LLOYD:EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET TO THE MEDICAL SCHOOL? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GIVING A LECTURE IN TWENTY MINUTES AND MY DRIVER'S A BIT LOST.
YOUNG WOMAN:GO STRAIGHT AHEADS AND MAKES A LEFT OVER ZA BRIDGE.
LLOYD:I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING THE ACCENT.YOU FROM JERSEY?
YOUNG WOMAN:AUSTRIA.
LLOYD:AUSTRIA? YOU'RE KIDDING.WELL, G'DAY, MATE.WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GET TOGETHER LATER AND THROW A FEW SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE.GUESS I WON'T BE GOING DOWN UNDER TONIGHT.
DISPATCHER:CARR 22, COME IN, CAR 22.
LLOYD:THIS IS 22.
DISPATCHER:22, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, LLOYD? YOU'RE RUNNING LATE ON THE EAST SIDE PICK-UP.
LLOYD:COOL YOUR JETS, ARNIE.I'M ON MY WAY.
DISPATCHER:WELL HURRY IT UP.AND MAKE SURE YOU PARK LEGALLY.ONE MORE TICKET AND YOUR ASS IS HISTORY.
HARRY:OKAY, GANG, SINGLE FILE.YOU KNOW THE RULES:NO PUSHING, NO HUMPING, AND NO SNIFFING HEINIES.
PALMER:HEY, WHY AREN'T THOSE MUTTS ON LEASHES?
HARRY:THE SAME REASON YOU'RE NOT ON A LEASH, SIR - BECAUSE IT'S DEMEANING AND IT CHAFES LIKE HELL.
PALMER:JUST GET THEM IN HERE NOW! THEY ALL HAVE TO BE BATHED AND CLIPPED IN AN HOUR.
HARRY:YOU KIDS STAY RIGHT HERE.HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
MARY:HELLO.I'LL BE JUST A MINUTE.
LLOYD:WHY YOU GOING TO THE AIRPORT? FLYING SOMEWHERE?
MARY:HOW'D YOU GUESS?
LLOYD:WELL, I SAW YOUR LUGGAGE, THEN WHEN I NOTICED THE AIRLINE TICKET, I PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.SO WHERE YOU HEADING?
MARY:ASPEN.
LLOYD:OH, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.I HEAR CALIFORNIA'S BEAUTIFUL THIS TIME OF YEAR.NAME'S CHRISTMAS.LLOYD CHRISTMAS.
MARY:I'M MARY.
LLOYD:UH, THIS ISN'T MY REAL JOB, YOU KNOW.IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.
MARY:OH?
LLOYD:YEAH, YOU SEE, MY FRIEND HARRY AND I ARE SAVING UP OUR MONEY SO WE CAN OPEN OUR OWN PET STORE.
MARY:THAT'S NICE.
LLOYD:I GOT WORMS.
MARY:I BEG YOUR PARDON?
LLOYD:THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA CALL IT:I GOT WORMS.WE'RE GONNA SPECIALIZE IN SELLING WORM FARMS - YOU KNOW, LIKE ANT FARMS.A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE THAT WORMS MAKE MUCH BETTER PETS THAN ANTS.THEY'RE QUIET, AFFECTIONATE, THEY DON'T BITE, AND THEY'RE SUPER WITH THE KIDS.
MARY:AREN'T ANTS QUIET, TOO?
LLOYD:UH.WELL, SURE - BUT THEY AREN'T HALF AS AFFECTIONATE.AND IF YOU CUT AN ANT'S HEAD OFF, IT WON'T GROW BACK.
MARY:I SEE.
LLOYD:AND BEST OF ALL, WORM FARMING IS A SEVENTY-FIVE-THOUSAND-DOLLAR-A-YEAR INDUSTRY.I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING A PIECE OF THAT PIE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.WHAT'S THE MATTER? LITTLE TENSE ABOUT THE FLIGHT?
MARY:SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
LLOYD:IT'S REALLY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, MARY.STATISTICALLY, THEY SAY YOU'RE MORE LIKELY TO GET KILLED ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT.YOU KNOW, LIKE IN A HEAD-ON CRASH, OR SOMETHING.
MARY:UM, LLOYD, COULD PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD.
LLOYD:GOOD THINKING.THERE'S A LOT OF BAD DRIVERS OUT THERE.
MARY:HERE YOU GO.
LLOYD:KEEP IT.IT WAS MY PLEASURE.RELAX, MARY.JUST GET TRASHED AND PASS OUT.YOU'LL BE THERE BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.
MARY:THANKS LLOYD.AND GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR WORMS.
POLICE OFFICER:COME ON, MOVE IT, YOU'RE IN A RED ZONE.
ARMANI SUIT:SHE'S GONNA LEAVE THE BRIEFCASE AT THE FOOT OF THE ESCALATOR.YOU MAKE THE PICK-UP.
PLAID SPORTCOAT:PIECE OF CAKE.
LLOYD:DRIVE AROUND ME, YOU PINHEAD! DAMN! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I'LL LOSE MY JOB!
MENTAL:WHO THE HELL DO YOU FIGURE THIS GUY'S WORKING FOR?
SHAY:I DON'T KNOW, BUT WE'D BETTER FIND OUT.YOUR ULCER?
MENTAL:IT AIN'T GONNA KILL ME.
HARRY:I GOT FIRED AGAIN.
LLOYD:I DON'T MEAN TO BE HARSH, HARRY, BUT LET'S FACE IT, YOU ARE ONE PATHETIC LOSER.NO OFFENSE.
HARRY:NONE TAKEN.WERE YOU SHITCANNED, TOO?
LLOYD:OF COURSE NOT.I QUIT.
HARRY:WHY'D YOU QUIT?
LLOYD:I HAD A HUNCH ARNIE WAS GONNA FIRE ME.
HARRY:WHY DIDN'T YOU WAIT AND SEE IF YOUR SUSPICIONS WERE WELL-FOUNDED?
LLOYD:WINNERS CONTROL THEIR OWN DESTINY, HAR.
HARRY:YOU KNOW, THE THING THAT REALLY CHAPS MY ASS IS THAT I JUST SPENT MY LIFE SAVINGS TURNING MY VAN INTO A POODLE.THE ALARM ALONE COST ME TWO HUNDRED.
LLOYD:BIG DEAL.THAT CAR'S AN OLD BOMB ANYWAY.
HARRY:WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S ONLY SIX YEARS OLD.
LLOYD:THAT'S FORTY-TWO IN DOG YEARS.
HARRY:WHAT'S WITH THE BRIEFCASE?
LLOYD:IT'S A LOVE MEMENTO.
HARRY:HUH?
LLOYD:THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ALIVE.HER NAME WAS MARY.I DROVE HER TO THE AIRPORT.SPARKS FLEW, EMOTIONS RAN HIGH, BREASTS HEAVED.SHE LEFT THIS CASE IN THE TERMINAL AND FLEW TO ASPEN AND OUT OF MY LIFE.END OF STORY.
HARRY:WHAT'S IN IT?
LLOYD:DO YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO GO SNOOPING AROUND IN SOMEONE ELSE'S PRIVATE PROPERTY?
HARRY:WHY NOT?
LLOYD:IT'S LOCKED.FRIEND OR FOE?
HARRY:WE DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.CAN'T RECOGNIZE THEM.COULD BE STUDENT LOAN THUGS AGAIN, OR THE IRS, OR MAYBE SOMEBODY PISSED OFF ABOUT THAT CASE OF GIRL SCOUT COOKIES YOU BOUNCED A CHECK ON.
LLOYD:HEY, I ORDERED MYSTIC MINT.THE LITTLE SWINDLERS GAVE ME PEANUT BUTTER PRALINE.
HARRY:WELL, WHOEVER THEY ARE, THEY LOOK SERIOUS.ONE OF THEM'S EVEN WEARING PLAID.
LLOYD:THAT'S A HOSTILE PATTERN.I SAY WE BAIL AND GET DOWN TO UNEMPLOYMENT.
GRABNER:GENTLEMEN, I'M DELIGHTED TO SAY THAT NEITHER I NOR THE UNEMPLOYMENT DEPARTMENT OF THE STATE OF RHODE ISLAND CAN DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.YOU'VE RUN OUT OF CHANCES.YOU'RE UNEMPLOYABLE.REMEMBER LAST YEAR? MIDDLE OF WINTER I BUSTED MY BUTT TO GET YOU BOTH PRIME JOBS.TWELVE-FIFTY AN HOUR, AND YOU WENT AND BLEW IT!
LLOYD:BLEW IT? FOR YOUR INFORMATION, WE ONLY MISSED THREE DAYS IN TWO MONTHS.
HARRY:YEAH, AND THAT WAS BECAUSE OF A BLIZZARD
GRABNER:YOU WERE SNOW PLOW OPERATORS!
HARRY:COME ON, STAN.I'M SURE YOU CAN FIND SOMETHING ELSE FOR US.HOW ABOUT ANOTHER CRACK AT THAT SUICIDE HOTLINE?
GRABNER:OUT!
MENTAL:THE BRIEFCASE AIN'T HERE.HE MUST'VE TAKEN IT WITH HIM.
J.P.SHAY:SHIT.WELL HE'S GOTTA COME HOME SOMETIME.
MENTAL:MAYBE WE SHOULD LEAVE HIM A LITTLE MESSAGE TO LET 'EM KNOW WE'RE PLAYING HARDBALL.I TAUT I TAW A PUDDY CAT.I DID, I DID.
LLOYD:GIVE ME WHAT'S LEFT OF OUR DOUGH.I'LL GO TO THE CORNER AND BUY A FEW NECESSITIES.WHAT'S CHEAPER, THUNDERBIRD OR NIGHT TRAIN?
HARRY:GET ROBITUSSIN - IT'S A BETTER BUZZ.
LLOYD:EXCUSE ME, LITTLE OLD LADY, DO YOU HAVE CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR?
ELDERLY WOMAN:CHANGE? NO, I'M SORRY, I DON'T.
LLOYD:WELL COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND GUARD THIS WHILE I GO BREAK A DOLLAR? MY WALLET'S LOCKED IN THIS MACHINE.
ELDERLY LADY:OF COURSE, YOUNG MAN.
HARRY:WHERE'S THE BOOZE?
LLOYD:IT'S GONE.I GOT ROBBED BY GRANDMA WALTON.SHE GOT MY WALLET, TOO.COME ON, MAN, CHEER UP.WE'VE BEEN DOWN BEFORE.I'M SURE WE'LL LAND ON OUR HEADS SOMEWHERE.
HARRY:IT GETS WORSE, LLOYD.MY PARAKEET PETEY - HE'S.HE'S DEAD.
LLOYD:OH MAN, I'M SORRY, HARRY.WHAT HAPPENED?
HARRY:HIS HEAD FELL OFF.
LLOYD:HIS HEAD FELL OFF?
HARRY:YEAH, HE WAS PRETTY OLD.
LLOYD:I DON'T SUPPOSE HE HAD A WARRANTY.?
HARRY:NAH, I BOUGHT HIM USED.
LLOYD:THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS DUMP! WE DON'T HAVE FOOD, WE DON'T HAVE JOBS, OUR PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF, WE'RE SURROUNDED BY ROVING GANGS OF LARCENOUS OLD LADIES.
HARRY:OKAY, CALM DOWN.
LLOYD:NO I WON'T CALM DOWN.WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE ANYWAY, HARRY? WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS TOWN.
HARRY:YEAH, AND GO WHERE?
LLOYD:I'LL TELL YOU WHERE:SOMEPLACE WARM, A PLACE WHERE THE BEER FLOWS LIKE WINE, WHERE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN INSTINCTIVELY FLOCK LIKE THE SALMON OF CAPISTRANO.I'M TALKING ABOUT ASPEN.
HARRY:ASPEN?
LLOYD:THAT'S RIGHT, ASPEN.
