I CONFIRMED IT ON THE SCANNER.I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP BECAUSE PUFFY USED TO BARK LIKE HELL WHENEVER HE SAW HIM AND YOU KNOW PUFFY ONLY BARKS AT BAD PEOPLE.
MARY:MAGDA, PUFFY BARKS AT EVERYBODY.
MAGDA:THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S A LOT OF BAD PEOPLE OUT THERE.HEY, PUFFY TRIED TO WARN YOU ABOUT THAT STEVE GUY YOU WAS SEEING-HE WAS A FUCKING ASSWIPE-BUT YOU HAD TO FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF, DIDN'T YOU?
MARY:OKAY, YOU WIN.NOW TRY TO GET SOME SLEEP, HUH.
HEALY:LOOKS LIKE WE GOT AN ATHLETE ON OUR HANDS.
HEALY:WELL, FROM HER FIGURE AND HER APPETITE, I'M GUESSING SHE'S EITHER GOT A BOWEL DISORDER OR WE'VE GOT A HURLER ON OUR HANDS.
MARY:GET IN LINE.ONE AT A TIME.
GARY:CAN I HAVE TWO, MARY?
MARY:YEAH, YOU CAN HAVE TWO HALVES, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
GARY:THANKS.
FREDDIE:WILL YOU MARRY ME, MARY?
MARY:OH YEAH, PRETTY BOY? AND WHAT ABOUT DOLORES?
FREDDIE:WOULD YOU MARRY US BOTH, MARY?
MARY:YEAH, THAT'D BE A GOOD DEAL FOR YOU, WOULDN'T IT?
MARY:WOW, THIS IS WEIRD.THERE WAS SOMEBODY WHO LOOKED JUST LIKE YOU HERE A MINUTE AGO.
HEALY:IXNAY ON THE BIG APPETITE.SHE'S JUST GOT A BIG HEART.
LISA:LISTEN TO THIS ONE-'SEEKING SENSITIVE WASP DOCTOR TO SHARE CANDLELIT DINNERS, LONG WALKS IN COCONUT GROVE, MARRIAGE.'
BRENDA:WHAT DOES THIS GIRL WANT, A CORPSE? YOU GOTTA BE MORE SPECIFIC.'SEEKING DEAF MUTE WITH THREE POUND COCK AND TRUST FUND.'
JOANIE:NO, IT SHOULD BE 'A HOCKEY PLAYER WITH GREAT PECS.'
MARY:UGH, NOT PECS.SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THOSE GUYS WITH A FISH-NET SHIRT AND A BANANA HAMMOCK.
BRENDA:I SUPPOSE YOU WOULDN'T LIKE SOMEONE WITH A WASHBOARD STOMACH LIKE BRAD PITT?
MARY:I'M JUST SAYING I DON'T MIND A GUY WITH A BIT OF A BEER BELLY.IT MEANS HE'S A GUY.YOU CAN HAVE THOSE PRETTY BOYS WHO HANG OUT IN A GYM ALL DAY STARING AT THEIR REFLECTIONS.
HEALY:A GIRL AFTER YOUR OWN HEART, TED.
JOANIE:I CAN LIVE WITH THOSE REFLECTIONS.
MARY:I'M SICK OF THESE CALORIE-COUNTIN' PANSIES.GIVE ME A GUY WHO LIKES KIELBASA AND BEER AND PLAYING THIRTY-SIX HOLES AND STILL HAS ENOUGH ENERGY TO TAKE ME AND WARREN OUT TO A BALLGAME.
JOANIE:JEEZ, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE EVER GOING TO FIND A GUY LIKE THAT.
MARY:BUT HERE'S THE RUB.THE GUY I'M TALKING ABOUT HAS GOT TO BE SELF-EMPLOYED.
LISA:YOU MEAN, LIKE AN ARCHITECT OR SOMETHING?
MARY:ARCHITECT, YEAH.
MARY:NO, IT'S NOT THE MONEY.CREATIVE, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD, BUT IT'S THE FREEDOM I'M TALKING ABOUT.SEE, THIS GUY HAS TO HAVE A JOB HE COULD DO ANYWHERE.THAT WAY WE COULD JUST UP AND LEAVE AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
LISA:AND WHERE WOULD YOU AND YOUR BEER-BELLIED ARCHITECT BE LEAVING TO?
MARY:I DON'T KNOW.THE SUPER BOWL, NEW ORLEANS JAZZ FESTIVAL.MAYBE A COUPLE MONTHS IN NEPAL.
JOANIE:YEAH, AND YOU'D PROBABLY DUMP THE POOR GUY HALFWAY TO KATMANDU.
MARY:WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
JOANIE:IT MEANS YOU'RE TOO HARD ON GUYS.
MARY:NO I'M NOT.
JOANIE:OH COME OFF IT, MARE.WHAT ABOUT WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.STEVERINO? YOU COULD'VE AT LEAST PASSED THE BATON ON THAT ONE.
MARY:YEAH, STEVE.STEVE WAS ALL RIGHT FOR AWHILE.
JOANIE:ALL RIGHT FOR AWHILE? THE GUY'S GOOD-LOOKING, RICH, WITTY.HE WAS A GOD.
LISA:AT ONE POINT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT MARRYING HIM.COME ON, WHY'D YOU DUMP HIM?
MARY:I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS COMPLICATED.HE'S IN SAN FRANCISCO, I'M IN MIAMI.BESIDES, MAGDA'S PSYCHIC DOG HATED HIM.
JOANIE:IS THAT OLD CRAB STILL WITH YOU? MARY, YOU SAID YOU WERE PUTTING HER UP FOR A MONTH-IT'S BEEN A YEAR AND A HALF.
MARY:AH, SHE'S OKAY.
LISA:MARY, THE CRAP, WHAT REALLY HAPPENED WITH STEVE?
MARY:NOTHING.I MEAN, YOU KNOW MY BROTHER.WARREN.
JOANIE:WHAT? STEVE SEEMED TO PUT UP WITH WARREN.
MARY:I DON'T WANT SOMEONE WHO'LL PUT UP WITH HIM.I WANT SOMEONE WHO WILL ENJOY HIM, THE WAY I DO.DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE TOLD MY FRIEND TUCKER? HE SAID HE WOULD'VE POPPED THE QUESTION A LOT EARLIER IF WARREN WASN'T IN MY LIFE.WELL HE IS IN MY LIFE AND I'M GODDAMN LUCKY TO HAVE HIM.THE HELL WITH STEVE.
BRENDA:WELL, THAT'S THE LAST TIME I BLOW HIM BEHIND YOUR BACK.
HEALY:HELLO.? SULLY.? SULLY, THAT YOU?
SULLY:WHO THE FUCK IS IT TO YOU?
HEALY:SULLY, IT'S HEALY.WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?
SULLY:FUCKIN' PATRICK HEALY, YOU THINK YOUR SHIT DON'T STINK.WELL I GOT NEWS FOR YOU-YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT DON'T! HOW THE HELL ARE YA?!
HEALY:UH, I'M FINE.JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I'LL HAVE YOUR CAR BACK IN A COUPLE HOURS, I'M STILL STAKING OUT THIS GIRL'S APARTMENT.
SULLY:YOU FOUND MY CAR?!
HOMELESS MAN:THANKS, MARY.
MARY:YOU WATCH OUT FOR YOURSELF, HERB.
MAGDA:JESUS, MARY, YOU GOTTA HEAR THIS-SOME COP'S STAKING OUT THIS BROAD'S APARTMENT.
MARY:NO TIME, MAGDA, MY SHOW'S STARTING.
MAGDA:THIS IS A GOOD ONE, MARE.SOUNDS LIKE HIS PARTNER'S ALL LUBED UP.
HEALY:CALL YOU BACK.
SULLY:GOD, I MISS YA, YA FUCK-
MAGDA:AH, CHRIST, I LOST 'EM.
HEALY:FUCKING BARNEY.HE NEVER LEARNS.
HEALY:HERE WE GO, TEDDO.HERE COMES THE MONEY SHOT.
HEALY:OOOOF.FIRST CHINK IN THE ARMOR, TEDDY BOY.
HEALY:OH SWEET JESUS
HEALY:I'VE GOT SOME VERY, VERY GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, MY FRIEND.
TED:REALLY? VERY, VERY?
HEALY:I THINK YOUR LIFE'S ABOUT TO CHANGE.
TED:SO YOU FOUND MARY?
HEALY:RIGHT THERE IN LIBERTY CITY.AND YOU WERE RIGHT, SHE'S REALLY SOMETHING.
TED:SO SHE HASN'T CHANGED?
HEALY:THAT I COULDN'T.SAY.LET ME ASK YOU
SOMETHING:WAS SHE A LITTLE BIG-BONED IN HIGH SCHOOL?
TED:NO, NOT AT ALL.
HEALY:WELL SHE MUST'VE PACKED ON A FEW POUNDS OVER THE YEARS.
TED:MARY'S A LITTLE CHUBBY, HUH?
HEALY:I'D SAY ABOUT A DEUCE, DEUCE AND A HALF.NOT BAD.
HEALY:BUT YOU KNOW, YOU SHIT OUT A BUNCH OF KIDS, YOU'RE GOING TO PUT ON A FEW POUNDS.
TED:SO SHE'S MARRIED?
HEALY:NOPE.NEVER BEEN.
TED:HUH?
HEALY:FOUR KIDS, THREE DIFFERENT GUYS.
TED:THREE DIFFERENT GUYS?
HEALY:WELL I'M GUESSING.THERE'S A BLACK KID, TWO WHITES, AND A MIDGET.
TED:OH MY.
HEALY:HYPERACTIVE LITTLE FUCKERS, TOO.TOUGH TO KEEP UP WITH IN A WHEELCHAIR, I BET.
TED:SHE'S IN A WHEELCHAIR?!
HEALY:DON'T LOOK SO SHOCKED, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.I BET YOU'VE CHANGED A LOT OVER THE LAST TWELVE YEARS, HAVEN'T YOU?
TED:IT'S JUST THAT.MARY.I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT.
HEALY:ANYWAY, THE GOOD NEWS IS I HAVE ALL THE INFORMATION YOU NEED.GOT IT FROM HER BOOKIE-NICE GUY.YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY CALL HER, TED.I MEAN SHE'S A REAL SPARKPLUG, THAT ONE.SHE SEEMS DETERMINED TO GET THOSE RUGRATS OFF WELFARE AND WITH YOUR HELP I'LL BET SHE DOES IT.
TED:THANKS, HEALY.GOOD WORK.
HEALY:TED? DON'T YOU WANT THE NAME OF THE HOUSING PROJECT?
TED:UH, THAT'S OKAY.
HEALY:YOU SURE, BIG GUY? I'LL BET SHE'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU BEFORE HER MASTECTOMY!
TED:WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEALY:OH, UH, I RESIGNED.
TED:MIAMI?
HEALY:YEAH, THIS INSURANCE BUSINESS IS TOO SLOW FOR ME.I'M GOING TO GO DOWN AND TRY MY HAND AT JAI ALAI.
TED:JAI ALAI?
HEALY:YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I ALWAYS FELT AT HOME IN THE FRONTON.
TED:LOOK, UH, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME.
HEALY:GOOD GOOD.
TED:WELL I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, I SHOULD LOOK HER UP.
HEALY:ROLLERPIG? ARE YOU NUTS?
TED:BUT YOU SAID SHE WAS A SPARKPLUG.?
HEALY:I SAID BUTTPLUG.SHE'S HEINOUS.
TED:ALL THE SAME, I STILL WANT TO CALL HER.I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY-MARY SURE HAS A LOT OF TROUBLES IN HER LIFE-BUT, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I CAN HELP HER OUT.THE POOR THING'S HAD IT TOUGH-SHE'S IN A WHEELCHAIR FOR GODSAKES.
HEALY:IT'S A GODDAMN BUNION.IT'LL HEAL.
TED:OH.I THOUGHT THAT'S NOT IT ANYWAY.I KNOW THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU, BUT I JUST CAN'T TURN IT OFF THAT FAST.I STILL FEEL SOMETHING FOR HER.
HEALY:OKAY, TELL YOU
WHAT:I'LL GET HER NUMBER FOR YOU JUST AS SOON AS SHE GETS BACK FROM JAPAN.
TED:JAPAN? WHAT'S SHE DOING IN JAPAN?
HEALY:YOU'VE HEARD OF MAIL-ORDER BRIDES? WELL THEY GO THAT WAY, TOO.
TED:MARY'S A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE?
HEALY:FETCHED A PRETTY PENNY, TOO.DON'T FORGET, IT'S THE SUMO CULTURE, THEY PAY BY THE POUND THERE.SORT OF LIKE TUNA.
TED:THAT'S IT, I'M MAKING AN OATH.I'LL NEVER PROCRASTINATE ABOUT ANYTHING AGAIN.LIFE IS TOO FUCKING SHORT.
DOM:HEY, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE-
TED:WHAT'S THAT, DOM? WHAT'S THE BRIGHT SIDE?
DOM:WELL.AT LEAST NOW YOU KNOW.
TED:I THINK IT WAS BETTER WHEN I DIDN'T.IT WAS KIND OF INSPIRING TO KNOW THERE WAS SOMEONE SO PURE IN THE WORLD.
TED:WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
DOM:I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE TAKING THIS ALL WRONG, PAL.DON'T YOU SEE? YOU'RE LIBERATED.I FEEL LIBERATED.I MEAN HERE YOU'VE BEEN IN THERAPY THINKING YOU BLEW IT WITH THE GREATEST GIRL EVER, AND IT TURNS OUT THAT GETTING YOUR DICK STUCK IN YOUR ZIPPER WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!
TED:WAIT A SECOND, I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT.
DOM:CHRIST, TED, I WAS ONLY FOUR TOWNS AWAY.
TED:MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.I SHOULD LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.I MEAN, I'VE STILL GOT MY HEALTH.I'M OUT OF HERE.I'VE GOT TO GET UP AT SIX A.M.TO MOVE MY BOSS'S BROTHER INTO HIS APARTMENT.
DOM:WHAT? ON YOUR DAY OFF? DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE GUY?
TED:NEVER MET HIM.
DOM:JESUS, TED, YOU'VE GOT TO FINISH THAT DAMN NOVEL SO YOU CAN QUIT THAT STUPID MAGAZINE.
TED:AMEN TO THAT.
HEALY:HIT A HOUSE! BITE BITE! HAVEN'T SWUNG THE WRENCHES IN A WHILE.
HEALY:HEY, CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME TIPS HERE?
MARY:YEAH, DON'T TALK IN SOMEONE'S BACKSWING.
HEALY:THANKS.
HEALY:I'M GONNA GET A SODA, YOU WANT ONE?
MARY:NO THANKS.
HEALY:OH CRIPES.DO YOU HAVE CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR? ALL I HAVE IS THESE STUPID NEPALESE COINS.
MARY:NEPAL? HAVE YOU BEEN?
HEALY:NOT IN MONTHS.I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I BOUGHT THE DAMN PLACE.
MARY:YOU OWN A HOME THERE?
HEALY:WELL.IT'S JUST A CONDO REALLY.RIGHT OUTSIDE KATMANDU.
MARY:WOW.THAT'S A PLACE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO.IS IT TRUE THE MOUNTAINS ARE SO TALL YOU CAN'T SEE THE TOPS?
HEALY:NOT 'TIL YOU GET ABOUT THREE HUNDRED YARDS FROM THE SUMMIT.THAT'S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE ANYWAY.
HEALY:YOU KNOW, I SHOULD JUST GET GOING.I'LL WORK ON MY GAME NEXT WEEK.
HEALY:HERE.SPEND IT ON YOUR TRIP TO KATMANDU.
MARY:THANKS.
MARY:IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU!
MARY:WELL, IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU, AGAIN.
HEALY:SAME HERE AGAIN.
MARY:BY THE WAY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
HEALY:PAT HEALY.
MARY:DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW MY NAME?
HEALY:I ALREADY KNOW IT, MARY.
MARY:HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?
HEALY:IT'S RIGHT THERE ON YOUR GOLF BAG.
MARY:WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ALL THESE BLUEPRINTS?
HEALY:SOME BUILDINGS I'M WORKING ON.
MARY:ARE YOU.AN ARCHITECT?
HEALY:WELL, JUST UNTIL I GET MY PGA TOUR CARD.
HEALY:I'M KIDDING.YEAH, I GUESS YOU COULD CALL ME AN ARCHITECT-IT'S JUST A JOB REALLY, A WAY TO KEEP ME MOVING.MY REAL PASSION IS MY HOBBY.
MARY:WHAT'S THAT?
HEALY:I WORK WITH RETARDS.
MARY:I BEG YOUR PARDON?
HEALY:YOU KNOW.THE GUYS WHO RIDE THE SHORT BUS.
MARY:ISN'T THAT A LITTLE POLITICALLY INCORRECT?
HEALY:THE HELL WITH THAT.NO ONE'S GONNA TELL ME WHO I CAN AND CAN'T WORK WITH.
MARY:NO, I MEAN
HEALY:-THERE'S THIS ONE KID, WE CALL HIM MONGO ON ACCOUNT OF HE'S A MONGOLOID.HE GOT OUT OF HIS CAGE ONCE AND-
MARY:-HE'S IN A CAGE?!
HEALY:WELL IT'S MORE OF AN ENCLOSURE REALLY.
MARY:THEY KEEP HIM CONFINED? THAT'S BULLSHIT!
HEALY:THAT'S WHAT I SAID, SO I WENT OUT AND GOT HIM A LEASH YOU KNOW, ONE OF THOSE CLOTHESLINE RUNNERS FOR THE BACKYARD.HE'S GOT PLENTY OF ROOM OUT THERE TO DIG.THE KID'S REALLY BLOSSOMED.NOW I CAN TAKE HIM TO BALL GAMES, MOVIES-YOU KNOW, HAPPY STUFF.
MARY:THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
HEALY:YEAH, IT'S FUN FOR THEM, BUT IT'S HEAVEN FOR ME.THOSE GOOFY BASTARDS ARE JUST ABOUT THE BEST THING I HAVE IN THIS CRAZY OLD WORLD.OOH, HEY, I GOTTA RUN.
MARY:LOOK, UH, I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE SHOULD GO HAVE DINNER SOMETIME.
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER:HEY, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS, BE CAREFUL NOT TO SCRATCH THAT THING, HUH?
TED:WHAT?
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER:YOU HEARD ME.YOU ALREADY PUT A FUCKING NICK IN MY PIANO.
TED:I'LL TRY TO BE MORE CAREFUL.
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER:S'MATTER WITH YOU? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE FADING.
TED:THE THING'S KIND OF HEAVY.
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER:HEAVY? HEAVY?! WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO KNOW WHAT HEAVY FEELS LIKE, YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK.
TED:NO, I JUST MEANT.
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER:YEAH YEAH.I'M GOING TO THE CORNER TO GET A CUP OF COFFEE.
ASSERTIVE WOMAN'S VOICE:HEY YOU!
T.V.NEWS REPORTER:DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE PARKED IN A HANDICAPPED SPOT?
DR.LALONDE:SO.I SEE YOU MADE THE NEWS.
TED:IT WASN'T MY TRUCK-I WAS HELPING OUT A GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR.
DR.LALONDE:UH-HUH.WHERE WAS HE?
TED:OUT GETTING COFFEE.
DR.LALONDE:YEAH, THAT'S MORE OR LESS WHAT THE OTHERS SAID, TOO.OUT GETTING COFFEE.SUPPOSED TO MEET HIM HERE.PICKING UP MY GRANDMA.
DR.LALONDE:I'M JUST SAYING.THEY SURE MADE YOU LOOK DUMB.
TED:BOB, DO YOU REMEMBER MARY?
DR.LALONDE:WHO?
TED:MARY.
DR.LALONDE:FROM HIGH SCHOOL MARY? YEAH, I SAW HER ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO AT A CONVENTION IN LAS VEGAS.
TED:A CONVENTION? HOW'D YOU SEE HER AT A CONVENTION?
DR.LALONDE:I'M AN ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON, SHE'S AN ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON.
DR.LALONDE:WHAT A BABE.
TED:BABE?
TED:MARY'S A BABE!
DOM:WHAT?
TED:MY MARY-SHE'S NOT IN JAPAN, SHE'S SINGLE, AND SHE'S GOT NO RUGRATS.SHE DOES HAVE A LITTLE GAMBLING PROBLEM, SHE PLAYS THE FOOTBALL CARDS A BIT TOO MUCH, BUT SHE'S A BABE, A SURGEON BABE!