HARRY:I DON'T KNOW, LLOYD, THE FRENCH ARE ASSHOLES.
LLOYD:LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING:DO YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE PETEY - DEAD IN SOME FLEA-RIDDEN APARTMENT, FACE- DOWN ON A DEAR ABBY COLUMN, WITH A SOGGY SUNFLOWER SEED PRESSED AGAINST YOUR BEAK? OR DO YOU WANT TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE? COME ON, HARRY, DON'T LET PETEY'S DEATH BE IN VAIN.DON'T YOU SEE WHAT HE WAS SAYING? SPREAD YOUR WINGS, MAN.FLY.
HARRY:WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, LLOYD? HIS HEAD FELL OFF.WAIT A SECOND, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.YOU JUST WANNA GO TO ASPEN SO YOU CAN FIND THAT GIRL WHO LOST HER BRIEFCASE - AND YOU NEED ME TO DRIVE YOU THERE.
LLOYD:THAT'S BULLSHIT.I'LL DRIVE.AND WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT GOING SOMEPLACE WHERE WE KNOW SOMEONE WHO CAN PLUG US INTO THE SOCIAL PIPELINE?
HARRY:I DON'T KNOW, LLOYD.I THINK WE SHOULD STAY HERE, HUNT FOR JOBS, AND KEEP SAVING MONEY FOR THE WORM STORE.I'M GETTING A LITTLE SICK AND TIRED OF ALWAYS RUNNING FROM CREDITORS.
LLOYD:YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SICK AND TIRED OF, HARRY? I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING TO EEK MY WAY THROUGH LIFE.I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING A NOBODY.BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING NOBODY.
HARRY:COME ON, LLOYD.GIVE US A KISS.
LLOYD:ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT, HARRY.MAYBE WE SHOULD STAY HERE AND TRY OUR LUCK IN BANKRUPTCY COURT.WITH ALL THOSE LAWSUITS AGAINST US, I'M SURE WE'LL WIN AT LEAST ONE.IT COULD BE A BOOST TO OUR EGOS.
HARRY:PETEY, I MADE A PROMISE TO YOU ONCE, MAN.AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I CAN REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS.
LLOYD & HARRY:"WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE, IF IT'S THE LAST THING WE EVER DO, WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE, GIRL, THERE'S A BETTER LIFE, FOR ME AND YOU."
LLOYD:WELL, WE'RE FINALLY DOING IT.DO YOU REALIZE THAT IN ALL THE YEARS WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE DONE THIS TOGETHER.
HARRY:BEEN RUN OUT OF TOWN?
LLOYD:TAKEN A TRIP.WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
HARRY:WHAT?
LLOYD:TAKE YOUR SEATBELT OFF.
HARRY:BECAUSE WE JUST CLEARED THE DANGER ZONE.
LLOYD:HUH?
HARRY:DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING, LLOYD? NINETY PERCENT OF ALL ACCIDENTS HAPPEN WITHIN FIVE MILES OF HOME.WE'VE ALREADY TRAVELED 6.3 MILES.
LLOYD:WELL WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE AROUND HERE? WHAT IF WE GOT INTO AN ACCIDENT WITH ONE OF THEM?
HARRY:WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE?
LLOYD:BOUGHT 'EM WHEN WE FILLED UP.
HARRY:LLOYD, I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO CONFER ON ALL EXPENDITURES.WE'RE ON A TIGHT BUDGET, REMEMBER?
LLOYD:THIS DIDN'T COME OUT OF OUR TRAVEL FUND.I WAS ABLE TO SCRAPE UP TWENTY- FIVE BUCKS BEFORE WE LEFT.YOU KNOW, SO WE COULD LIVE IN STYLE.
HARRY:WHERE'D YOU GET TWENTY-FIVE EXTRA BUCKS?
LLOYD:I SOLD SOME STUFF TO BILLY IN 4-C.
HARRY:YOU MEAN THE BLIND KID?
LLOYD:THAT'S RIGHT.
HARRY:WHAT DID YOU SELL HIM, LLOYD?
LLOYD:JUST SOME ODDS AND ENDS.
HARRY:SPECIFICALLY?
LLOYD:OH, A FEW BASEBALL CARDS, A SACK OF MARBLES, PETEY, THREE COMIC BOOKS
HARRY:WAIT A SECOND, ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU SOLD MY DEAD BIRD TO A BLIND KID?
LLOYD:WELL WHO ELSE WAS I GONNA SELL IT TO?
HARRY:BUT LLOYD, PETEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A HEAD.
LLOYD:PUT YOUR MIND AT EASE, FRIEND.I TOOK CARE OF IT.
BILLY:FLY!
MENTAL:THOSE BASTARDS.THEY'RE RUBBING IT RIGHT IN OUR FACES.
J.P.SHAY:SHIT! ANDRE WILL HAVE A GODDAMN ANEURYSM IF WE DON'T GET THAT BRIEFCASE BACK.
MENTAL:DON'T WORRY, WE'LL GET IT BACK.AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE.THEY AIN'T GONNA REACH ASPEN, EITHER.I'LL MAKE SURE OF THAT.
BILLY:COME ON, BOY, FLY! EXCUSE ME, MISTER.IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY BIRD?
MENTAL:DON'T WORRY, IRONSIDE, HE JUST FLEW SOUTH FOR THE WINTER.
HARRY:HOW FAR HAVE WE GONE?
LLOYD:ACCORDING TO THIS MAP, ABOUT AN INCH AND A HALF.
HARRY:SHIT.WE'RE GONNA NEED A SMALLER MAP OR WE'LL NEVER GET THERE.WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH GAS MONEY.
LLOYD:RELAX.WE HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH.
HARRY:I BELIEVE YOU'RE WRONG, LLOYD.
LLOYD:AND I BELIEVE I'M RIGHT, HARRY.
HARRY:I STILL SAY WRONG, LLOYD.
LLOYD:HOW MUCH YOU WANNA BET?
HARRY:I DON'T BET.
LLOYD:WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T BET?
HARRY:I MEAN I DON'T GAMBLE, YOU KNOW THAT.NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL.
LLOYD:OH, BULL.I'LL BET YOU OUR NEXT MEAL THAT I CAN GET YOU GAMBLING BEFORE THE DAY'S OUT.
HARRY:THERE'S NO WAY, LLOYD.YOU CAN'T DO IT.
LLOYD:I'LL GIVE YOU THREE-TO-ONE ODDS.THAT'S THREE FEEDBAGS IF YOU WIN, AGAINST ONLY ONE IF YOU LOSE.
HARRY:YOU'RE WASTING YOUR MONEY, LLOYD.I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I DON'T GAMBLE.
LLOYD:OKAY, FIVE-TO-ONE I CAN GET YOU GAMBLING BEFORE THE DAY'S OUT.
HARRY:SORRY, PAL, NO WAY.
LLOYD:MAKE IT TEN-TO-ONE.
HARRY:YOU GOT YOURSELF A BET, SUCKER!
LLOYD:UH, EXCUSE ME.WHAT'S THE SOUP DU JOUR?
WAITRESS:IT'S THE SOUP-OF-THE-DAY.
LLOYD:SOUNDS TASTY.I'LL HAVE A BOWL.
WAITRESS:ANYTHING ELSE BEFORE I LEAVE THE AREA?
HARRY:ACTUALLY, THIS CHOCOLATE MILK ISN'T MIXED VERY WELL.COULD YOU PLEASE BRING ME A SPOON?
WAITRESS:THERE.NOW YOU DON'T NEED ONE.
LLOYD:FEELS GOOD TO MINGLE WITH THESE LAIDBACK COUNTRY-FOLK, DON'T IT, HARRY? UH-OH.
HARRY:WHAT'S THE MATTER?
LLOYD:YOU SPILLED THE SALT.THAT'S BAD LUCK.WE'RE DRIVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND THE LAST THING WE NEED IS BAD LUCK.QUICK, TOSS A HANDFUL OF SALT OVER YOUR RIGHT SHOULDER.
HARRY:WHAT FOR?
LLOYD:BECAUSE THAT'S GOOD LUCK.
MALE VOICE:WHAT THE FUCK?!
LLOYD:OR WAS IT THE LEFT SHOULDER?
TRUCKER:WHO'S THE DEAD MAN THREW SHIT IN MY EYE?
HARRY:IT WAS A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT, SIR.BELIEVE ME, I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO OFFEND A MAN OF YOUR SIZE.PLEASE ACCEPT MY MOST SINCERE APOLOGY.
BURLY FRIEND #1:TEACH HIM A LESSON, SEA BASS!
SEA BASS:YOU GONNA EAT THAT?
HARRY:UM.THE THOUGHT HAD CROSSED MY MIND.
SEA BASS:STILL WANT IT?
HARRY:NAH, YOU GO AHEAD.PERFECT.I'M OUT EIGHT BUCKS AND I STILL HAVEN'T EATEN.
LLOYD:WELL IF YOU'D STOP PICKING FIGHTS WITH THE LOCALS.WAIT A SECOND.I THINK I JUST HAD AN IDEA.FOLLOW ME.EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN, I'D JUST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT UNPLEASANT SCENE A LITTLE EARLIER.
SEA BASS:HUH?
LLOYD:WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, MY FRIEND AND I WOULD LIKE TO BUY YOU GUYS A ROUND OF BEERS, JUST TO BURY THE HATCHET.
SEA BASS:MAKE IT FOUR BOILER-MAKERS.
LLOYD:WHATEVER YOU WANT, SIR.I'LL HAVE THE WAITRESS SEND THEM OVER.OH, AND FELLAS - HOPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN DOWN THE ROAD.
HARRY:LLOYD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU KNOW WE CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY THEM DRINKS.
LLOYD:UM, SEA BASS AND THE FELLAS OFFERED TO PICK UP OUR CHECK.THEY SAID JUST ADD THIS TO THEIR TAB.
CASHIER:SEA BASS SAID THAT?
LLOYD:WELL, IF THAT GUY AT THE TABLE OVER THERE IS SEA BASS.
CASHIER:OKEY-DOKEY, IF THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS.
HARRY:OH, AND PUT THESE ON THERE, TOO.
CASHIER:YOU GOT IT.
LLOYD:BY THE WAY, HOW FAR IS IT TO RHODE ISLAND FROM HERE?
SEA BASS:I'M GONNA KILL THOSE SONS-OF-BITCHES!
CASHIER:HURRY AND YOU'LL CATCH 'EM.THEY WAS ON THEIR WAY TO RHODE ISLAND.
LLOYD:I JUST WISH WE COULD'VE SEEN SEA BASS'S FACE WHEN HE GOT THE BILL.
HARRY:I HOPE WE NEVER HAVE TO.
LLOYD:DON'T WORRY.THAT FISH-HEAD IS PROBABLY HALF-WAY TO PROVIDENCE BY NOW.
HARRY:I HOPE SO.
LLOYD:HEY, STOP THE CAR.I GOTTA TAKE A WHIZ.
HARRY:ARE YOU CRAZY? I'M NOT STOPPING NOW.WHAT IF THEY FIGURE OUT WE WENT THE OTHER WAY.THEY'LL BE ON US IN NO TIME.
LLOYD:BUT I GOTTA GO.WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
HARRY:HOLD IT.
LLOYD:I CAN'T HOLD IT.I'M ABOUT TO EXPLODE.
HARRY:WELL.JUST TAKE A WHIZ IN AN EMPTY BEER BOTTLE.THERE'S A COUPLE ON THE FLOOR IN THE BACK SEAT.
LLOYD:ARE YOU SERIOUS?
HARRY:YES, I'M SERIOUS.I'M NOT STOPPING NOW.WE COULD GET KILLED.
LLOYD:UH-OH.
HARRY:WHAT'S THE MATTER?
LLOYD:THE BOTTLE'S ALMOST FULL AND I'M STILL GOING.