DOM:HUH? BUT WHY DID HEALY?
TED:WELL THINK ABOUT IT.
DOM:NO YOU MEAN.?
TED:UH-HUH.
DOM:THE LAZY FUCK JUST DIDN'T BOTHER TO LOOK HER UP.
TED:THAT SNEAKY PRICK WAS PROBABLY PRACTICING HIS JAI ALAI.
DOM:WELL THEN YOU'VE GOT TO CALL HER, MAN.
TED:FUCK CALLING HER.I'M GOING DOWN THERE.
MAGDA:SO WHO'S THE LUCKY GUY?
MARY:NAME'S PATRICK, I MET HIM AT THE DRIVING RANGE.
MAGDA:GOOD LOOKIN'?
MARY:HE'S NO STEVE YOUNG.
MAGDA:WHAT'S HE LIKE?
MARY:I DON'T KNOW.HE'S KIND OF A MOOK.
MAGDA:WHAT'S A MOOK?
MARY:YOU KNOW, A MOOKALONE, A SCHLEP.
MAGDA:THEN WHY YOU GOING OUT WITH HIM IF HE'S A SCHLEP?
MARY:COME ON, MAGDA IT'S LIKE THAT MOVIE HAROLD AND MAUDE.
MAGDA:I DON'T WATCH THE NEW ONES.
MARY:THIS ONE'S ALMOST THIRTY YEARS OLD.IT'S ABOUT A YOUNG KID AND AN OLD LADY WHO FALL IN LOVE.
MAGDA:THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I DON'T WATCH 'EM ANYMORE-IT'S BULLSHIT! WHY THE HELL WOULD AN OLD LADY GO FOR A YOUNG KID?
MARY:THE POINT IS, LOVE ISN'T ABOUT MONEY OR SOCIAL STANDING OR AGE, IT'S ABOUT CONNECTING WITH SOMEONE, HAVING THINGS IN COMMON KINDRED SPIRITS.
MAGDA:FUCK KINDRED SPIRITS.MY LITTLE PUFFY HERE'S GONNA TELL YOU ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY IN ABOUT TWO SECONDS FLAT.IF HE STARTS YAPPING, HE'S A LOSER; IF PUFFY'S RELAXED.WELL, YOU GOT YOURSELF A KEEPER.
HEALY:OH, PUFFERBALL LIKES HIS LITTLE TUM-TUM RUBBED, DOESN'T HE NOW?
MARY:WOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM LIKE THIS.HE DOESN'T USUALLY LIKE GUYS.
MAGDA:YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T LIKE BAD GUYS.
HEALY:'THAT RIGHT?
MAGDA:HE CAN TELL YOU'RE AN ANIMAL NUT.YOU ARE, AREN'T YA?
HEALY:TRUTH IS I USUALLY GET ALONG BETTER WITH ANIMALS THAN WITH PEOPLE.IN NEPAL THE VILLAGERS CALL ME 'KIN-TAN-TEE', WHICH MEANS 'MAN WHO IS LOVED BY MANY ANIMALS.WHO LOVE HIM A LOT, TOO.AND SO ON.'
MAGDA:WOULD YOU LIKE A GLASS OF TEA OR SOMETHING?
HEALY:YOU GOT A BREW?
MARY:SURE.UH, MAGDA, WHY DON'T YOU GET SOME MORE CHEESE AND CRACKERS.?
MAGDA:OH, YEAH, OF COURSE, DEAR.
MARY:SORRY, PAT, OUT OF BEER.YOU LIKE VODKA?
HEALY:GREAT.
MAGDA:WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE CLAM-DIP, HONEY?
HEALY:NO, THANKS.LOVE A LITTLE BUNDT CAKE IF YOU HAVE SOME!
MAGDA:BUNDT CAKE?
MARY:MUST HAVE A SWEET TOOTH.SEE IF YOU CAN FIND SOME COOKIES.
HEALY:COME ON, MAN, STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!
MAGDA:ALL I HAD WAS SOME FUNNY BONES-HOW DOES THAT SOUND, HONEY?
HEALY:FINE.FINE.
MARY:HERE YOU GO.WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
HEALY:THE MUSEUM? I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING OUT TO DINNER?
MARY:WE WILL, BUT FIRST I HAVE A SURPRISE.
HEALY:A SURPRISE?
MARY:THE ARCHITECTURE EXHIBIT! MY FRIEND TUCKER IS GOING TO BE HERE.HE'S AN ARCHITECT, TOO.YOU GUYS WILL HAVE TONS TO TALK ABOUT.
MARY:I KNOW HE'S AROUND HERE SOMEPLACE.
HEALY:WHAT SAY WE GET OUTTA HERE AND GO CRUSH A BUCKET?
MARY:WE JUST GOT HERE THIRTY SECONDS AGO.ISN'T THIS STUFF GREAT?
MARY:IS THIS ONE ART DECO OR ART NOUVEAU?
HEALY:DECO.
MARY:WOULD YOU CALL THAT A PORTICO OR A VESTIBULE?
HEALY:THAT.? VESTIBULE.
MARY:HOW ABOUT?
HEALY:WHEN YOU LOOK AT ARCHITECTURE, TRY NOT TO CONCERN YOURSELF WITH THE PIECES-LOOK AT THE BUILDING IN ITS TOTALITARIANISM.
HEALY:STONE CRAB TIME! COME ON, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE, GOOFY.
MARY:TUCKER!
TUCKER:COME ON, LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
MARY:TUCKER, THIS IS MY FRIEND PAT HEALY.HEALY AND TUCKER SHAKE HANDS.
TUCKER:PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, PATRICK.
HEALY:SAME HERE.
MARY:PAT'S AN ARCHITECT, TOO.
TUCKER:HEY, NO KIDDING? WHERE ARE YOUR OFFICES?
HEALY:MAINLY I WORK OUT OF BOSTON.
TUCKER:BOSTON, HUH? DID YOU GET YOUR DEGREE UP THERE?
HEALY:YES YES, I DID GET MY DEGREE UP THERE.
TUCKER:HARVARD?
HEALY:YOU BET.
TUCKER:DID YOU STUDY UNDER KIM GREENE?
HEALY:AMONG OTHERS.
TUCKER:KIM AND I ARE CLOSE FRIENDS!
HEALY:WELL, I'LL TELL HER I RAN INTO YOU.
TUCKER:YOU MEAN HIM.
HEALY:WELL.THAT'S DEBATABLE.
TUCKER:REALLY? BUT HE'S BEEN MARRIED FOR TWENTY YEARS-THEY'VE GOT SIX KIDS.
HEALY:NICE SMOKESCREEN, ISN'T IT?
MARY:PAT DOES PROJECTS ALL OVER THE WORLD.
TUCKER:WHERE WOULD I HAVE SEEN YOUR WORK?
HEALY:HAVE YOU BEEN TO LET'S SEE-SANTIAGO, CHILE?
TUCKER:ABSOLUTELY! I WAS THERE TWICE LAST YEAR.WHICH BUILDING IS YOURS?
HEALY:DO YOU KNOW THE.SOCCER STADIUM?
TUCKER:DID YOU BUILD THE ESTADIO OLYMPICO?
HEALY:NO.JUST DOWN THE STREET, THE AMIGO TOWER.
TUCKER:I'M SORRY, I'M NOT FAMILIAR WITH IT.WHAT STYLE?
HEALY:UH, SORT OF NOUVEAU DECO.WITH A BIG VESTIBULE.CHECK IT OUT NEXT TIME YOU'RE UP THERE.
TUCKER:YOU KNOW, I REALLY SHOULD TAKE YOUR CARD.
HEALY:OH LOOK, IT'S DOOB! WILL YOU EXCUSE ME A MINUTE, TUCKER?
HEALY:DOOBY, YOU OLD SHEEP-FUCKER! HOW THE HELL ARE YA?
MAN:MY NAME'S MEL.
HEALY:OH, SORRY.ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU LOOK JUST LIKE JIM DUBOIS?
MAN:THE SHEEPFUCKER?
HITCHHIKER:THANKS FOR PICKING ME UP.
TED:NO PROB, I COULD USE THE COMPANY.I'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD GOING ON FIFTEEN HOURS STRAIGHT.
HITCHHIKER:I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL-I BEEN STANDING IN THE SAME SPOT FOR THE LAST FIVE HOURS.YOU KNOW IT'S AGAINST THE LAW TO PICK UP A HITCHHIKER IN THIS STATE.
TED:THAT MUST MAKE IT TOUGH.
HITCHHIKER:SUCKS.SO WHAT'S UP? YOU SOME KIND OF SALESMAN OR SOMETHING?
TED:NAH.I'M.I'M NOTHING.
HITCHHIKER:OH.WELL I AM.
TED:HM?
HITCHHIKER:A SALESMAN-THAT'S WHAT I AM.I MEAN, I'M GONNA BE ANYWAY.I'M STARTING MY OWN COMPANY-VIDEO SALES-JUST AS SOON AS I GET ENOUGH SEED MONEY.
TED:'THAT RIGHT? GOOD FOR YOU.
HITCHHIKER:YEAH, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE MY IDEA-IT'S A HOME RUN.YOU EVER HEAR OF EIGHT-MINUTE ABS?
TED:THE EXERCISE TAPE? SURE, I'VE SEEN IT ON T.V.
HITCHHIKER:TWO MILLION COPIES IT SOLD LAST YEAR.TWO MILLION, MAN.BUT NOT NEXT YEAR-MY IDEA'S GONNA BLOW THEM OUTTA THE WATER.GET THIS:SEVEN-MINUTE ABS.
TED:I SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
HITCHHIKER:THINK ABOUT IT.YOU WALK INTO A VIDEO STORE AND YOU SEE EIGHT-MINUTE ABS AND RIGHT NEXT TO IT YOU SEE SEVEN-MINUTE ABS-WHICH ONE YOU GONNA SPRING FOR?
TED:I'D GO WITH THE SEVEN.
HITCHHIKER:BINGO.ESPECIALLY SINCE WE GUARANTEE YOU'LL GET EVERY BIT AS GOOD A WORK-OUT.
TED:HOW DO YOU GUARANTEE THAT?
HITCHHIKER:WELL IT'S THE COMPANY MOT 'IF YOU AIN'T HAPPY WE'LL SEND YOU THE EXTRA MINUTE.'