HARRY:WELL STOP GOING.
LLOYD:I CAN'T STOP ONCE I ALREADY STARTED, YOU KNOW THAT.QUICK, GET ME ANOTHER BOTTLE.JESUS, BE CAREFUL! YOU ALMOST WENT OFF THE ROAD.
HARRY:I'M SORRY, LLOYD.I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN.
LLOYD:HERE, HOLD THIS.
HARRY:WHAT ARE YOU, A GODDAMN CAMEL?
LLOYD:HEY, I HAVEN'T GONE ALL DAY.
STATE TROOPER:PULL OVER!
HARRY:HUH?
STATE TROOPER:PULL OVER!
HARRY:NO, IT'S A CARDIGAN! BUT THANKS FOR NOTICING! JESUS, WHAT IS THIS, THE FASHION POLICE?
STATE TROOPER:PULL YOUR CAR TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE.YOU KNOW, YOU FELLAS WERE ALL OVER THE ROAD BACK THERE.
HARRY:YES, SIR, WE HAD A LITTLE.DIFFICULTY IN THE CAR.
STATE TROOPER:UH-HUH.HAVE YOU BOYS BEEN DOING A LITTLE DRINKING MAYBE?
HARRY:NO, SIR.
STATE TROOPER:THEN WHAT'S THAT?
HARRY:OH, THAT'S NOTHING, SIR.
STATE TROOPER:DO YOU KNOW IT'S AGAINST THE LAW TO DRIVE WITH AN OPEN ALCOHOL CONTAINER IN THIS STATE?
LLOYD:BUT, YOUR HONOR, HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH.IT'S NOT BEER.
STATE TROOPER:IS THAT RIGHT?
HARRY:SIR, I WOULDN'T
STATE TROOPER:YOU'D KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT IF YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOOD FOR YOU.
LLOYD:YOU WOULD, TOO.
STATE TROOPER:GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
LLOYD:OOH.OH.MARY.
MARY:HOW DOES THAT FEEL, LLOYD?
LLOYD:MMMM.TINGLY.
MARY:HOW'S THE OTHER SIDE?
LLOYD:NOTHING.NOTHING AT ALL.
MARY:LLOYD, WILL YOU WASH MY NIPPLES.?
HARRY:I DON'T KNOW, LLOYD, I FEEL A LITTLE SLEAZY STAYING HERE WHEN WE'RE NOT EVEN ENGAGED.
LLOYD:HEY, IT'S THE ONLY MOTEL THAT CHARGES BY THE HOUR.WE CAN'T AFFORD ANYTHING ELSE.
LLOYD:YEP, THIS SURE IS THE LIFE.COLD BEER, A HOT TUBE, AND FUZZY PINK SHEETS.YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT COULD MAKE THIS MOMENT ANY BETTER.
HARRY:WHAT'S THAT?
LLOYD:IF YOU HAD A NICE SET OF KNOCKERS.
HARRY:THAT'S TWO THINGS, LLOYD.
LLOYD:RIGHT NOW I'D SETTLE FOR ONE.
HARRY:I DON'T KNOW, LLOYD, THESE PLACES JUST DON'T DO IT FOR ME.BRINGS BACK TOO MANY MEMORIES.
LLOYD:WHAT HAPPENED, HARRY? SOME LITTLE FILLY BREAK YOUR HEART?
HARRY:NAH, IT WAS A GIRL.FRAIDA FELCHER.WE STAYED AT A PLACE LIKE THIS ONCE - THE NO-TELL MOTEL OUT ON ROUTE 31.
LLOYD:FELCHER? YOU MEAN THE BABE WHO WORKED FOR THE TRACTOR COMPANY?
HARRY:THE SAME.WE HAD THIS INCREDIBLY ROMANTIC TIME.BOY, I THOUGHT WE'D BE TOGETHER FOREVER.THEN ABOUT A WEEK LATER, RIGHT OUT OF THE BLUE, SHE SENDS ME A JOHN DEERE LETTER.
LLOYD:THAT'S COLD, HAR.GIVE YOU ANY REASON?
HARRY:I CALLED HER UP AND SHE GAVE ME SOME CRAP ABOUT ME NOT LISTENING TO HER ENOUGH OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.I WASN'T REALLY PAYING ATTENTION.THING THAT REALLY HURTS IS I THINK SHE WAS SEEING ANOTHER GUY.NEVER DID FIND OUT WHO.
MENTAL:THE BOYS ARE HOLED-UP IN A LITTLE LOVE NEST FOR THE NIGHT.I THINK THEY'RE A COUPLE OF FUCKING WEIRDOS.
ANDRE:WHAT IN HELL ARE THOSE GUYS UP TO? IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THEY'RE FEDS?
MENTAL:UNLIKELY FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN.
ANDRE:I DON'T LIKE THIS ONE GODDAMN BIT, MENTAL.YOU AND SHAY WERE SUPPOSED TO GRAB THAT BAG SO WE COULD END THIS SHIT.NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON.
MENTAL:HOLD ON A SECOND, MR.ANDRE.SORRY, BOSS.YOU WERE SAYING.?
ANDRE:LOOK, MENTAL, JUST FIND OUT WHAT THEY'RE UP TO.I WANT TO KNOW WHO THESE GUYS ARE.
MENTAL:DON'T WORRY.I'M ON IT.
SHAY:WHAT THE FUCK.?
MENTAL:WHERE'S THE GODDAMN DOG?
MARY:IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.I LEFT THE MONEY EXACTLY WHERE THEY INSTRUCTED ME TO.
HELEN:ACTUALLY, IT MAKES A GREAT DEAL OF SENSE, MARY.WE SHOULD HAVE CALLED IN THE AUTHORITIES THE MOMENT WE KNEW MELVIN HAD BEEN KIDNAPPED.
KARL:NOW, HELEN, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY
HELEN:OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, KARL, THESE BASTARDS WILL EXTORT US INTO BANKRUPTCY IF WE LET THEM.
MARY:BUT I'D NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO MELVIN.
KARL:STOP UPSETTING MY DAUGHTER, HELEN.SHE'S BEEN THROUGH QUITE ENOUGH ALREADY.
MARY:IT'S NOT HER FAULT, DADDY.WE'RE ALL A LITTLE ON EDGE.
ANDRE:HAS THERE BEEN ANY WORD, MR.SWANSON?
KARL:NOTHING YET, NICHOLAS.
ANDRE:PERHAPS I SHOULD CALL OFF THE PRESERVATION BENEFIT THIS WEEKEND.IT WOULD BE EASY ENOUGH TO RESCHEDULE.
HELEN:NO, NICHOLAS, IT'S IMPERATIVE THAT WE CARRY ON AS USUAL.
KARL:DON'T WORRY, SWEETHEART.I'LL DO EVERYTHING THEY ASK.NOTHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO MELVIN, I PROMISE YOU.
MARY:THANK YOU, DADDY.
MENTAL:LIE DOWN ON THE FRONT SEAT.AFTER THEY PICK ME UP I WANT YOU TO FOLLOW US.
LLOYD:YOU'RE IT.
HARRY:YOU'RE IT.
LLOYD:YOU'RE IT.QUITSIES.
HARRY:ANTI-QUITSIES.YOU'RE IT.QUITSIES.NO ANTI-QUITSIES.NO STARTSIES.
LLOYD:DAMN, YOU'RE GOOD, HARRY.HEY, DIDN'T I TELL YOU THIS TRIP WOULD BE A BLAST? SEE, I TOLD YOU THESE COUNTRY FOLKS WERE FRIENDLY, HARRY.
SHAY:WHAT HAPPENED?
MENTAL:THESE FUCKERS ARE REALLY PISSING ME OFF NOW.
HARRY:REFRESH MY MEMORY ON SOMETHING, LLOYD:WHAT EXACTLY DO WE DO WHEN WE GET TO ASPEN?
LLOYD:WELL THE FIRST THING WE DO IS TAKE A GOOD DEEP BREATH OF THAT FAMOUS ASPENESE AIR.
HARRY:FRESH, HUH?
LLOYD:THE FRESHEST.THEY SAY ON ANY DAY OF THE WEEK YOU CAN SMELL A MOOSE-FART TEN MILES AWAY.
HARRY:WOW.TALK ABOUT PARADISE.AND AFTER WE'RE FINISHED BREATHING, WHAT NEXT, LLOYD?
LLOYD:THEN WE MAKE A SPLASH ON THE SOCIAL SCENE.HARRY, LOOK - THE GOLDEN ARCHES.PULL OVER, I'M STARVING.
MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE:.THAT'S TWO CHEESE BURGERS, TWO FRIES, AND TWO MEDIUM COKES.FIVE SEVENTY-TWO.
HARRY:THANKS.
MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE:HEY!
HARRY:ABOUT THIS SOCIAL SCENE - HOW DO YOU EXPECT A COUPLE MUTTS LIKE US TO MAKE A SPLASH IN THE LAND OF PEDIGREES WHEN WE DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY MONEY?
LLOYD:LOOK, ONCE WE DROP THE BRIEFCASE OFF TO MARY, SHE'LL BE SO GRATEFUL SHE'LL PLUG US RIGHT INTO THE PARTY CIRCUIT.AFTER THAT, WE DO A LITTLE OF THE SKI SCENE, HOB-NOB WITH THE ELBOW- RUBBERS, AND WALK OUT OF THERE IN THE SPRING WITH ENOUGH BUSINESS CONNECTIONS TO OPEN A FIRST-CLASS WORM OPERATION.YOU SEE, YOU DON'T GET RICH WORKING, HARRY.YOU GET RICH KNOWING THE RICH.
HARRY:WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?
LLOYD:SOME BUM DOWN AT UNEMPLOYMENT.
HARRY:I DON'T KNOW, LLOYD.
LLOYD:WHAT'S THE MATTER?
HARRY:MONEY DOES TERRIBLE THINGS TO PEOPLE.I MEAN, WE COULD LOSE OUR FRIENDSHIP.
LLOYD:YEAH? SO? HEY, WAIT A SECOND.HOLD EVERYTHING.
HARRY:WHAT?
LLOYD:AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING? BACK AT MICKEY D'S? A LITTLE MATTER YOU MIGHT'VE OVERLOOKED.?
HARRY:WHAT?
LLOYD:MY CHANGE.
HARRY:I THINK THIS GUY'S IN TROUBLE.WHY DON'T YOU PULL OVER.
MENTAL:YOU GUYS GOING AS FAR AS DES MOINES? MY CAR DIED AND I'M LATE FOR A BUSINESS MEETING.
HARRY:IT'S A FRUIT.
LLOYD:IT'S A VEGETABLE.
HARRY:I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S A FRUIT.
LLOYD:AND I HAPPEN TO KNOW IT'S A VEGETABLE.
HARRY:TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T WE LET AN IMPARTIAL JUDGE DECIDE.
LLOYD:FINE WITH ME.
HARRY:HEY, MR.MENTALINO, SETTLE OUR BET:ARE JELLY BEANS FRUITS OR VEGETABLES?
LLOYD:OKAY, HARRY, MY TURN.LET 'ER RIP.HMMM? FULL-BODIED, DELICATE BOUQUET, AGED TO PERFECTION
HARRY:I WILL RIP NO FART BEFORE IT'S TIME.COME ON, MARQUIS OF DINGLEBERRY'S RULES:YOU GOT TEN SECONDS.
LLOYD:ALL RIGHT.I'LL SAY:CHEESE DOODLES, CHILI DOG - EXTRA ONIONS, GARDEN SALAD WITH BLUE.
HARRY:AND.?
LLOYD:KIT-KAT BAR.
HARRY:YOU'RE THE BEST, MAN.OKAY, MY TURN.
LLOYD:WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS, HARRY? WE HAVE A GUEST.
HARRY:COME ON, MR.MENTALINO.LET ONE FLY.IT'S ONLY A BUCK.I'LL DO ONE IF YOU WILL.