TED:HUH.THAT SOUNDS GREAT.UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE COMES OUT WITH SIX-MINUTE ABS.
TED:I'M GONNA PULL OVER.I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK.
TED:WHAT THE?
POLICE OFFICER:THIS IS A RAID!
TED:WAIT A SECOND, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
PANTS AT ANKLES GUY:THAT'S RIGHT! I-I-I WAS JUST PISSING!
TED:NO! I WAS PISSING!
POLICE OFFICER:YEAH, I'LL BET YOU ALL WERE.COME ON, IN THE TRUCK.
TED:OKAY, TAKE IT EASY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUSH.
DOM:OH MY GOD.IS THAT.?
DOM'S WIFE:TOLD YOU HE WAS GAY.
TED:I WAS TAKING A LEAK!
T.V.ANNOUNCER:WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF OUR SPECIAL EDITION OF COPS - LIVE IN THE BIBLE BELT!
HEALY:THAT GRANDMOTHER OF YOURS-SHE'S REALLY SOMETHING.
MARY:MAGDA? SHE'S NOT MY GRANDMOTHER-ACTUALLY SHE RENTS THE APARTMENT RIGHT NEXT TO MINE.HER HUSBAND PASSED AWAY A COUPLE YEARS AGO SO SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO BE ALONE.
HEALY:AND IT DOESN'T CRAMP YOUR STYLE?
MARY:SADLY, NO.WELL EXCEPT FOR THE LINT.
HEALY:LINT?
MARY:YEAH, I THINK IT'S THAT DOG OF HERS RUNNING AROUND ON THE RUG ALL DAY-JUST MAKES FOR A LOT OF LINT.LOOK AT THIS.
MARY:SEE? THAT'S JUST ONE DAY.
HEALY:YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD BE LIKE MAGDA AND NOT GO HOME.I'D LIKE TO JUST BOUNCE AROUND FOR AWHILE, DO A LITTLE TRAVELING.
MARY:WHY BOUNCE WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR OWN CONDO IN NEPAL TO GO TO?
HEALY:AH, I'D SELL THAT.START FRESH IN A NEW PLACE, QUIT THE ARCHITECT GAME, SLOW THINGS DOWN, READ MORE BOOKS, SEE MORE MOVIES.
MARY:YOU'RE A MOVIE BUFF?
HEALY:TRY TO BE.IT'S TOUGH GOING WITH THE CRAP THEY MAKE TODAY.IF DUMB AND DUMBER'S THE BEST THEY'VE GOT TO OFFER I SAY THANKS BUT NO THANKS.
MARY:HAVE YOU SEEN IT?
HEALY:NO.BUT THE BOSTON GLOBE CRITIC JAY CARR HATED IT.
MARY:A FUCKING MORON.
HEALY:HUH.I GUESS I JUST WISH THEY MADE THEM LIKE THEY USED TO.YOU KNOW, SOMETHING LIKE THE HEARTBREAK KID.OR HAROLD AND MAUDE.
MARY:HAROLD AND MAUDE IS MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIE.
HEALY:OUCH.COME ON, DON'T BUST MY CHOPS.I KNOW IT'S CORNY, BUT I DO LOVE IT.
MARY:PAT, I'M NOT KIDDING.I REALLY THINK IT'S THE GREATEST-
HEALY:-LOVE STORY OF OUR TIME.
MARY:YEAH.
HEALY:WOW.I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE.
MARY:SO.
HEALY:YEAH.I GUESS THIS IS IT, HUH?
MARY:I GUESS.
HEALY:WELL, I'LL SEE YA.
HEALY:MARY AH, FORGET IT.
MARY:WHAT?
HEALY:NO, FORGET IT, IT WAS STUPID.
MARY:COME ON, WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY?
HEALY:NAH, REALLY, IT WAS MORONIC.
MARY:JUST SAY IT.
HEALY:COULD I FEEL YOUR BOSOMS BEFORE I GO?
MARY:KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
HEALY:OKEY-DOKEY, SO TOMORROW NIGHT?
DETECTIVE FRANEK:MAN, THEY NEVER LOOK LIKE YOU'D EXPECT.
DETECTIVE CAVALLO:THAT'S PROBABLY HOW HE GOT THE VICTIM TO DROP HIS GUARD.
DETECTIVE FRANEK:WHERE'D THEY FIND THE BODY?
DETECTIVE CAVALLO:IN A BIG RED BAG ON THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT.ALL HACKED UP-FUCKING GRUESOME-A REAL PSYCHO, THIS ONE.
TED:I'M TELLING YOU, I DID NOT SOLICIT SEX! I WAS JUST STOPPING TO GO THE BATHROOM, NEXT THING I KNOW I TRIPPED OVER SOMETHING-WELL SOMEONE-AND, POOF, THERE'S COPS AND LIGHTS AND-
DETECTIVE FRANEK:OKAY, CALM DOWN, TED, WE BELIEVE YOU.THE PROBLEM IS WE FOUND YOUR FRIEND IN THE CAR.
TED:OH.THE HITCHHIKER.THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.
TED:ISN'T THAT JUST MY LUCK-I GET CAUGHT FOR EVERYTHING.
DETECTIVE CAVALLO:SO YOU ADMIT IT?
TED:GUILTY AS CHARGED.I'M NOT GONNA PLAY GAMES WITH YOU.I COULD GIVE YOU A SONG AND DANCE BUT WHAT'S THE POINT? I DID IT AND WE ALL KNOW IT.THE HITCHER HIMSELF TOLD ME IT'S ILLEGAL THE IRONY.
DETECTIVE CAVALLO:WELL, UH, CAN YOU TELL US HIS NAME?
TED:JEEZ, I DIDN'T CATCH IT.
DETECTIVE FRANEK:SO HE WAS A STRANGER? IT WAS TOTALLY RANDOM?
TED:HE WAS THE FIRST HITCHER I SAW, WHAT CAN I TELL YOU? NOW CUT TO THE CHASE, HOW MUCH TROUBLE AM I IN?
DETECTIVE FRANEK:FIRST TELL US WHY YOU DID IT.
TED:WHY I DID IT? I DON'T KNOW.BOREDOM? I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THE GUY A FAVOR.
DETECTIVE CAVALLO:THIS WASN'T YOUR FIRST TIME, WAS IT, TED? HOW MANY WE TALKING?
TED:HITCHHIKERS? I DON'T KNOW-FIFTY.A HUNDRED MAYBE-WHO KEEPS TRACK?
DETECTIVE CAVALLO:YOU SONOFABITCH! YOU'RE GONNA FRY!
MARY:MORNIN', JANE.
MEDICAL ASSISTANT #1:GOOD MORNING, DOCTOR.YOUR FRIEND TUCKER'S IN YOUR OFFICE TO SEE YOU.
TUCKER:WHAT'S UP, DOC?
MARY:TUCKER, YOU LOOK DIFFERENT SOME HOW.DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HAIR?
TUCKER:THE TEETH, THE TEETH.I GOT 'EM CAPPED.
MARY:OH YEAH, THEY LOOK GREAT.
TUCKER:YOU DON'T THINK THEY'RE TOO BIG?
MARY:NO NO, THE BIGGER THE BETTER.BUT I MUST SAY, THEY COULD BE A LITTLE BRIGHTER.NOTHING'S SEXIER THAN A MOUTHFUL OF PEARLY WHITES.
TUCKER:YOU EVER BEEN LAID IN THIS OFFICE?
MARY:BEHAVE YOURSELF, TUCKER.COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
TUCKER:I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR FRIEND PATRICK.
MARY:HE'S A NICE GUY, ISN'T HE?
TUCKER:WELL THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT.HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN HIM?
MARY:NOT LONG AT ALL, BUT I REALLY LIKE HIM.OKAY, I KNOW HE'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT, TUCKER, BUT THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT HIM.HE'S A GUY.A REAL GUY.HE DRESSES LIKE A DORK AND EATS CORNDOGS AND HE ISN'T ALWAYS POLITICALLY CORRECT AND HE PROBABLY FARTS, TOO.AND THAT'S OKAY WITH ME.
TUCKER:THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR-A FARTER?
MARY:I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A GUY-NOT ONE OF THESE SOUTH BEACH PUSSIES.
TUCKER:LOOK, IT'S JUST THAT SOMETHING ABOUT HIM STRUCK ME AS ODD LAST NIGHT.HE GAVE ME THIS FUNNY VIBE.ANYWAY, I CALLED SOME FRIENDS BACK EAST.THEY DON'T KNOW OF ANY ARCHITECT NAMED PATRICK HEALY AND HE'S NOT LISTED AS A HARVARD ALUMNUS.
HEALY:FUCK!
MARY:HUH.THAT'S STRANGE.
TUCKER:I THOUGHT SO.ANYWAY, I HOPE YOU DON'T THINK I'M BEING MEDDLESOME.I JUST THINK YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL WITH THIS GUY.
MARY:NO NO NO, TUCKER, THANK YOU.
TUCKER:I MEAN LET'S FACE IT, MARY, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, YOU'VE GOT MONEY, YOU TRUST PEOPLE-I'M JUST SAYING, THERE'S A LOT OF PSYCHOS OUT THERE.
MARY:I APPRECIATE YOU LOOKING OUT FOR ME.
DETECTIVE FRANEK:ON BEHALF OF THE ENTIRE SOUTH CAROLINA LAW ENFORCEMENT COMMUNITY, I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER OUR HEARTFELT APOLOGIES FOR ANY PAIN OR TEMPORARY INCONVENIENCE WE MAY HAVE CAUSED YOU, MR.PELOQUIN.
DETECTIVE FRANEK:AT EXACTLY 10:48 THIS MORNING A MAN WAS APPREHENDED NOT FAR FROM WHERE YOU WERE ARRESTED.HE WAS IDENTIFIED AS AN ESCAPED MENTAL PATIENT AND SUBSEQUENTLY CONFESSED TO THE MURDER THAT YOU WERE BEING HELD FOR.LAB TESTS CONFIRMED A FINGERPRINT MATCH ON THE BAG.
TED:SO.I'M FREE TO GO?
DETECTIVE CAVALLO:NO HARM, NO FOUL?
TED:I GUESS.
DETECTIVE FRANEK:BY THE WAY, THERE'S SOMEBODY HERE TO SEE YOU.