LLOYD:OKAY, YOU GO FIRST.
HARRY:NO, YOU GO FIRST.
LLOYD:NO, YOU GO FIRST.
MENTAL:WHY DON'T YOU BOTH STOP BEING A COUPLE OF PUSSIES AND GO AT THE SAME TIME.IT AIN'T THAT HOT.
LLOYD:HMMM, NOT BAD?
HARRY:YEAH, MORE TINGLY THAN HOT.
MENTAL:HAVE SOME WATER.IT'LL HELP.AW, SHUCKS, THAT'S RIGHT.WATER JUST MAKES IT WORSE.IT'S MENTAL.I'M JUST SITTING DOWN TO A NICE MEAL WITH OUR BOYS.
ANDRE:GOOD WORK.WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT SO FAR?
MENTAL:NOTHING YET, BUT I'M GONNA SHAKE 'EM DOWN FOR INFORMATION AT LUNCH.THEN I'M GONNA KILL 'EM FOR DESSERT.
ANDRE:WELL EAT FAST, TIME'S RUNNING OUT.AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LET THEM GET ANY CLOSER.I DON'T NEED THEM HERE RUNNING AROUND ASPEN.
MENTAL:RELAX, THEY AIN'T GONNA BE RUNNING AROUND ANYWHERE AFTER I DUMP A LITTLE CYANIDE IN THEIR POPS.
HARRY:THAT REALLY WASN'T VERY POLITE OF HIM, WAS IT? MAYBE WE SHOULD LOOSEN THE SCREWS OF HIS CHAIR.
LLOYD:HARRY DUNNE, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.PERHAPS IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU BRUSHED UP ON A LITTLE TOME THAT WE GOD- FEARING ADULTS CALL THE BIBLE.IT'S CRAMMED WITH ALL KINDS OF PITHY RULES TO LIVE YOUR LIFE BY.
HARRY:YOU MEAN LIKE 'TURN THE OTHER CHEEK?'
LLOYD:NO, I MEAN LIKE 'AN EYE FOR AN EYE.' HAND ME THOSE PEPPERS - THE ATOMIC ONES.
HARRY:HERE HE COMES.
MENTAL:FEELING ANY BETTER, BOYS? SO TELL ME, WHY YOU FELLAS HEADED TO ASPEN? VACATION?
LLOYD:MORE LIKE RE-LOCATION.
MENTAL:DOESN'T LOOK LIKE YOU PACKED MUCH.ALL I SAW WAS A COUPLE BAGS.AND THAT BRIEFCASE.
HARRY:THE BRIEFCASE ISN'T EVEN OURS.SOME LADY JUST LEFT IT AT THE AIRPORT.WE'RE BRINGING IT BACK TO HER.
MENTAL:YOU MEAN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER?
LLOYD:NOT REALLY.I WAS JUST HER LIMO DRIVER.
MENTAL:TALK ABOUT BEING IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME.
HARRY:HEY, YOU OKAY, MAN? IT WAS JUST A GOOF.
MENTAL:MY ULCER.QUICK.PILLS.IN MY COAT.YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!
HARRY:I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
LLOYD:LIFE IS A FRAGILE THING, HAR.ONE MINUTE YOU'RE CHEWING ON A BURGER; THE NEXT MINUTE YOU'RE DEAD MEAT.
HARRY:BUT HE BLAMED ME.YOU HEARD HIM.THOSE WERE HIS LAST WORDS.
LLOYD:IF YOU DON'T COUNT THAT GURGLING SOUND.HEY, RELAX, MAN, I'M JUST AS RESPONSIBLE AS YOU ARE - WE BOTH SLIPPED HIM THE PEPPERS - AND LOOK AT ME, I DON'T FEEL GUILTY AT ALL.
HARRY:SMALL COMFORT COMING FROM A MAN WHO SELLS DEAD BIRDS TO BLIND KIDS.DON'T YOU GET IT, LLOYD.I'VE GOT A DEAD GUY PISSED AT ME.HIS RESTLESS SPIRIT WILL PROBABLY HAUNT ME FOR THE NEXT SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS.
LLOYD:THAT'S RIDICULOUS.YOU PROBABLY WON'T LIVE TO SEE FORTY.
HARRY:OH YEAH.WOW.WHAT A RELIEF.
DOCTOR:.MY OFFICIAL CONCLUSION IS THAT THE DECEASED EXPIRED FROM OXYGEN DEPRIVATION CAUSED BY THE PRESENCE OF CYANIDE IN THE BLOODSTREAM.
DT.DALE:YOU MEAN HE WAS POISONED?
DOCTOR:UNQUESTIONABLY.WE FOUND THESE BY THE BODY.
COP:WAITRESS SAYS HE WAS WITH A COUPLE OF YOUNGER GUYS.THEY'RE THE ONES WHO CALLED THE AMBULANCE - THEN THEY HIT THE ROAD.
DT.DALE:ANY IDEA WHERE THEY WERE GOING?
COP:A WITNESS AT THE NEXT TABLE THOUGHT HE HEARD THEM SAY THEY WERE DRIVING TO FRANCE.WE GOT A REPORT THEY WERE SEEN HEADING WEST ON I-80 TOWARD COLORADO.
DT.DALE:GET A MAKE ON THE VEHICLE?
COP:YES, SIR.THEY WERE DRIVING AN '84 POODLE.
DT.DALE:AN '84 WHAT?
COP:WELL IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A WIRE-HAIRED TERRIER, DETECTIVE.THEY'RE VERY SIMILAR IN APPEARANCE.
HARRY:LET'S GET OFF AND CRASH AT A MOTEL BEFORE I CRASH INTO ONE.I NEED A CRIB FAST.
LLOYD:SORRY, HAR.WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO HOLD OUT.SEEMS WE MISJUDGED OUR EXPENSE ALLOCATION.IF WE PAY FOR A MOTEL WE WON'T HAVE ENOUGH FOR GAS.
HARRY:WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DOUGH?
LLOYD:WE OVER-LEVERAGED.
HARRY:ON WHAT?
LLOYD:I SPRUNG FOR MR.CHILI PEPPER'S LAST MEAL.FELT IT WAS THE LEAST WE COULD DO AFTER WE DEEP-SIXED HIM.
HARRY:WAIT A SECOND - ONE BURGER PUT US OVER BUDGET?
LLOYD:THE SLOB ORDERED A DOUBLE-BACON DELUXE AND A CHOCOLATE MALT.
HARRY:OH.SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
LLOYD:DRIVE.WE'VE ONLY GOT TEN MORE HOURS.WE CAN TAKE TURNS.
SHAY:YOU HEARD ME, HE'S DEAD.THE BASTARDS KILLED HIM.
ANDRE:JESUS CHRIST.ALL RIGHT, I WANT YOU BACK HERE NOW.IF THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY I'M GOING TO NEED YOU.
SHAY:HOW'S OUR BANKROLL DOING? GIVING YOU A HARD TIME?
ANDRE:MELVIN'S NOT THE PROBLEM.IT'S THESE TWO OTHER GUYS THAT HAVE ME WORRIED.I WISH I KNEW WHAT THE HELL THEY WANTED.HOW YOU DOING TODAY, MELVIN?
HARRY:COME ON, WAKE UP.YOU PAY, I'LL PUMP.SKIS, HUH?
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:THAT'S RIGHT.
HARRY:GREAT.THEY YOURS?
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:UH-HUH.
HARRY:BOTH OF 'EM?
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:UM, YEAH.
HARRY:COOL.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:EXCUSE ME, YOU'RE SPRAYING EVERYWHERE.
SEA BASS:WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT AIN'T MY OLD FRIEND.AND RIGHT ON TIME.
HARRY:THAT'S A LOT OF LUGGAGE FOR A LITTLE VACATION.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:ACTUALLY, I'M MOVING TO ASPEN.I'VE GOT TO GET AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND.HE'S SUCH A KLUTZ.MY ASTROLOGER TOLD ME I SHOULD AVOID ACCIDENT-PRONE GUYS.
HARRY:HERE, THIS IS A LITTLE LOOSE.ALLOW ME.LOOK, UM, MAYBE WHEN I GET TO ASPEN WE CAN MEET UP.YOU KNOW, FOR HOT CHOCOLATE OR SOMETHING.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:WHY NOT? YOU SEEM PRETTY HARMLESS.I'LL GIVE YOU MY NUMBER.JUST LET ME FIND A PEN.I KNOW I HAVE ONE HERE SOMEWHERE.
HARRY:LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL IT TO ME, I'VE GOT A GOOD MEMORY.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:ARE YOU SURE YOU WON'T FORGET?
HARRY:POSITIVE - PLEASE HURRY.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:IS SOMETHING WRONG? OKAY, MY NUMBER IS 652-2553.OH, WAIT A SECOND, THAT'S MY OLD NUMBER.IT'S SO FUNNY HOW YOUR MIND
HARRY:FOR GOD SAKES, GIVE ME THE DAMN NUMBER!
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:LOOK, MAN, IF YOU'RE GONNA GET PUSHY YOU CAN JUST FORGET IT!
SEA BASS:FIRST I'M GONNA RAPE YOU, THEN I'M GONNA KILL YOU.ANY LAST REQUEST?
LLOYD:UM, YEAH - COULD YOU DO IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
HARRY:YOU'VE GOT SOME SERIOUS EXPLAINING TO DO, YOUNG MAN.
LLOYD:LOOK, HARRY, I TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPENED, NOW DROP IT.
HARRY:SURE THING, LLOYD.I PROMISE NOT TO MENTION ANOTHER WORD ABOUT YOU BEING IN A BATHROOM STALL WITH A SIX-FOOT, FIVE-INCH TRUCKER WITH HIS PANTS DOWN.
LLOYD:THAT'S A LOW BLOW, MAN.
HARRY:NOT AT THAT HEIGHT IT'S NOT.
LLOYD:LISTEN, BUD, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO IMPLY THAT I'M
HARRY:HOLD THAT THOUGHT - LOOK, WE'RE ALMOST IN COLORADO.I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME WE PULL OVER AND CHANGE SEATS.I'VE BEEN DRIVING FOR NINE STRAIGHT HOURS - I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO START A NEW STATE.
DT.DALE:ANY SIGN OF THEM YET?
COP:NO, BUT WE'RE EXPECTING THEM SHORTLY.
LLOYD:HEY, I PICKED YOU UP A BEEF JERKY.BOY, SOME GUYS JUST WEREN'T CUT OUT FOR LIFE ON THE ROAD.HEY, MR.SLEEPY HEAD, WELCOME BACK.
HARRY:HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN OUT?
LLOYD:I'D SAY A GOOD FIVE HOURS, ANYWAY.
HARRY:GREAT.WE MUST BE GETTING REAL CLOSE, HUH?
LLOYD:SHOULD BE.I'VE BEEN AVERAGING ABOUT NINETY MILES AN HOUR ALL NIGHT.
HARRY:GOOD MAN.
LLOYD:BOY, I'LL TELL YOU, THIS IS ONE DANGEROUS HIGHWAY.YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ALL THE ROAD PIZZA - TWO DEAD DOGS, A COUPLE OF RABBITS, A SNAKE AND SOME BIG THING I COULDN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE.
HARRY:THAT'S AWFUL.DID YOU SEE THEM GET HIT OR WERE THEY ALREADY LYING THERE?
LLOYD:I HIT 'EM.
HARRY:FUNNY.I EXPECTED THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS TO BE A LITTLE ROCKIER THAN THIS.
LLOYD:I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING.THAT JOHN DENVER'S SOME FULL OF SHIT, HUH? I MUST SAY, DES MOINES SURE IS A PRETTY LITTLE TOWN.
HARRY:YEAH, IT REALLY IS.WAIT A MINUTE - WHEN DID YOU VISIT DES MOINES?
LLOYD:LAST NIGHT.WE DROVE THROUGH IT.
HARRY:WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU WERE SNORING LIKE A BABY WHEN WE WENT THROUGH DES MOINES.
LLOYD:HELLO? HELLO? ANYBODY HOME? RISE AND SHINE.YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS ASLEEP, NUMBSKULL.HERE, TAKE A SIP OF COFFEE.YOU'RE DELIRIOUS.
HARRY:UH, LLOYD, REFRESH MY MEMORY:DOESN'T THE SUN RISE IN THE EAST AND SET IN THE WEST?
LLOYD:IN OUR COUNTRY IT DOES, YES.
HARRY:THEN PERCHANCE YOU CAN EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THE SUN IS IN OUR FACE AT 7:30 IN THE MORNING WHEN WE'RE HEADING WEST.
LLOYD:I'M ONLY HUMAN, HARRY.ANYBODY CAN MAKE A MISTAKE.COME ON, MAN, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
HARRY:YOU KNOW, I GOT HALF A MIND TO JUST JUMP ON THE BUS TO EUROPE AND SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR UGLY MUG FOREVER.
LLOYD:YOU CAN'T TAKE A BUS TO EUROPE, DODO.
HARRY:OH YEAH? WHY NOT?
LLOYD:YOU DON'T HAVE A PASSPORT.COME ON, STOP BEING A BABY ABOUT THIS.OKAY, SO WE BACK-TRACKED A TAD.
HARRY:A TAD? LLOYD, YOU DROVE ALMOST A SIXTH OF THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.NOW WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GET TO ASPEN, WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GET HOME, WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT, WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO SLEEP!
LLOYD:WELL IT DOESN'T DO ANY GOOD HAVING YOU SITTING THERE ON YOUR BUTT WHINING ABOUT IT.IF WE'RE GONNA GET OUT OF THIS HOLE, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DIG OURSELVES OUT.
HARRY:YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, LLOYD.
LLOYD:WHERE YOU GOING?
HARRY:HOME.I'M WALKING HOME.
LLOYD:YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
HARRY:WHY NOT? WE'RE PROBABLY ONLY FIVE MILES AWAY.
LLOYD:THANKS A LOT, MR.PERFECT.LIKE YOU NEVER SCREWED UP.
HARRY:LOOK, MAN.I'M SORRY.I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE.YOU'VE GOT A GOOD REASON TO GO ? A BEAUTIFUL GIRL'S WAITING FOR YOU.BUT LET'S FACE IT, LLOYD, THERE'S NOTHING WAITING FOR ME IN ASPEN.THERE'S NOTHING WAITING FOR ME ANYWHERE.
LLOYD:GOT ROOM FOR ONE MORE, IF YOU STILL WANT TO GO TO ASPEN.
HARRY:WHERE'D YOU FIND THIS BABY?
LLOYD:USED CAR DEALER.I TRADED THE VAN FOR IT.PLUS I GOT THE GUY TO THROW IN FIFTY BUCKS FOR GAS MONEY.COME ON, MAN, WHAT DO YOU SAY? WE STILL PARTNERS?
DT.DALE:IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.THEY SHOULD'VE BEEN HERE HOURS AGO.
COP:MAYBE THEY'RE SMARTER THAN WE THOUGHT.
DT.DALE:HOW SMART CAN THEY BE? THEY'RE DRIVING A GODDAMN DOG!
COP #2:WE JUST GOT A REPORT THAT THEY WERE SPOTTED ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO HEADING EAST NEAR DES MOINES ON I-80.
DT.DALE:DES MOINES?! WHY THAT'S FIVE HUNDRED MILES FROM HERE!
COP #1:GUESS THEY GOT WIND OF OUR WELCOMING PARTY.
DT.DALE:WE'RE WASTING TIME.LET'S MOBILIZE.
LLOYD:TELL ME SOMETHING, HARRY.WOULD YOU REALLY HAVE KEPT GOING HOME IF I HADN'T COME BACK TO GET YOU?
HARRY:WELL LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY, LLOYD:DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE CUB SCOUTS AND WE GOT LOST IN THE WOODS DURING THAT BLIZZARD? WE HUDDLED TOGETHER ALL NIGHT, AND WE MADE AN OATH THAT IF WE EVER GOT OUT OF THERE ALIVE WE'D NEVER EVER LEAVE EACH OTHER'S SIDE AGAIN.DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
LLOYD:WE WERE NEVER CUB SCOUTS.
HARRY:EXACTLY.WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? THERE'S A COFFIN IN THE BACK!
LLOYD:RELAX, IT'S EMPTY.
HARRY:I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.I'M NOT DRIVING ANYWHERE WITH A CASKET.YOU KNOW I'M SUPERSTITIOUS
LLOYD:OKAY, CALM DOWN.WE'LL DUMP IT OFF FIRST CHANCE WE GET.
WOMAN:I MARRIED A CHEAPSKATE.
MAN:SHUT YOUR TRAP, GERDIE.
WOMAN:I'M SO EMBARRASSED.I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW MY FACE AGAIN.
MAN:I KNEW SOMETHING GOOD WOULD COME OUT OF THIS.
WOMAN:WE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A MORE DIGNIFIED BURIAL.
MAN:YOUR UNCLE WAS A CHEAP MAN.REMEMBER WHAT HE GOT US FOR OUR TWENTY-FIFTH? A FRIGGIN' FERN.THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA SPEND A LOAD TO GET HIM PLANTED.
WOMAN:YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH! I WANT A DIVORCE!
LLOYD:ISN'T THIS WONDERFUL? WHAT MORE COULD A COUPLE OF SINGLE GUYS LIKE US ASK FOR?
HARRY:HOW ABOUT FOOD AND SHELTER?
LLOYD:YOU'RE SO MATERIALISTIC.WHY DON'T WE GET DOWN TO BUSINESS AND DELIVER THE BRIEFCASE TO MARY.WHO KNOWS, MAYBE SHE'LL INVITE US IN FOR TEA AND A STRUMPET OR TWO?
HARRY:JOLLY GOOD IDEA, CHAP.AND WHERE DOES THE LOVELY YOUNG LADY RESIDE?
LLOYD:UM.GOOD QUESTION.
HARRY:WELL WHAT'S HER LAST NAME? WE'LL LOOK IT UP IN THE PHONE BOOK.
LLOYD:HMMMM.YOU KNOW, I DON'T BELIEVE I CAUGHT THAT EITHER.
HARRY:WHAT ABOUT THE BRIEFCASE, LLOYD? THERE MUST'VE BEEN A NAME ON IT, RIGHT?
LLOYD:COME TO THINK OF IT, THERE IS.IT'S ENGRAVED RIGHT INTO THE LEATHER.
HARRY:WHAT IS IT?
LLOYD:SAMSONITE - SPELLED JUST LIKE IT SOUNDS.
HARRY:ANY SOUP LEFT?
LLOYD:A LITTLE.SHALL WE SHARE IT?
HARRY:PLEASE.
LLOYD:MMMM MMMM GOOD.
HARRY:HEY, YOU GOT SOMETHING STUCK IN YOUR FRONT TEETH.
LLOYD:HMMM.LOOKS LIKE AN OLD PIECE OF BEEF JERKY.
HARRY:WANNA SPLIT IT?
LLOYD:YOU'RE PATHETIC.GET YOUR OWN.
HARRY:I'M FREEZING MY ASS OFF, LLOYD.
LLOYD:ROLL UP YOUR WINDOW.
HARRY:IT IS ROLLED UP.
LLOYD:THEN I GUESS THE DAMN ANTI-COLD SYSTEM ISN'T WORKING.YOU REALLY SHOULD GET IT FIXED IF WE'RE GONNA LIVE HERE ALL WINTER.
HARRY:WHAT ANTI-COLD SYSTEM?
LLOYD:RIGHT HERE - THE A/C BUTTON.I PUT IT ON FULL BLAST ABOUT AN HOUR AGO AND, IF ANYTHING, THE CAR'S GETTING COLDER.WHAT ARE YOU GOING OUT THERE FOR?
HARRY:TO WARM UP.
LLOYD:WHAT ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT NOW?
HARRY:I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW YOU'RE GONNA SURVIVE THE PUMMELING I'M ABOUT TO GIVE YOU.
LLOYD:HUH? HARRY, CALM DOWN! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A WILD ANIMAL!
HARRY:GET OVER HERE AND TAKE YOUR MEDICINE, LLOYD!
LLOYD:SORRY, DOC, I CAN'T TAKE MEDICINE.I'M A CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HARRY:SOMETHING I SHOULD'VE DONE A LONG TIME AGO.THIS STUPID THING HAS BEEN THE ROOT OF OUR PROBLEMS ALL ALONG.
LLOYD:DON'T DO ANYTHING FOOLISH, HARRY.
HARRY:FOOLISH? THIS IS THE MOST SENSIBLE THING I'VE DONE IN YEARS.I'M GONNA TOSS THIS GODDAMN CURSE RIGHT INTO THAT RIVER.
LLOYD:YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE, HARRY! I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! HARRY, HOLD UP! THINGS ARE GONNA GET BETTER, I PROMISE! IN FACT, I THINK I FEEL ANOTHER PIECE OF BEEF JERKY IN MY LEFT MOLAR! IT'S YOURS, HARRY, ALL YOURS!
HARRY:YOU'RE BLUFFING.
LLOYD:NO I'M NOT, MAN - LOOK.
HARRY:THAT'S A FILLING, YOU LIAR! I USED TO HAVE A LIFE! A MISERABLE ONE, BUT A LIFE, NONETHELESS!
LLOYD:HARRY, LOOK! OKAY, HERE'S THE PLAN:WE BORROW A FEW BUCKS - JUST A SMALL LOAN - FROM THE BRIEFCASE, AND WE CHECK INTO A CHEAP MOTEL.
HARRY:SOUNDS GOOD.
LLOYD:AND WE'LL KEEP TRACK OF THE MONEY WE SPEND WITH IOUS.
HARRY:WE'LL BE METICULOUS - RIGHT DOWN TO THE LAST PENNY.
LLOYD:THAT WAY, WHATEVER WE BORROW WE CAN PAY BACK.
HARRY:ABSOLUTELY.WE'RE GOOD FOR IT.
LLOYD:YOU KNOW, AS SOON AS WE GET JOBS.
HARRY:IT'LL COME RIGHT OUT OF OUR FIRST PAYCHECK.
BARNARD:.THIS IS THE HOTEL DANBURY'S PRESIDENTIAL SUITE, GENTLEMEN.IT'S NORMALLY RESERVED FOR ROYALTY, VISITING DIGNITARIES, AND ILLUSTRIOUS STARS OF STAGE AND
LLOYD:WE'LL TAKE IT.
BARNARD:VERY GOOD, SIR.ARE THERE ANY BAGS YOU'D LIKE SENT UP?
LLOYD:THANKS, BARNARD, BUT WE'LL FIND OUR OWN CHICKS.
BARNARD:I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT LADIES.
HARRY:OH.THEN GO AHEAD AND SEND THEM UP.WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
BARNARD:SIR, I MEANT YOUR LUGGAGE.
LLOYD:TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN SEND UP, MY FRIEND - HOW ABOUT SOME CHOW?
BARNARD:I'LL BRING YOU A MENU.
LLOYD:DON'T BOTHER.JUST ORDER US ONE OF EVERYTHING.
HARRY:ONE OF EVERYTHING? LLOYD.
LLOYD:OH, SORRY.MAKE THAT TWO OF EVERYTHING.AND HERE YOU GO, BARNEY.YOU KEEP US HAPPY, WE'LL KEEP YOU HAPPY.
BARNARD:YES, SIR!
LLOYD:OUR FIRST IOU.SIGNED AND DATED.
HELEN:MARY? YOU AWAKE?
MARY:COME IN.
HELEN:I BROUGHT YOU SOME TEA.I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP YOU RELAX.