DOM:YOU ARE ONE LUCKY SONOFABITCH, YOU KNOW THAT?
TED:I AM?
DOM:DIDN'T THEY TELL YOU? THAT HITCHER WAS JUST ABOUT TO YOUR THROAT WHEN YOU STOPPED TO TAKE A LEAK.YOU GOT A FUCKING HORSESHOE UP YOUR ASS, MAN.
TED:YEAH FEELS LIKE IT.
TED:HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET HERE ANYWAY?
DOM:FLEW.TOLD MY WIFE I WAS GOING TO A PROMISE KEEPERS CONVENTION.
DOM:I HATE TO RUIN YOUR DAY, TED, BUT I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU.
TED:SHOOT.
DOM:REMEMBER OUR FRIEND HEALY? WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO MAIL HIS LAST PAYCHECK SO I SENT MY ASSISTANT BY HIS MOTHER'S APARTMENT.TURNS OUT THERE IS NO DIABETIC MOM.LANDLORD SAID SHE'S BEEN DEAD FOR TEN YEARS.
TED:AND THIS ADVERSELY AFFECTS ME HOW.?
DOM:DON'T YOU SEE?-HEALY LIED TO US ABOUT EVERYTHING! THE LANDLORD SAID WHEN HE GOT BACK FROM MIAMI HE KEPT TALKING ABOUT FALLING FOR SOME DOCTOR NAMED MARY!
TED:HUH? WHAT? NO.MY MARY? MARY WOULDN'T GO FOR HIM.WOULD SHE?
DOM:HIS ADDRESS IN MIAMI.YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, WE REALLY DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT THIS GUY.
TED:JESUS CHRIST WHAT HAVE I DONE?
LISA:YOU'RE NOT SERIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT GOING OUT WITH THIS GUY AGAIN?
JOANNIE:MARY, HE SOUNDS LIKE A PSYCHO!
MAGDA:WOULD YOU HENS QUIT YA CACKLING AND LET HER DO WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO.PUFFY LIKED HIM AND PUFFY'S NEVER WRONG.
BRENDA:MARY, THE GUY'S FULL OF SHIT.
MARY:WHAT IF HE'S NOT? WHAT IF TUCKER JUST MADE AN HONEST MISTAKE?
LISA:WHAT IF HE DIDN'T?
MARY:I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAN BAIL NOW, HE'S GOING TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
JOANNIE:WELL THEN BLOW HIM OFF WHEN HE GETS HERE.
MARY:BUT YOU DIDN'T MEET HIM.HE SEEMS SO I DON'T KNOW.PERFECT.KIND OF.
BRENDA:HE HAS A BIG COCK, DOESN'T HE?
MAGDA:HEY HEY, WHAT DID YOU SAY PAT'S LAST NAME WAS?
MARY:HEALY.
MAGDA:I THINK YOU BETTER LISTEN TO THIS.
SULLY:SO WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, HEALY?
HEALY:AH, I GOT A DATE TONIGHT WITH THAT MARY GIRL I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
SULLY:THE SAWBONES?
HEALY:YEP.
BRENDA:WE HIT THE MOTHERLODE.
MARY:WE SHOULDN'T BE LISTENING TO THIS.
LISA AND JOANNIE:SHHH.
SULLY:SHE STILL THINK YOU'RE A FUCKING ARCHITECT?
HEALY:OH YEAH.
SULLY:DUMBSHIT.
LISA:MR.PERFECT, HUH?
MARY:TURN IT UP, MAGDA.
HEALY:HEY, WATCH YOUR MOUTH-SHE'S A GREAT GAL.I'M THE DUMBSHIT FOR LYING TO HER.
SULLY:WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH?
HEALY:I DON'T KNOW.I GUESS.IT JUST SEEMS THAT WOMEN TODAY ARE MORE IMPRESSED BY THE MIGHTY BUCK THAN BY SOME SCHMO WHO SPENT THE LAST SEVENTEEN YEARS SCRAPING BY ON PEACE CORP WAGES.
SULLY:BUT JESUS, PAT, IF SHE'S AS SPECIAL AS YOU SAY, SHE'S GOING TO WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE THINGS YOU DID.
HEALY:AHH.
SULLY:COME ON, YOU COULD TELL HER ABOUT THE IRRIGATION DITCHES YOU DUG IN SUDAN, THE ORPHAN BABIES WHO CRIED IN YOUR ARMS IN ROMANIA.THE HOPE YOU GAVE FREDDIE THE LEPER IN CALTA.
JOANNIE:I LOVE THIS MAN.
HEALY:LOOK, I DID ALL THOSE THINGS FOR MYSELF.I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, I'M A SELFISH PRICK.I GET A HIGH FROM HELPING ALL OF GOD'S CREATURES.AN HONEST TO GOODNESS HIGH.
SULLY:THAT'S BULLSHIT, MAN YOU, UH, YOU WERE ON THE FRONT LINE.REMEMBER THE, UH, MALARIA THE, UH, TYPHOON FEVER THAT VICIOUS STRAIN OF GENITAL HERPES?
HEALY:UH, SURE.I CURED A LOT OF NASTY ILLNESSES IN THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES.
HEALY:THE BOTTOM LINE IS, I'M NOT GOING TO USE MY PHILANTHROPY AS SOME FORM OF CURRENCY.ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT I DID.I LIED TO THIS POOR GIRL.LIED.MAN.SHE DESERVED BETTER.
SULLY:HEY, LOVE WILL MAKE YOU DO FUCKED-UP THINGS.
HEALY:YOU SAID IT, MISTER.I GOTTA GO.
HEALY:OH MARY.LOOK, THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU.I'M NOT
MARY:ALL SET.
HEALY:YOU LOOK GREAT.HEY, MARE, DO I HAVE A RIP IN THE BACK OF THESE PANTS?
TED:FUCK ME.LET'S GO HOME.
DOM:NO! YOU'VE GONE THROUGH WAY TOO MUCH TO BACK DOWN NOW.GET OVER THERE AND DO SOMETHING-I CAN'T STAND WATCHING THIS.
MARY:WHOA, WHOA, HOW'S MY STOMACH TASTE?
HEALY:HOW'S MY STOMACH TASTE, SHE SAYS.HEY THANKS FOR PICKING UP THE LUNCH TAB, MARE.SORRY I FORGOT MY WALLET.I FEEL LIKE A DOG.
MARY:FORGET IT.IT WAS.FUN.
TED:HOLY SHIT, THERE'S WARREN.
WARREN:FRANKS AND BEANS!
TED:JESUS, I THINK HER BROTHER SPOTTED ME.
WARREN:BEANS AND FRANKS.
MARY:GIVE IT A REST, WAR.YOU JUST ATE.
HEALY:AW, LEAVE HIM ALONE, HE'S JUST GOT A BIG APPETITE.AM I RIGHT?
WARREN:HUH?
HEALY:I SAID YOU'VE GOT A BIG APP-
HEALY:URRGGGHH.
MARY:WARREN!
DOM:ATTABOY!
MARY:ARE YOU OKAY?
HEALY:NOT TO WORRY.SO.SEE YOU TONIGHT, RIGHT? RIGHT?
MARY:SURE.
DOM:WELL? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
TED:I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
DOM:TELL HER THE TRUTH ABOUT HEALY! BLOW THE SCHMUCK OUT OF THE WATER.
TED:ARE YOU CRAZY? I'VE UNLEASHED A PSYCHO ON HER.SHE'S GONNA BE FUCKING PISSED.SHE'S EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I REMEMBER.
DOM:GET OVER THERE, YOU PUSSY! SHE'S LEAVING!
TED:YOU ASSHOLE, WHAT ARE YOU- MARY! IS THAT YOU?
MARY:WHO'S THAT?
TED:IT IS YOU! IT'S ME.TED.FROM RHODE ISLAND TED.
MARY:OH MY GOD.TED.WHAT ARE YOU.? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE-
TED:YUP, THAT'S RIGHT.JUNIOR PROM.KINDA.
MARY:AND DID EVERYTHING?
TED:OH YEAH, HEALED RIGHT UP.NO VISIBLE SCARS.
TED:HOW ARE YOU DOING, WARREN?
WARREN:GOOD, TED.PIGGY BACK RIDE?
TED:I'M GONNA TAKE A RAIN CHECK.
MARY:I CAN'T BELIEVE HE REMEMBERED YOU.HE NEVER REMEMBERS ANYBODY.YOU KNOW I TRIED TO CALL YOU FOR WEEKS AFTER THAT.
TED:REALLY? I NEVER GOT A MESSAGE.
MARY:THAT'S WEIRD.I TALKED TO YOUR BROTHER JIMMY FIVE OR SIX TIMES.
MARY:BY THE WAY, HOW'S HE DOING?
TED:HE'S DEAD.
MARY:OH, TED I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
TED:NO, IT WAS A GOOD THING.I MEAN, GOOD IN THAT IT WAS VERY QUICK.
MARY:OH.SO.WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN HERE?
TED:FUNNY STORY.YOU SEE, ME AND A BUDDY OF MINE DECIDED TO.AH.YOU KNOW.JUST.DRIVE DOWN.
MARY:WELL YOU LOOK GREAT.ARE YOU MARRIED, DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
TED:NOPE, NOPE-DODGED A FEW BULLETS.GOD, I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M STANDING HERE WITH MARY JENSON.
MARY:ACTUALLY, IT'S MARY BROOKS NOW.
TED:OH.ARE YOU.?
MARY:NOPE, HAVEN'T WALKED THE PLANK YET.THERE WAS THIS GUY BACK IN COLLEGE WHO WAS BOTHERING ME.GOT KIND OF UGLY-A RESTRAINING ORDER, THE WHOLE BIT.ANYWAY, WHEN I GOT OUT OF PRINCETON I CHANGED MY NAME AS A PRECAUTION.
TED:JEEZ.THAT SOUNDS AWFUL.HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OUT TO DINNER TONIGHT, CATCH UP ON OLD TIMES?
MARY:DIDN'T WE JUST DO THAT?
MARY:I'M KIDDING.I'D REALLY LOVE TO, TED, BUT THE THING IS I ALREADY HAVE PLANS.HOW ABOUT TOMORROW NIGHT?
TED:MARY, WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN TWELVE YEARS.DON'T MAKE ME WAIT ANOTHER DAY.
MARY:TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE STAYING.I'LL PICK YOU UP AT EIGHT.
MAGDA:I'M BUYING BANANAS TONIGHT.
MARY:WHY?
MAGDA:BACK WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE I ALWAYS USED TO MAKE MYSELF A BIG BANANA SPLIT AFTER SEX.I THINK YOU'RE GONNA NEED ONE TONIGHT.
MARY:DON'T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF.YOU'LL PROBABLY NEED IT BEFORE I WILL.
MAGDA:DON'T BET ON IT.LAST TIME I HAD A PAP SMEAR THE GUY NEEDED LEATHER GLOVES AND AN OYSTER SHUCKER.
MARY:SO MAYBE I COULD FIND A NICE GENTLEMAN TO TAKE YOU TO THE MOVIES.
MAGDA:KNOCK IT OFF, POLLYANNA, JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE IN LOVE DOESN'T MEAN EVERYONE ELSE HAS TO BE.
MARY:LOVE? COME ON, I WOULDN'T CALL IT LOVE.
MAGDA:OH NO? I AIN'T SEEN YOU BEAMING LIKE THIS SINCE YOU BROKE NINETY ON THE BLUE MONSTER.
MARY:WELL I AM PRETTY PSYCHED.I RAN INTO A GUY TODAY I HADN'T SEEN SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.
MAGDA:AN OLD FLAME?
MARY:KIND OF.TED PELOQUIN-ONE OF THE SWEETEST GUYS IN THE WORLD.
MARY:HE WAS SO SHY AND CLUMSY.I HAD A MAJOR CRUSH ON HIM.
HEALY:NO!
MARY:WE'RE GONNA GO OUT TONIGHT.OH, THAT REMINDS ME, I'VE GOT TO CALL WHAT'S-HIS-FACE AND CANCEL.
MAGDA:DO I SENSE A CHILL IN THE AIR?
MARY:OH, MAGDA, I LET MY HEAD GET IN THE WAY OF MY LOVE LIFE.I ALWAYS PICK GUYS ON WHAT I FEEL IN HERE.BUT WITH THIS PAT GUY MY HEAD KEPT SAYING "GROW UP, MARY.YOU HAVE A LOT IN COMMON WITH THIS ONE, YOU'LL GROW TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR HIM." BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED.
HEALY:HEY, PATTY-BOY HERE.SORRY I MISSED YA, BUT I'M OUT RUSTLING UP SOME CHAMPAGNE AND ROSES IN PREPARATION FOR THE GREATEST BIRTHDAY OF MY LIFE.HOPE YOU AND YOURS ARE HAVING A GOOD DAY, TOO.
MARY:UH, HI PAT, IT'S ME, MARY.JUST WANTED TO SAY I'M.LOOKING FORWARD TO TONIGHT.
MAGDA:YOU VICIOUS BITCH, HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?
MARY:I CAN'T DO IT-I JUST FOUND OUT IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.I GUESS I'VE GOTTA CANCEL ON TED.
MARY:TUCKER.COME ON IN.
MAGDA:WELL LOOK WHO'S HERE.
TUCKER:THERE SHE IS-I BROUGHT YOU A LITTLE THIRST-QUENCHER, MAG.
MAGDA:OH, YOU ARE SWEET.
TUCKER:NO, I'M NOT.I JUST WANT TO GET YOU-DRUNK SO YOU'LL PASS OUT AND I CAN HAVE MY WAY WITH MARY.
MARY:CAN I POUR YOU ONE?
TUCKER:THANKS, BUT I'VE GOT TO BE GOING.UNFORTUNATELY, DOC, THIS ISN'T A SOCIAL VISIT.
MARY:WHAT'S UP?
TUCKER:WELL.I'VE GOT A LITTLE MORE NEWS ABOUT YOUR FRIEND HEALY.
MARY:I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY, BUT HE ALREADY TOLD ME EVERYTHING.I KNOW HE'S NOT AN ARCHITECT.
TUCKER:I THINK YOU'D BETTER SIT DOWN.
MARY:TUCKER, I APPRECIATE YOU DOING ALL THIS, BUT I'M REALLY STRAPPED FOR TIME HERE AND-
TUCKER:MARY, THE MAN'S A KILLER.
MARY:WHAT.?
TUCKER:I'VE GOT A FRIEND IN THE BOSTON POLICE DEPARTMENT.HE FAXED ME THIS THIS MORNING.I'LL JUST GIVE YOU THE HIGHLIGHTS.AFTER A SHORT STINT AS A PETTY THIEF, PATRICK R.HEALY GRADUATED TO ARMED ROBBERY BY THE AGE OF FOURTEEN.AT SIXTEEN HE COMMITTED HIS FIRST MURDER-A PRETTY TEACHER'S AID NAMED MOLLY PETTYGROVE.HE WAS INCARCERATED UNTIL AGE TWENTY-TWO WHEN, DESPITE A GRIM PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE, THE STATE WAS FORCED TO RELEASE HIM.IN HIS MID-TWENTIES AND AGAIN IN HIS EARLY THIRTIES HE WAS SUSPECTED OF HOMICIDES IN THE STATES OF UTAH AND WASHINGTON.UNFORTUNATELY, THE BODIES WERE SO BADLY DECOMPOSED THAT THERE WASN'T ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO HOLD HIM, AND ON AND ON AND SO FORTH AND SO ON.
MARY:HOLY SHIT.
MAGDA:PUFFY, GET OVER HERE.
MARY:MAGDA!
MAGDA:THE LITTLE SHIT LIED TO ME ABOUT THAT GUY!
MARY:I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.I'M SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING HIM IN AN HOUR.
TUCKER:OKAY, JUST CALM DOWN.IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
MAGDA:WHY YOU TWO NEVER HOOKED UP IS BEYOND ME.
MARY:MAGDA'S RIGHT, I'M SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE.
TUCKER:DON'T GET ALL GOOEY ON ME NOW, YOU'LL GIVE ME A BIG HEAD.THE IMPORTANT THING, DOCTOR, IS YOU'VE GOT TO DISTANCE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT PISSING THIS PSYCHO OFF.
MARY:YEAH, YEAH.OKAY, I THINK I KNOW WHAT TO DO.I'LL CALL HIM RIGHT NOW.
HEALY:HI, I'M OUT DRINKING CHAMPAGNE AND ROSES.AND I'M REALLY HAPPY.LEAVE A MESSAGE.BEEP.
MARY:UH, HEY BUDDY.OH BOY, AM I PISSED.YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS-WELL, YOU'LL BELIEVE IT, THERE'S NO REASON NOT TO-BUT I JUST GOT BEEPED FOR EMERGENCY SURGERY.WELL, UM, SORRY, BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BAIL ON YOU.
HEALY:YOU'RE GONNA PAY, FUCKER.
TED:OH GOD, I'M FUCKING NERVOUS.I DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY FOR THIS, MAN.
DOM:JUST RELAX.HAVE YOU HIT THE CASH MACHINE?
TED:GOT CASH.
DOM:CAR CLEAN? PLENTY OF GAS?
TED:CHECK.
DOM:MINTS?
TED:COPPED A TIN OF ALTOIDS AT THE CAR WASH.
DOM:OKAY, SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE ALL SET.JUST CLEAN THE PIPES AND IT'S A GO.
TED:HM?
DOM:YOU KNOW, CLEAN THE PIPES.
TED:PIPES? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
DOM:YOU JERK OFF BEFORE ALL BIG DATES, RIGHT? TELL ME YOU JERK OFF BEFORE YOUR BIG DATES.
DOM:YOU DON'T JERK OFF BEFORE?! ARE YOU CRAZY?! THAT'S LIKE GOING OUT THERE WITH A LOADED GUN.NO WONDER YOU'RE NERVOUS!
DOM:THINK ABOUT IT:AFTER YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH A GIRL AND THE TWO OF YOU ARE LAYING IN BED, ARE YOU NERVOUS?
TED:NO.
DOM:WHY'S THAT?
TED:I'M USUALLY TOO TIRED TO BE.
DOM:WRONG.IT'S BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT THE BABY BATTER IN YOUR BRAIN ANY MORE.THAT'LL FUCK WITH YOUR HEAD, THAT STUFF WILL.
TED:HUH.
DOM:THE MOST HONEST MOMENT IN A MAN'S LIFE IS THE FIVE MINUTES AFTER HE'S BLOWN A LOAD.THAT'S A MEDICAL FACT.AND IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE NO LONGER TRYING TO GET LAID.YOU'RE ACTUALLY THINKING LIKE A GIRL.THEY LOVE THAT.
TED:JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE RIGHT.
DOM:YOU BET YOUR ASS I'M RIGHT.YOU DON'T GO OUT WITH A LOADED GUN, YOU EMPTY THE BARRELS!
TED:HOLY SHIT, I'VE BEEN GOING OUT WITH A LOADED GUN!
DOM:PEOPLE GET HURT THAT WAY.
TED:HEY.
MARY:HI, TED.
TED:YOU LOOK GREAT.
MARY:THANKS.
MARY:WHAT'S THAT?
TED:HM?
MARY:ON YOUR EAR, YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING.
MARY:IT LOOKS LIKE A GOB OF.
MARY:IS THAT.HAIR GEL?
TED:SURE.
MARY:OH GREAT, I RAN OUT.
HEALY:YOU MOTHERFUCKER, YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!
TUCKER:OKAY, PAT, TAKE IT EASY-DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID.
HEALY:WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE MAKING UP THAT BULLSHIT ABOUT ME?!
TUCKER:WHOA, WHOA-I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
HEALY:MAYBE THIS'LL JOG YOUR MEMORY.
HEALY:I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT-IT'S GOT SOMETHING TO DO WITH ME BEING A MURDERER.
TUCKER:OKAY, OKAY, I MIGHT'VE GOTTEN SOME BAD INFORMATION.
HEALY:THAT STALKER TED GOT TO YOU, RIGHT? YOU'RE WORKING FOR HIM, AREN'T YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT?
TUCKER:WHO?
HEALY:THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, YOU FUCK.NOW EITHER YOU COME CLEAN OR I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS FROM HERE TO TALLAHASSEE.
TUCKER:I LOVE HER, OKAY?!
HEALY:YOU WHAT?
TUCKER:YOU HEARD ME, GODDAMNIT.I.I LOVE HER.