MARY:THANK YOU.YECH! WHAT'S IN THIS, WHISKEY?
HELEN:UH, SORRY.THAT ONE'S MINE.FEELING ANY BETTER, HONEY?
MARY:JUST KNOWING THAT MELVIN'S OUT THERE, BEING HELD BY GOD KNOWS WHO.IT'S ALL MY FAULT.I SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE.
HELEN:BULLSHIT.YOU CAN'T BLAME YOURSELF FOR THIS.IF YOU'D BEEN THERE THEY WOULD'VE TAKEN YOU, TOO.
MARY:MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST PAY THEM THE MONEY AGAIN AND GET THIS THING OVER WITH.
HELEN:NOW MARY, EVERYTHING THAT CAN BE DONE IS BEING DONE.YOU'VE GOT TO STOP TORTURING YOURSELF.
MARY:WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? GO ABOUT MY LIFE AS IF EVERYTHING WERE FINE?
HELEN:THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.GET THE HELL OUT MORE, GO SKIING, SOCIALIZE.DON'T YOU SEE, HONEY? WE CAN'T LET ON THAT ANYTHING IS WRONG.IF THE PRESS OR AUTHORITIES GET WIND OF THIS, THE KIDNAPPERS MIGHT PANIC.WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'D DO TO POOR MELVIN THEN?
HARRY:OH GOD, IT'S REALLY TRUE.LAST NIGHT I THOUGHT I MIGHT'VE BEEN DREAMING.
LLOYD:IT'S NO DREAM, HAR.WE FINALLY CRACKED THE BIG TIME.
HARRY:AND IT WAS SO SIMPLE.ALL IT TOOK WAS SOMEBODY ELSE'S MONEY.YOU KNOW, LLOYD, I THINK YOU MIGHT'VE GONE A LITTLE OVERBOARD WITH THE SPENDING TODAY.
LLOYD:WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? WE'RE GONNA PAY IT ALL BACK ANYWAY, RIGHT?
HARRY:SURE, BUT DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU NEEDED TO BUY THOSE TWO SURFBOARDS?
LLOYD:SURFBOARDS? I THOUGHT THOSE WERE BEGINNER'S SKIS.
HARRY:AHHH.I WAS WONDERING WHY YOU HAD THOSE BINDINGS PUT ON THEM.
LLOYD:WHERE'D THIS COME FROM?
HARRY:I BOUGHT IT.
LLOYD:WHAT FOR?
HARRY:I LIKE THE FEEL OF IT AGAINST MY SKIN? I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WHEN A WOMAN'S WEARING IT.
LLOYD:HARRY, HOW MANY WOMEN DO YOU KNOW WHO WEAR A SIZE XXL?
HARRY:LOOK, LEAVE ME ALONE.I'M RICH NOW.I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE A FEW ECCENTRICITIES.
LLOYD:ENTER, PARLEZ VOUS!
BARNARD:I BROUGHT YOU YOUR NEWSPAPER AND SOME CHAMPAGNE, GENTLEMEN.UNFORTUNATELY, WE DIDN'T SEEM TO HAVE THE, UM, LABEL YOU REQUESTED.
LLOYD:ALL OUT OF BOONE'S FARM, HUH?
BARNARD:YOU HAVE A RAPIER WIT, SIR.I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF BRINGING A COMPARABLE SUBSTITUTE:DOM PERIGNON.
LLOYD:GUESS IT'LL HAVE TO DO, SLUGGER, EH?
BARNARD:THANK YOU SO MUCH, SIR.
LLOYD:OH, ONE MORE THING:YOU CAN DISPENSE WITH THE 'SIR' CRAP.LET'S FACE IT, BARNEY, WE'RE ALL FROM THE SAME MOLD.WE JUST HAVE A LITTLE MORE DOUGH THAN YOU RIGHT NOW.
HARRY:COCKTAIL HOUR HAS COMMENCED! HEY, LATER ON WHAT DO YOU SAY WE.? LLOYD.YOU OKAY?
LLOYD:HARRY, IT'S HER.
HARRY:WHO?
LLOYD:MARY WITH THE BRIEFCASE.THIS IS HER.MARY SWANSON?
HARRY:COME ON, CINDERELLA, IT'S TIME TO GET YOU READY FOR THE BALL.
LLOYD:THANKS FOR THE LIFT, BARNEY.
ANDRE:EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN, BUT THIS IS A FIVE-HUNDRED-DOLLAR-A-PLATE DINNER.
LLOYD:THIS SHOULD COVER A COUPLE PLATES.
HARRY:I'M KIND OF HUNGRY, LLOYD.WHAT IF WE WANT SECONDS?
LLOYD:PUT US DOWN FOR FOUR PLATES, MY GOOD MAN.
J.P.SHAY:JESUS CHRIST, BOSS.IT'S THEM.
LLOYD:I'M GETTING NERVOUS, HARRY.
HARRY:RELAX, LLOYD.THESE PEOPLE ARE JUST LIKE YOU AND ME.
LLOYD:WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THEY'RE EDUCATED, WELL-BRED, CHARMING, AND SOPHISTICATED.
HARRY:SO WHAT? WE CAN BE SOPHISTICA - HOLY SHIT, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE FUN BAGS ON THAT HOSE HOUND.
LLOYD:DON'T DO THIS TO ME, HARRY.I'M ALREADY A WRECK.WHAT IF MARY DOESN'T LIKE ME?
HARRY:LOOK, LET'S JUST GO SADDLE UP TO THE BAR AND DOWN A COUPLE BOWLS OF LOUDMOUTH SOUP.A LITTLE BOOZE'LL BRING BACK THAT OLD LLOYD CHRISTMAS OVER-CONFIDENCE.
LLOYD:TWO MARTINIS, STRAIGHT UP.SHUT UP, HARRY.
HARRY:I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
LLOYD:YEAH, WELL I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE GONNA SAY AND I'M TELLING YOU TO SHUT UP IN ADVANCE.
HARRY:HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY?
LLOYD:I READ YOU LIKE A BOOK.
HARRY:OKAY, IF YOU READ ME LIKE A BOOK THEN WHAT WAS I GONNA SAY?
LLOYD:YOU WERE GONNA SAY:'THAT'S ONE FIERY BUSH I WOULDN'T MIND ROASTING MY WEENIE IN.' AND I WOULD SAY 'SHUT UP', BECAUSE THIS IS OUR CHANCE TO GET IN WITH THE RICH AND POWERFUL AND YOU DON'T INGRATIATE YOURSELF TO THE KIND OF PEOPLE BY ACTING LIKE RON JEREMY ON SPANISH FLY.
ANDRE:IF I COULD HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TO THIS VERY SPECIAL EVENT.AS YOU KNOW, THE ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY - FOUNDED AND CHIEFLY FUNDED BY OUR GREAT BENEFACTORS, KARL AND HELEN SWANSON - IS THE WORLD'S FOREMOST DEFENDER OF ENDANGERED SPECIES.OUR SPRAWLING GROUNDS ARE HOME TO TWENTY- THREE SEPARATE VARIETIES OF ANIMALS THAT ARE CURRENTLY LISTED ON THE UNITED NATION'S CHARTER OF PROTECTED SPECIES.TONIGHT, WE ARE DEEPLY HONORED TO HAVE MR.KARL SWANSON WELCOME OUR TWENTY-FOURTH.
MR.SWANSON:LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU THE ICELANDIC SNOW OWL.THESE MAGNIFICENT SPECIMENS WERE RESCUED RECENTLY, CULMINATING A FIVE- YEAR, TWO-MILLION-DOLLAR EFFORT ON OUR PART.TOGETHER, THEY CONSTITUTE ONE-SEVENTH OF THE SNOW OWL POPULATION LEFT ON THE PLANET.HERE THESE LOVELY BIRDS WILL BE ALLOWED TO BREED IN A NATURAL BUT PROTECTED HABITAT.AND, GOD WILLING, WITH YOUR HELP AND THAT OF THE SOCIETY'S, WE WILL SEE THESE WONDERFUL CREATURES FLOURISH ONCE MORE.AGAIN, THANK YOU, AND ENJOY YOUR EVENING.OH, AND FEEL FREE TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT OUR NEW FRIENDS HERE.ENJOY.
LLOYD:TWO MORE, PLEASE.
HARRY:LLOYD, I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU THIS UPTIGHT.YOU'VE GOTTA CHILL OUT.
LLOYD:I CAN'T HELP IT.THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT NIGHT FOR ME.HARRY, HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY YOU AND I NEVER HAVE LONG-TERM GIRLFRIENDS?
HARRY:WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I WENT OUT WITH FRAIDA FELCHER FOR TWO AND A HALF WEEKS.
LLOYD:THAT WAS A FLUKE.THE REASON WE NEVER HAVE LONG-TERM GIRLFRIENDS IS BECAUSE OF ONE THING:WE'RE AFRAID OF THE C WORD.
HARRY:THAT'S CRAZY.WE LIVE FOR THE C WORD.
LLOYD:I'M TALKING BOUT COMMITMENT.
HARRY:OH.
LLOYD:WELL I'M READY FOR COMMITMENT, HARRY.THE FIRST TIME I LAID EYES ON MARY SWANSON, I KNEW SHE WAS THE ONE.SOME THINGS YOU FEEL IN YOUR HEART, OTHER THINGS YOU FEEL IN YOUR GROIN.THIS GIRL MAKES ME FEEL IT ALL IN THE HEART.OH SHIT, THERE SHE IS.
HARRY:WOW.YOU WEREN'T KIDDING, LLOYD.SHE'S AN ANGEL.WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET OVER THERE AND TALK TO HER.
LLOYD:SHE'S GONNA THINK I'M SOME KIND OF PSYCHO WHEN SHE REALIZES HOW FAR I CAME JUST TO SEE HER.
HARRY:YOU HAVE HER BRIEFCASE - SHE'S GONNA BE THRILLED TO SEE YOU.
LLOYD:AND THEN WHAT? SHE'LL TAKE IT BACK AND THAT'LL BE IT.I'M A NOBODY.
HARRY:LOOK, MAN, YOU JUST DROVE TWO THOUSAND MILES TO SEE THIS GIRL.DON'T QUIT ON THE LAST FIFTY FEET.
LLOYD:WAIT A SECOND, I HAVE AN IDEA.YOU GO OVER AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF.THAT WAY YOU CAN BUILD ME UP SO WHEN I COME ALONG I WON'T HAVE TO BRAG ABOUT MYSELF.TELL HER I'M GOOD-LOOKING AND I'M RICH AND I HAVE A RAPIST'S WIT.
HARRY:I CAN'T TELL HER YOU'RE GOOD LOOKING, LLOYD - SHE'S GOT EYES.
LLOYD:PLEASE HARRY, I'M APPEALING TO YOU AS ONE LOSER TO ANOTHER.JUST BUILD ME UP AND THEN GIVE ME A SIGNAL TO COME OVER.PLEASE.
HARRY:ALL RIGHT.BUT YOU'RE GONNA OWE ME A BIG ONE FOR THIS.NICE SET OF HOOTERS YOU GOT THERE.
MARY:I BEG YOUR PARDON?
HARRY:THE OWLS.THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
MARY:OH.YEAH.ARE YOU A BIRD LOVER?
HARRY:WELL, I USED TO HAVE A PARAKEET, BUT MY MAIN AREA OF EXPERTISE IS CANINES - THAT'S DOGS TO THE LAYPERSON.
MARY:THANKS.I LOVE DOGS, TOO.SO HOW ARE YOU INVOLVED WITH THEM?
HARRY:OH, I'VE TRAINED THEM, BATHED THEM, CLIPPED THEM; I'VE EVEN BRED THEM.
MARY:REALLY? ANY UNUSUAL BREEDING?
HARRY:NAH, MOSTLY JUST DOGGIE-STYLE.BUT ONE TIME WE SUCCESSFULLY MATED A BULLDOG AND A SHITZU.