TUCKER:I'M A PHONY-JUST LIKE YOU, MAN.
HEALY:WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
TUCKER:I MEAN I'M A FUCKING FRAUD.I'M NO ARCHITECT.DON'T BE A PUTZ-WHO'S BEEN TO SANTIAGO TWICE IN A YEAR? ESTADIO OLIMPICO-PLEASE!
HEALY:BUT.BUT YOU KNEW PEOPLE AT HARVARD.
TUCKER:I KNEW SHIT.THE ONLY THING I KNEW WAS THAT YOU WERE A FAKE AND I MADE UP EVERYTHING ELSE.MY REAL NAME'S NORM.I DELIVER PIZZAS.
HEALY:BULLSHIT!
TED:THANKS, THAT'S GREAT.
WAITER:MADAME?
MARY:THANK YOU.
TED:NOW BY KILLER, YOU MEAN.?
MARY:I MEAN HE MURDERED SOMEONE AND DID TIME BACK IN BOSTON.THE GUY'S A FREAK.
TED:JEEZ, MARY.I'M.
MARY:WELL, LUCKY FOR ME I FOUND OUT.THANK GOD I HAVE FRIENDS LIKE TUCKER.LOOK, I'M SICK OF TALKING ABOUT STALKERS.LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU.
TUCKER:.SO THEN IN '94 I WENT BACK TO DADE COMMUNITY COLLEGE FOR A SEMESTER AND WHEN THE WAL-MART CASHIER JOB FELL THROUGH I HOOKED UP WITH THE PIZZA BARN.
HEALY:AND YOU MET MARY HOW?
TUCKER:JUST DUMB LUCK.I DELIVERED A PIE TO HER ONE NIGHT AND SHE ANSWERED THE DOOR IN HER NIGHTGOWN-THAT WAS IT FOR ME.I WENT HOME THAT NIGHT, SHAVED MY BEARD, AND A WEEK LATER I WAS LAID OUT IN HER OFFICE WITH A BROKEN BACK.
HEALY:HOW'D YOU MANAGE THAT ONE?
TUCKER:FRIEND.BASEBALL BAT.
HEALY:NICE.
TUCKER:OH YEAH, THE PLAN WAS GOING ALONG JUST FINE UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP.
HEALY:HEY, HEY, HEY, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO STARTED TELLING BALD-FACED LIES ABOUT THE COMPETITION-THAT'S CROSSING THE LINE!
TUCKER:WHAT LINE? THE DAY YOU FIRST LAID YOUR OILY RAP ON MY FUTURE WIFE YOU STARTED A WAR!
HEALY:FUTURE WIFE? GET REAL, MAN-YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN A GLORIFIED BROTHER IN HER EYES.
TUCKER:WHY YOU SON OF A-
HEALY:OKAY, CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN-THE BOTTOM LINE IS NEITHER OF US ARE GOING TO GET HER IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT HEADCASE SHE'S WITH NOW.
MARY:YOU HIT THE BALL PRETTY GOOD FOR A FOURTEEN.
TED:NO SHORT GAME.
MARY:WE SHOULD PLAY SOME TIME.I MEAN, IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO LOSE SOME MONEY.
TED:WHAT ARE YOU?
MARY:TWENTY-TWO.
TED:BULLSHIT, A TWENTY-TWO DOESN'T CARRY A ONE-IRON-DON'T SANDBAG ME, LADY.
MARY:OKAY, SOMETIMES I'M A NINETEEN.
TED:THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.TWO MORE NITRATE-SICLES PLEASE.
COUNTER-MAN:YOU GOT IT.
MARY:NITRATE-SICLES-I LIKE THAT.
TED:I SAY THEY SHOULD PUT MORE MEATS ON A STICK, YOU KNOW? THEY GOT A LOT OF SWEETS ON STICKS-POPSICLES, FUDGESICLES, LOLLIPOPS-BUT HARDLY ANY MEAT.
MARY:I AGREE THERE SHOULD BE MORE.
TED:YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO SEE? MEAT IN A CONE.YOU COULD PUT CORNED BEEF HASH IN A CONE, OR CHOPPED LIVER.
MARY:I LIKE IT.AND THINK OF THE TOPPINGS-CHEESE, MUSHROOMS, MINT JELLY
TED:NOT TO MENTION KETCHUP AND HOT PEPPERS.
MARY:IT'S TOO BAD YOU DON'T LIVE DOWN HERE, TED.
TED:YEAH?
MARY:WE'VE GOT A LOT IN COMMON.
TED:WELL.WHY DON'T YOU MOVE BACK?
MARY:AH, MY ROOTS HERE ARE TOO DEEP.I LOVE MY PRACTICE, THE PEOPLE I WORK WITH, WARREN'S GOT A NICE THING GOING WHY DON'T YOU JUST MOVE DOWN HERE AND MARRY ME?
MARY:SO YOU'RE A WRITER?
TED:TRYING TO BE.
MARY:WELL GOOD FOR YOU.I BET IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.
TED:WE'LL SEE.IF IT DOESN'T, WHAT THE HELL, AT LEAST I GAVE IT A SHOT.
MARY:THAT'S RIGHT.AND THE GOOD THING IS YOU CAN DO IT ANYWHERE.
TED:WHAT ABOUT YOU, MARE? HOW THE HELL'D YOU MANAGE TO STAY SINGLE?
MARY:I DON'T KNOW.MY FRIENDS THINK I'M TOO PICKY.I THINK I'M JUST A WEIRDO MAGNET.I DID COME CLOSE ONCE-JUST LAST YEAR, IN FACT.THERE WAS THIS GUY HE LIVED IN SAN FRANCISCO.
TUCKER:THAT STALKIN' SON-OF-A-BITCH!
HEALY:FUCKING SICKENING.
HEALY:HOW MANY IS THAT?
TUCKER:FOUR.
HEALY:THAT SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF SPEED FOR A LITTLE POOCH-YOU SURE IT WON'T KILL HIM?
TUCKER:I NEVER SAID THAT.
MARY:.AND THEN IT WAS ALL OVER.WE HAVEN'T SPOKEN SINCE.
TED:WOW.THAT'S TOO BAD.HE SOUNDS ALMOST PERFECT.
MARY:YEAH.ALMOST.YOU WANT TO COME UP AND WATCH SPORTSCENTER?
TED:UH NO.I THINK I'M GONNA GET OUT WHILE I'M AHEAD.
MARY:TED.YOU'RE NOT THAT FAR AHEAD.
TED:LOOK, MARY, THE TRUTH IS.I'LL BE IN TOWN FOR A WHILE NOW BUT I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER FOR A FEW WEEKS.
MARY:WHY NOT?
TED:WELL.TO BE HONEST.I'M REALLY CRAZY ABOUT YOU AND IT'S MAKING ME NERVOUS AND WHEN I GET NERVOUS I'M NOT MYSELF AND I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO DOING SOMETHING REALLY DUMB BEFORE WE GET STARTED SO I THINK I SHOULD JUST LAY BACK UNTIL I REGAIN MY COMPOSURE.
MARY:THAT'S REALLY SWEET, TED, BUT YOU SHOULD SAVE IT FOR ONE OF YOUR BOOKS.
TED:ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
MARY:MAGDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MAGDA:OH, HI HON.JUST STRAIGHTENING UP.
MARY:WHERE'S PUFFY?
MAGDA:AH, HE WAS BEING A PEST SO I PUT HIM IN THE BATHROOM.
MARY:UM, TED, I NEED A MOMENT WITH MAGDA-WOULD YOU LET THE DOG OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
TED:YEAH, SURE.
TED:UH, MARE, WHAT KIND OF DOG IS PUFFY?
MARY:TOY POODLE!
MAGDA:STOP IT, YOU'RE HURTING HIM!
TED:TELL HIM.TO CALM DOWN.
TED:HEY.
TED:THE FLOWERS ARE FOR YOU AND THE BALL'S FOR WARREN.I HAD A FRIEND OF MINE FEDEX IT TO ME-IT'S SIGNED BY TONY CONIGLIARO.
MARY:DID YOU HIRE PAT HEALY TO FOLLOW ME AROUND?
TED:WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
MARY:IT'S NOT TRUE.RIGHT, TED?
TED:WELL, FUNNY STORY THERE.YOU SEE, UH, IT STARTED OUT AS A UH.YEAH.IT'S TRUE.
MARY:GET OUT.
TED:WAIT, HOLD ON, MARY-IT'S NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS.I CERTAINLY DIDN'T KNOW-
MARY:THAT YOU PUT A MURDERER ON MY TRAIL?
TED:WELL YEAH, I DIDN'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HIM.I JUST THOUGHT-
MARY:WHAT DID YOU THINK, TED? THAT YOU COULD SPY ON ME AND TRICK ME INTO THINKING YOU WERE SOMEONE I COULD.REALLY GO FOR?
TED:MARY, I SWEAR I WASN'T TRYING TO TRICK YOU.
MARY:THEN WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT FOR?
TED:I DID IT BECAUSE BECAUSE I'D NEVER STOPPED THINKING ABOUT YOU AND IF I DIDN'T FIND YOU I KNEW MY LIFE WOULD NEVER BE GOOD AGAIN.
MARY:PLEASE LEAVE.
TED:MARY, COME ON.
MARY:GO!
TED:OKAY.
TED:HELLO.?
HEALY:HO-LY SHIT.
TUCKER:HEY, THIS IS A PRETTY NICE PLACE.
HEALY:SULLY.! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?!
HEALY:HEY, HEY, HEY!
TED:SURPRISED?
TUCKER:HEY, BUDDY, DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH NOW.
TED:WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
HEALY:HE'S IN LOVE WITH MARY, TOO.
TED:YOU FUCKED ME, MAN? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
HEALY:WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'WHY'?
TED:ANSWER THE QUESTION, SHITBALL.
TUCKER:I THINK EVERYBODY COULD USE A DRINK.
HEALY:LOOK, YOU ASKED ME TO FOLLOW YOUR GIRL AROUND, AND I DID AND I STARTED TO LIKE HER, AND THEN I REALIZED I JUST COULDN'T IN GOOD CONSCIENCE DO IT.
TED:DO WHAT?
HEALY:TURN HER OVER TO A STALKER.
TED:WHAT?! YOU'RE CALLING ME A STALKER?
HEALY:THAT'S RIGHT-IF YOU WEREN'T YOU WOULD'VE LOOKED FOR HER YOURSELF!
HEALY:OH CHRIST.POOR DOG.
TED:YOU'RE A SICK MAN, YOU KNOW THAT?
HEALY:YEAH WELL FUCK YOU! YOU JUST CAN'T STAND THE FACT THAT IT WAS MY TURN.
TED:YOUR TURN?
HEALY:THAT'S RIGHT, HOT SHOT! MY TURN.WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME, HUH? WHY CAN'T I EVER GET THE GREAT GIRL? GIVE THE BIG PIG WITH THE B.O.TO HEALY, RIGHT? WELL I WAS SICK OF IT, MAN! NO MORE-IT WAS MY TURN.IT WAS TIME FOR ME.TIME FOR ME.TO BE HAPPY.
TED:WELL YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BLOW US BOTH OUT OF THE WATER.JESUS CHRIST, JUST BECAUSE SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT YOU, WHY'D YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME DOWN WITH YOU?
HEALY:I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
TED:I'M TALKING ABOUT THE LETTER, ASSHOLE.
HEALY:WHAT?
TED:ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU DIDN'T SEND MARY A LETTER OUTLINING OUR DEAL?
HEALY:WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT? I'D BE SCREWING MYSELF.
HEALY:YOU LITTLE FUCK.
TUCKER:WHAT?
HEALY:YOU FUCKING PRICK, WE HAD A DEAL-YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T FUCK ME AND I WOULDN'T FUCK YOU UNTIL WE HAD THIS FUCK OUT OF THE FUCKING PICTURE.YOU CROSSED THE LINE, MAN.
TUCKER:WHOA, WHOA, YOU'RE GETTING CRAZY NOW.WHY WOULD I CROSS THE LINE-WHAT DO YOU THINK I GOT NO PRIDE?
TUCKER:I SWEAR! I DIDN'T TELL HER NOTHING! YOU PROBABLY DID IT YOURSELF, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
HEALY:OH THAT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.WHY WOULD I RAT MYSELF OUT?
TUCKER:LIKE I'M GOING TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT A GUY WHO'S IDEA OF COURTING IS BLOWING FARTS IN THE CHICK'S FACE
HEALY:YOU WERE FOLLOWING US?
TUCKER:DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF-I WAS FOLLOWING HER, I ALWAYS DO.HOW THE HELL YOU THINK I GOT RID OF MARY'S BOYFRIEND STEVE?
TED:YOU MEAN.STEVE DIDN'T SAY ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT WARREN?
TUCKER:ARE YOU SHITTING ME-MR.GOODY-TWO-SHOES? HE WAS LIKE A FUCKING EAGLE SCOUT.YOU TWO SHOULD BE KISSING MY BALLS-IF IT WASN'T FOR ME, SHE MIGHT'VE MARRIED THAT SCHMUCK!
TED:THE HELL WITH YOU BOTH-I'M OUT OF HERE.
HEALY:OH.SULLY.
TUCKER:LOOK, IF IT WASN'T YOU WHO SENT THE LETTER, AND IT WASN'T ME WHO SENT IT?
MARY:WOOGIE? WHAT ARE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
DOM:DID YOU GET MY LETTER, MARE? THE ONE ABOUT TED?
MARY:YOU SENT THAT?
DOM:UH-HUH.I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
MARY:WELL.THANK YOU.BUT.YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WITHIN FOUR HUNDRED YARDS OF ME.
DOM:THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO TELL YA.I'VE BEEN THROUGH TWO YEARS OF EXTENSIVE PSYCHOTHERAPY AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU WERE RIGHT-I NEEDED HELP.
MARY:THAT'S GREAT, WOOGIE, I'M HAPPY YOU'RE BETTER-YOU SEEM.GOOD-BUT.YOU PUT ME THROUGH QUITE AN ORDEAL, YOU KNOW.
MARY:I HAD TO MOVE, GO TO COURT, CHANGE MY LAST NAME-YOU STOLE ALL MY SHOES!
DOM:LOOK AT ME.
DOM:LOOK AT ME, MARY.ON MY MOTHER'S SOUL, ON GOD ABOVE, ON EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY TO ME, I DID NOT STEAL YOUR SHOES.
MARY:WOOGIE, I CAUGHT YOU RED-HANDED.
DOM:ALL RIGHT, I DID, BUT I WAS IN A WEIRD PLACE THEN.
DOM:GIVE ME A BREAK, MARE, I WAS NUTS!
MARY:WOOGIE, PLEASE, YOU'RE STARTING TO SCARE ME.
HEALY:WHO THE HELL'S WOOGIE?
MARY:I'M ASKING YOU TO LEAVE.
DOM:OH, MARY, HONEY, YOU'RE TAKING THIS ALL WRONG.I'M NOT LEAVING.
DOM:.NOT UNTIL I GET A LITTLE SOMETHING TO REMEMBER YOU BY.
MARY:STOP THAT! NO! SOMEBODY HELP ME!
MARY:STOP IT!
DOM:JUST ONE PAIR! YOU OWE ME THAT MUCH, YOU HEARTLESS BITCH!
HEALY:DOM, YOU'RE PATHETIC, FUCKING OVER YOUR FRIEND TED LIKE THAT.
DOM:WHAT? YOU FUCKED HIM OVER, TOO.
HEALY:HE'S NO FRIEND OF MINE.
MAGDA:WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?
HEALY:WE'RE IN LOVE WITH YOUR ROOMMATE.
MAGDA:AW, CHRIST, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.I'M GONNA PACK MY BAGS AND GO BACK TO MY OWN PLACE.
MARY:TUCKER, WHERE ARE YOUR CRUTCHES?
TUCKER:INTERESTING QUERY, MARY.
HEALY:SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TELL HER THE TRUTH.
TUCKER:WELL ISN'T THIS NICE-NOW WE'VE GOT THE WHOLE GANG TOGETHER.
TED:DOM? WHAT ARE YOU?
DOM:YOU STOLE HER FROM ME.NOW I WANT HER BACK.
MARY:WOOGIE AND I WENT OUT FOR AWHILE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
TED:YOU'RE WOOGIE?
DOM:DOM WOOGANOWSKI.DUH.
TED:BUT BUT YOU'RE MARRIED.YOU HAVE KIDS A GREAT WIFE.
DOM:IF YOU'RE SO HAPPY WITH THEM, PLEASE, BE MY GUEST.
HEALY:IF I MAY I HAVE A PROPOSAL.
HEALY:I SAY NONE OF US LEAVE THIS ROOM UNTIL OUR YOUNG MARY HERE STOPS JERKING US AROUND AND DECIDES ONCE AND FOR ALL WHO SHE WANTS.NOW MARY, I KNOW THIS IS DIFFICULT BUT YOU REALLY WILL BE DOING THEM ALL A FAVOR TO TELL THEM THE TRUTH ABOUT US.
MARY:ARE YOU CRAZY? WHY WOULD I PICK YOU? YOU'RE A MURDERER.
TUCKER:UH, WELL.NOT EXACTLY.YOU SEE, I EXAGGERATED A LITTLE THERE.
MARY:YOU MEAN HE'S NOT A CRIMINAL?
HEALY:GOD NO! I'M JUST A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!
MARY:TUCKER.NOT YOU, TOO?
TUCKER:NAME'S NORM.I LIVE UP IN POMPANO WITH MY FOLKS.
MARY:OH JESUS.
MARY:BRETT.?
BRETT FAVRE:HI, MARY.
HEALY:WHAT THE HELL IS BRETT FAVRE DOING HERE?
BRETT FAVRE:WE'RE IN TOWN TO PLAY THE DOLPHINS.
TED:I CALLED HIM.I TOLD HIM TO PICK UP WARREN AND GET OVER HERE.
TED:MARY, I FOUND OUT THAT YOUR BUDDY TUCKER THERE LIED TO YOU ABOUT BRETT.
TED:BRETT NEVER SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT WARREN.HE LOVES WARREN.AND FROM WHAT HE JUST TOLD ME ON THE PHONE, HE LOVES YOU, TOO.HE'S THE GUY YOU SHOULD BE WITH.BRETT FAVRE THAT'S RIGHT, MARE.AND YOU KNOW I'LL ALWAYS BE TRUE TO YOU.
DOM:AW SHIT, THIS ISN'T FAIR.
TED:I REALIZED SOMETHING TONIGHT.I'M NO BETTER THAN ANY OF THESE GUYS.NONE OF THEM REALLY LOVE YOU.THEY JUST FIXATED ON YOU BECAUSE OF HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.BUT THAT'S NOT REAL LOVE.THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SEE THAT.NOW I CAN GET ON WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.
TUCKER:OH PLEASE.
DOM:DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MARY.IT'S A PLOY.
HEALY:YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT, STROHMAN.ARE YOU GOING TO STAND HERE AND TELL US THAT YOU AREN'T IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL?
TED:YEAH.THAT'S WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.SEE YOU, MARE.
TED:SEE YOU, WARREN.
WARREN:HUH.?
TED:SEE YOU, WARREN.
WARREN:BYE, TED.
DOM:HEY, BRETT, ANY CHANCE I CAN GET YOU TO AUTOGRAPH ONE OF THESE PUMPS FOR ME?
MARY:TED!
TED:WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
MARY:YOU FORGOT YOUR KEYS!
TED:OH.THANKS.
MARY:DID YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAID BACK THERE, TED?
MARY:TED.?
TED:I.I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY, MARY.
MARY:BUT I THINK I'D BE HAPPIEST.WITH YOU.
TED:YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME, RIGHT?
TED:BUT BUT WHAT ABOUT STEVE?
MARY:OH YEAH, THAT'D MAKE GOLF REAL FUN-THE GUY DOESN'T EVEN DRINK BEER OR GAMBLE.
MARY:GET OVER HERE.
TED:REALLY?
MARY:REALLY.
MARY:TED, NO, NO.!
MARY:SOMEBODY HOLD UP TRAFFIC! COME ON, TED.COME ON.TELL ME YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY.
TED:MARY.OH MARY, I LOVE YOU.
MARY:I LOVE YOU TOO, TED.I THINK I ALWAYS HAVE.
LADY:OVER HERE! I FOUND HIS FOOT! IT WAS IN THE STORM DRAIN!
MARY:ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, LET'S FAN OUT AND LOOK FOR THE PENIS!