MARY:REALLY? THAT'S WEIRD.
HARRY:YEAH.WE CALLED IT A BULLSHIT.JUST A LITTLE BREEDER JOKE.ANYWAY, THE REAL REASON I CAME OVER IS BECAUSE I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A FRIEND OF MINE.
HELEN:MARY, I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE MET YOUR FRIEND.
MARY:ACTUALLY, WE HAVEN'T BEEN INTRODUCED YET.I'M MARY SWANSON, AND THIS IS MY STEPMOTHER, HELEN.
HARRY:HARRY DUNNE.PLEASURE MEETING YOU BOTH.
HELEN:I SAW YOU COME IN EARLIER, MR.DUNNE.I WAS HOPING WE'D GET A CHANCE TO MEET.
HARRY:YOU WERE?
HELEN:THAT TUXEDO - I LOVE A MAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.SO DOES MARY.
HARRY:REALLY? ANYWAY, ABOUT MY FRIEND
HELEN:ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING TOMORROW, MR.DUNNE? BECAUSE I BELIEVE MARY'S LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO HIT THE SLOPES WITH.
HARRY:WHUH?
MARY:HELEN, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
HELEN:WELL YOU ARE, AREN'T YOU? POOR GIRL DOESN'T GET OUT ENOUGH.SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, HARRY? ARE YOU AVAILABLE?
HARRY:OH, I DON'T KNOW.YOU SEE, MY FRIEND
HELEN:FORGET YOUR FRIENDS FOR ONE DAY.YOU AND MARY WILL HAVE A BALL.
HARRY:UM? WELL.I DON'T KNOW.YOU SEE, THE THING IS.SURE.
LLOYD:HOW COME YOU DIDN'T CALL ME OVER?
HARRY:RELAX, YOU'RE GOLDEN.I GOT YOU A DATE WITH HER TOMORROW.
LLOYD:WHA.YOU.I.IT'S.I LOVE YOU, MAN.I LOVE YOU!
HARRY:OKAY, GET A GRIP, LLOYD.YOU'RE MAKING A SCENE.
LLOYD:THIS CALLS FOR A TOAST! YOU'RE GONNA BE MY BEST MAN, HAR, I MEAN IT.IT WAS ALWAYS BETWEEN YOU AND MY FUTURE WIFE'S BROTHER, BUT YOU JUST EARNED A SEAT AT THE HEAD TABLE, PAL.
HARRY:I THINK WE'VE DONE ENOUGH HOBNOBBING, LLOYD.
J.P.SHAY:MAYBE IT WAS JUST A COINCIDENCE.
ANDRE:DON'T BE STUPID.IT'S A MESSAGE, PLAIN AND SIMPLE:WE KILLED THEIR BIRD, NOW THEY KILLED OURS.
J.P.SHAY:BUT HOW COULD ANYBODY OFF A BIRD WITH A CORK?
ANDRE:THESE GUYS AREN'T JUST ANYBODY.THEY'RE GOOD.LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MENTAL.HE WAS THE BEST, AND YET HE FELL RIGHT INTO THEIR WEB.
J.P.SHAY:BUT THE BASTARDS ALREADY GOT OUR MONEY.WHAT THE HELL MORE COULD THEY WANT?
ANDRE:I DON'T KNOW, GOD DAMN IT!
LLOYD:MRS.CHRISTMAS.MARY CHRISTMAS.MRS.MARY CHRISTMAS.YOU KNOW, IT HAS KIND OF A RING TO IT, DOESN'T IT, HAR?
HARRY:SOUNDS NICE, LLOYD, BUT DON'T YOU THINK YOU MAY BE JUMPING THE GUN A LITTLE? I MEAN, WHO KNOWS, WHEN YOU GET TO KNOW HER, YOU MAY FIND OUT SHE'S NOT YOUR TYPE.
LLOYD:IMPOSSIBLE.I KNOW MY TYPE WHEN I SEE IT.NOW LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, SHE WANTS ME TO MEET HER AT THE AVALANCHE BAR AND GRILL ON MAIN STREET?
HARRY:THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.TEN O'CLOCK SHARP.
LLOYD:TIME OUT.WHERE ARE GOING DRESSED LIKE THAT.
HARRY:I, UH, THOUGHT WHILE YOU WERE MAKING YOUR LOVE CONNECTION I'D TRY MY LUCK ON THE SLOPES.
LLOYD:YOU MEAN YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT IN PUBLIC DRESSED IN TIGHTS?
HARRY:THESE AREN'T TIGHTS.THEY'RE FASHIONABLE EURO-TRASH SKI TROUSERS.
LLOYD:BUT YOU CAN SEE THE OUTLINE OF YOUR WHO-WHO.
HARRY:REALLY?
LLOYD:TURN SIDEWAYS.ACTUALLY, IT'S JUST A TINY LITTLE LUMP.NO ONE WILL EVER NOTICE.
HARRY:YOU'RE RIGHT.I CAN'T GO OUT DRESSED LIKE THIS.SORRY I'M LATE.IT'S A BITCH DRIVING A CLUTCH WITH THESE THINGS.YOU TAKE THE FIRST RUN ALONE.I'M GONNA LOOSEN UP DOWN HERE.
WAITER:I'M SORRY, WE DON'T OPEN UNTIL ELEVEN.
LLOYD:I'M MEETING SOMEONE.MIND IF I WAIT AT THE BAR?
MARY:BEAUTIFUL DAY, HUH, HARRY?
HARRY:GLORIOUS.
MARY:GOD, IT FEELS SO GOOD TO GET UP HERE.I HAVEN'T BEEN OUTDOORS MUCH IN THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.
HARRY:WHY NOT?
MARY:THERE'S BEEN.FAMILY PROBLEMS.I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU WITH THEM.
HARRY:THANKS.OH, LOOK.FROST.
MARY:ARE YOU OKAY?
HARRY:SURE.I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.SEE YA AT THE BOTTOM.HI.SAY, KIDS, YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO HAVE A CUP OF WARM WATER, WOULD YOU?
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:HI.BAD DAY, HUH? WELL DON'T WORRY, MERCURY'S SUPPOSED TO BE COMING OUT OR RETROGRADE TONIGHT.THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
MARY:MY GOD.HARRY, ARE YOU OKAY?
HARRY:I'M FINE, I'M FINE.IT'LL COME OFF.
SHAY:YOU'RE LUCK JUST RAN OUT, PAL.
MARY:THIS IS SILLY.LET ME HELP YOU.
MIME:GODDAMN IT! WHAT THE FUCK?!
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:.ANYWAY, AFTER MY BOYFRIEND BACKED INTO MY GARAGE FOR THE THIRD TIME, I SAID TO MYSELF, 'RUN, CATHY, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE BEFORE HE KILLS YOU BOTH'.THEN YOU KNOW WHAT THE KLUTZ DOES
LLOYD:NO, AND TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, I DON'T REALLY CARE.LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT I'M NOT VERY GOOD COMPANY TODAY.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:I'LL SAY.I HAVE AN IDEA.WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF.
LLOYD:MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME.EXCUSE ME, YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW A MARY SWANSON, WOULD YOU?
BARTENDER:SURE.HER FAMILY COMES IN HERE ALL THE TIME.
LLOYD:DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES?
BARTENDER:YEAH, THEY GOT THAT BIG PLACE UP ON ALPINE DRIVE.
MARY:I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, TODAY WAS REALLY JUST WHAT I NEEDED.THANKS A LOT, HARRY.
HARRY:MY PLEASURE, MARY.
MARY:SO YOU'LL PICK ME UP TONIGHT AT 7:45?
HARRY:BETTER MAKE IT QUARTER TO EIGHT.I'VE GOT A FEW THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF FIRST.MARY DUNNE.MRS.MARY DUNNE.GOT A NICE RING TO IT.
LLOYD:SOME BEST MAN.
HARRY:IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, LLOYD.SHE TOLD ME TEN O'CLOCK SHARP.ARE YOU SURE YOU WENT TO THE RIGHT BAR?
LLOYD:BELIEVE ME, IT WAS THE RIGHT PLACE.I DON'T KNOW, HAR, MAYBE SHE JUST HAD SECOND THOUGHTS.
HARRY:I HAVE A HARD TIME BELIEVING THAT, LLOYD.THE GIRL SAID SHE COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.WAIT A MINUTE.
LLOYD:WHAT?
HARRY:IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME.SHE MUST'VE MEANT TEN O'CLOCK AT NIGHT.
LLOYD:DO YA THINK.?
HARRY:OF COURSE! WHY WOULD SHE HAVE YOU MEET HER AT A BAR AT TEN IN THE MORNING?
LLOYD:I JUST FIGURED SHE WAS A RAGING ALCOHOLIC.
HARRY:BOY, AREN'T WE A COUPLE OF BEAUTIES?
LLOYD:I KNEW THERE WAS AN EXPLANATION.AND HERE I THOUGHT SHE WAS STANDING ME UP.
HARRY:THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.ANYWAY, SINCE YOU HAVE YOUR NIGHT ALL PLANNED, I THINK I'LL RUN OUT AND CATCH A FLICK.
LLOYD:WILL YOU JOIN ME IN A GOOD LUCK TOAST BEFORE YOU HEAD OUT?
HARRY:SURE THING, PAL.WHATEVER YOU THINK WILL HELP YOUR CHANCES.
LLOYD:PRETTY SNAZZED OUT FOR A MOVIE, AREN'T YOU?
HARRY:UH? IT'S FOR MATURE AUDIENCES.I DON'T WANNA CHANCE GETTING TURNED AWAY AT THE DOOR.
LLOYD:I SEE.TO MY FRIEND HARRY THE MATCHMAKER.
HARRY:MMMMM.
MARY:HI.COME ON IN.MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.I'M ALMOST READY.JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE MINUTE.
MARY:ARE YOU IN THERE, HARRY?
HARRY:BE RIGHT OUT.
MARY:I HOPE YOU'RE NOT USING THE TOILET.IT'S BROKEN.
HARRY:HUH?
MARY:IT DOESN'T FLUSH.
HARRY:UM, NO, I WAS JUST.SHAVING.
MARY:SHAVING?
HARRY:YEAH! I WAS RUNNING A LITTLE LATE.THOUGHT THIS WOULD SAVE TIME.
MARY:OKAY.WELL I'LL BE IN THE LIVING ROOM WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
HARRY:COME ON, FLUSH, YOU BASTARD?
REPORTER:WE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE WITH THE STORY OF THE BLIND INDIANA BOY WHO WAS DUPED INTO BUYING A DEAD PARAKEET.
BLIND BOY:.I THOUGHT HE WAS REAL QUIET.
MARY:YES.?
LLOYD:HI.DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME?
MARY:UM.I'M NOT REALLY.
LLOYD:SOUTH BEND.I DROVE YOU TO THE AIRPORT LAST WEEK.
MARY:OH MY GOD.LLOYD, RIGHT?
LLOYD:YOU REMEMBERED.
MARY:WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN ASPEN?
LLOYD:I BROUGHT YOU YOUR BRIEFCASE.YOU LEFT IT AT THE AIRPORT SO I PICKED IT UP FOR YOU.
MARY:YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOOK MY BRIEFCASE?
LLOYD:YEAH, IT'S BACK AT MY HOTEL ROOM.COME ON, LET'S TAKE A RIDE.I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.
MARY:WAIT RIGHT HERE.HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?
HARRY:UH.JUST CLEANING MY TEETH.GIVE ME A MINUTE, MARY, I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
MARY:SORRY, BUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT'S COME UP AND I HAVE TO RUN OUT.IT'S SORT OF AN EMERGENCY.I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.
HARRY:BUT MARY
MARY:I'M REALLY SORRY, HARRY.I PROMISE WE'LL DO THIS ANOTHER TIME.
HARRY:GREAT.
ANDRE:THEY'RE MINE.
LLOYD:.SO ANYWAY, AS SOON AS I GOT TO TOWN I TRIED TO LOOK YOU UP BUT I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR LAST NAME.
MARY:I DON'T BELIEVE IT.YOU REALLY HAVE IT.
LLOYD:'COURSE I HAVE IT.WHEN LLOYD CHRISTMAS DRIVES A WOMAN TO THE AIRPORT, HE MAKES SURE SHE GETS ALL HER LUGGAGE, NO MATTER WHAT HE HAS TO DO.
MARY:THIS IS INCREDIBLE.YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU DROVE TWO THOUSAND MILES JUST FOR ME?
LLOYD:WELL.NO.I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THERE WERE OTHER REASONS.ACTUALLY, YEAH, I GUESS I DID.
MARY:THAT IS THE SWEETEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.
HARRY:IT'S ALL KHARMA, HARRY.YOU SCREW YOUR BEST FRIEND OVER AND IT'S GONNA COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
LLOYD:LOOK, MARY, I KNOW THIS MAY SEEM A LITTLE SUDDEN BUT I'VE GIVEN IT A LOT OF THOUGHT:YOU'RE THE WOMAN I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR MY WHOLE LIFE, AND I'M NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT - - PLEASE, LET ME FINISH.I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU.I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY ABOUT ANYONE.YOU MAKE IT SO EASY FOR ME TO TELL YOU MY INNERMOST DESIRES.LISTEN TO ME, I FEEL LIKE A SCHOOLBOY AGAIN.A SCHOOLBOY WHO DESPERATELY WANTS TO MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO YOU.
MARY:OH.I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU TALKING TO SOMEONE.
LLOYD:MARY.I DESPERATELY WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO A SCHOOLBOY.
MARY:MAYBE I SHOULD BE GOING NOW.
LLOYD:NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.I MEANT.I REALLY LIKE YOU, MARY.I LIKE YOU A LOT.I'M GONNA ASK YOU SOMETHING FLAT OUT AND I WANT YOU TO ANSWER ME HONESTLY:WHAT DO YOU THINK THE CHANCES ARE OF A GIRL LIKE YOU AND A GUY LIKE ME ENDING UP TOGETHER?
MARY:LLOYD, THAT'S DIFFICULT TO SAY.I MEAN WE HARDLY
LLOYD:I ASKED YOU TO BE HONEST, MARY.
MARY:BUT LLOYD, I REALLY CAN'T
LLOYD:COME ON, GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.I DROVE A LONG WAY TO SEE YOU, THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS LEVEL WITH ME.WHAT ARE MY CHANCES?
MARY:NOT GOOD.
LLOYD:YOU MEAN NOT GOOD, LIKE ONE OUT OF A HUNDRED?
MARY:I'D SAY MORE LIKE ONE OUT OF A MILLION.
LLOYD:SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THERE'S A CHANCE?
MARY:NICHOLAS.WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ANDRE:I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU, MARY.I'VE GOT SOME INTERESTING NEWS ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND.
LLOYD:HUSBAND?
ANDRE:AREN'T YOU TWO GOING TO INVITE ME IN?
WOMAN'S VOICE:HEY!
HARRY:YOU.? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ANDRE:WELL AT LEAST YOU TWO GOT TO SAY YOUR GOODBYES.
LLOYD:WHO ARE YOU?
ANDRE:DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME, ASSHOLE.I'M THE RIGHTFUL OWER OF THAT BRIEFCASE YOU'VE BEEN CARRYING.
LLOYD:UH-OH.
MARY:NICHOLAS, YOU.YOU MOTHERFUCKER! MY FAMILY TRUSTED YOU!
ANDRE:SHUT UP!
LLOYD:UH, SIR, ABOUT THE BRIEFCASE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW, MY FRIEND HARRY AND I HAVE EVERY INTENTION OF REIMBURSING YOU.
ANDRE:OPEN THAT DAMN THING! WHAT THE HELL'S THIS? WHERE'S ALL THE MONEY?
LLOYD:THAT'S AS GOOD AS MONEY, SIR.THOSE ARE OUR IOUS.YOU CAN ADD THEM UP YOURSELF.EVERY PENNY'S ACCOUNTED FOR.
ANDRE:YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!
LLOYD:NOW DON'T DO ANYTHING HASTY, MAN.
HARRY:LLOYD, ARE YOU HOME? WE'VE GOTTA TALK, MAN.I HAVE A SERIOUS CONFESSION TO MAKE.OH GOOD, YOU FOUND HER.I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU TWO KIDS ALONE.
ANDRE:WHY DON'T YOU STAY AND JOIN THE PARTY?.I WANT A ONE-WAY TICKET TO RIO DE JANERIO DEPARTING AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
MARY:YOU MEAN YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?
LLOYD:YEAH, WE USED TO BE BEST FRIENDS.
HARRY:UNTIL HE TURNED INTO A BACKSTABBER.
LLOYD:ME A BACKSTABBER? YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE.I SAW HER FIRST.
HARRY:HEY, I COULDN'T HELP IT IF SHE FOUND ME IRRESISTIBLE.
LLOYD:BUT YOU KNEW HOW CRAZY I WAS ABOUT HER.
HARRY:YEAH, AND YOU KNEW HOW CRAZY I WAS ABOUT FRAIDA FELCHER, BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP YOU, DID IT?
LLOYD:WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HARRY:DON'T DENY IT, LLOYD.FRAIDA TOLD ME THE WHOLE SORDID STORY.
LLOYD:LOOK.I WAS GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT THAT.IT WAS GONNA BE MENTIONED AT THE READING OF MY WILL.I SWEAR, YOU CAN ASK MY LAWYER.
HARRY:WELL I GUESS WE BOTH LEARNED A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT EACH OTHER, DIDN'T WE?
LLOYD:YOU SAID IT, PAL.MAYBE WE'RE NOT AS GOOD FRIENDS AS WE THOUGHT WE WERE.
HARRY:GUESS NOT.
LLOYD:I MEAN, IF ONE BEAUTIFUL GIRL COULD RIP US APART LIKE THIS, THEN IT SEEMS OUR FRIENDSHIP ISN'T WORTH A DAMN.MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL IT QUITS RIGHT HERE.
HARRY:JUST TELL ME WHERE TO SIGN, BUD.
ANDRE:OKAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU LOSERS WANTS TO DIE FIRST?
HARRY:I WOULDN'T PULL THAT TRIGGER IF I WERE YOU.
ANDRE:WHY NOT? IT'LL LOOK LIKE JUST ANOTHER ASPEN LOVE TRIANGLE.YOU CAUGHT THE TWO OF THEM IN BED, HANDCUFFED THEM TO THE POST, MURDERED THEM, AND KILLED YOURSELF.
HARRY:EXCEPT YOU'RE FORGETTING ONE MINOR DETAIL.
ANDRE:WHAT'S THAT?
HARRY:IF YOU KILL US, YOU'D BE KILLING YOURSELF.
ANDRE:HUH?
HARRY:YOU SEE, PHILOSOPHERS BELIEVE THAT WE'RE ALL REALLY JUST TINY PIECES OF ONE HUGE UNIVERSAL BEING.IN OTHER WORDS, I AM YOU AND YOU ARE ME, SO IF YOU WERE TO KILL US YOU'D BE COMMITTING SUICIDE, YOU UNENLIGHTENED IDIOT
ANDRE:SHUT UP!
MARY:WHAT ABOUT MY HUSBAND? DID YOU KILL HIM, TOO?
HARRY:HUSBAND? WHAT HUSBAND?
LLOYD:MARY'S MARRIED, HARRY.
ANDRE:NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT MELVIN.NOW THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'LL ASK:WHO WANTS TO DIE FIRST?
HARRY:KILL HER.THE BITCH SHOULD'VE TOLD HIM SHE WAS MARRIED BACK AT THE AIRPORT.IT WOULD'VE SAVED US A LOT OF TROUBLE.
LLOYD:NO, I'LL GO FIRST, HARRY.I WAS THE ONE WHO GOT YOU INTO THIS MESS.
HARRY:NO, WAIT, DO ME FIRST.I'M THE ONE WHO STOLE YOUR GIRL, LLOYD.I DESERVE IT.
LLOYD:JESUS CHRIST! YOU KILLED MY BEST FRIEND, YOU BASTARD!
ANDRE:IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE REUNITED.
LLOYD:HARRY! YOU'RE ALIVE!
COP #1:GET YOUR HANDS UP, ASSHOLE!
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:SPECIAL OFFICER KATHRYN FRICK.FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION.
LLOYD:YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:GOOD WORK, HARRY.
HARRY:SHE GRABBED ME DOWN IN THE LOBBY AND EXPLAINED WHAT WAS UP.THEY SLAPPED THIS ON ME AND GAVE ME A GUN.
LLOYD:BUT HOW DID YOU.?
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:WE'VE BEEN FOLLOWING YOU TWO ALL THE WAY FROM PROVIDENCE.MR.AND MRS.SWANSON HAD A HOMING DEVICE PLATED IN THE BRIEFCASE.
HARRY:YEAH, ABOUT THAT DOUGH.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY:EVERY BILL WAS COUNTERFEIT AND MARKED.
LLOYD:SHE'S SOMETHING, AIN'T SHE, HAR?
HARRY:YOU WERE RIGHT, LLOYD.SHE WAS DEFINITELY WORTH THE TRIP.
LLOYD:GUESS WE HAVE TO ADMIT IT, SHE WAS TOO GOOD FOR US.
MELVIN:OH GOD, BABY, I MISSED YOU! I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH, FELLAS.IT WAS SO DARN DANK IN THAT WELL, I REALLY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE THE DEATH OF ME.
HARRY:HEY, BARNEY.
BELL CAPTAIN:YES, GENTLEMEN?
LLOYD:LOOK, WE JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT WE APPRECIATE ALL YOU DID FOR US DURING OUR STAY.
HARRY:AND WE'RE, UM, SORRY ABOUT THE MONEY WE GAVE YOU TURNING OUT TO BE PHONY.
BELL CAPTAIN:DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, GENTLEMEN.THE SWANSON FAMILY HAS PROMISED TO REIMBURSE EVERYONE.
LLOYD:WELL, ANYWAY, THANKS AGAIN FOR EVERYTHING.
BARNARD:WHERE ARE YOU TWO HEADED?
HARRY:I DUNNO.I'M SURE WE'LL FIND A TRAILER CAMP SOMEWHERE TO CALL HOME.
BARNARD:WHY NOT RIGHT HERE?
LLOYD:THIS JOINT IS A LITTLE OUT OF OUR BUDGET, BARNEY.
BARNARD:OH, I THINK WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND YOU A FREE ROOM SOMEWHERE - AFTER ALL, LIKE YOU ONCE TOLD ME, WE'RE ALL FROM THE SAME MOLD.YOU JUST DON'T HAVE ANY DOUGH RIGHT NOW.
HARRY:ARE YOU ON THE LEVEL?
BARNARD:ABSOLUTELY.WE'LL JUST SLIDE YOU INTO ONE OF THE EMPLOYEE ROOMS.PROVIDED, OF COURSE, YOU DON'T MIND WORKING ONE OR TWO AFTERNOONS A WEEK.
LLOYD:YOU KNOW WHAT, BARNEY, I THINK WE'LL TAKE OUT CHANCES DOWN THE ROAD.
HARRY:SINCE WE'RE FINISHED ELBOW-RUBBING, WHAT NEXT, LLOYD?
LLOYD:I SAY WE HEAD DUE SOUTH AND TRY A LITTLE NOSE-RUBBING WITH SOME OF THEM SLINKY ESKIMO BABES.
HARRY:NOW YOU'RE TALKING MY LANGUAGE.YOU KNOW I GOT A WEAKNESS FOR BLONDES.
