HARVEY:JOYCE.JOYCE?
JOYCE:WHAT'S WRONG, HARVEY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?
JOYCE:WHAT IS IT?
HARVEY:TELL ME THE TRUTH.AM I SOME GUY WHO WRITES ABOUT HIMSELF IN A COMIC BOOK? OR AM I JUST - AM I JUST A CHARACTER IN THAT BOOK?
JOYCE:HARVEY.
HARVEY:IF I DIE, WILL 'DAT CHARACTER KEEP GOIN'? OR WILL HE JUST FADE AWAY.
JOYCE:OMIGOD, HARVEY! HARVEY, WAKE UP!
BOYS:TRICK OR TREAT!
HOUSEWIFE:WELL, LOOK AT THIS! ALL THE SUPERHEROES ON THE PORCH! AIN'T THAT CUTE.
HOUSEWIFE:WE GOT SUPERMAN HERE, BATMAN, HIS SIDEKICK ROBIN, OHH, THE GREEN LANTERN EVEN.
HOUSEWIFE:AND WHAT ABOUT YOU YOUNG MAN?
KID:WHAT ABOUT WHAT?
HOUSEWIFE:WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
KID:I'M HARVEY PEKAR.
HOUSEWIFE:HARVEY PEKAR? THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A SUPER HERO TO ME.
BOYS:PECKER, PECKER.
KID:I AIN'T NO SUPER HERO, LADY.I'M JUST A KID FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD, ALRIGHT?
KID:AHH, FORGET THIS.
KID:WHY IS EVERYBODY SO STOOPID?
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):OKAY.WE'RE THROWING A LOT AT YA HERE, SO LEMME STEP IN AN' HELP YA CATCH UP.THIS IS THE STORY ABOUT COMIC BOOKS, AN' A GUY WHO MADE A WHOLE LIFE OUTTA THEM.YOU COULD EVEN SAY COMICS SAVED HIS LIFE.THIS GUY HERE, HE'S OUR MAN, HARVEY PEKAR - ALL GROWN UP AND GOIN' NOWHERE.ALTHOUGH HE'S A PRETTY SCHOLARLY CAT, HE NEVER GOT MUCH OF A FORMAL EDUCATION.FOR THE MOST PART, HE'S LIVED IN SHIT NEIGHBORHOODS, HELD SHIT JOBS, AND IS NOW KNEE DEEP INTO A SECOND DISASTROUS MARRIAGE.SO IF YER LOOKIN' FOR ROMANCE OR ESCAPISM OR SOME FANTASY FIGURE TO SAVE THE DAY, GUESS WHAT? YA GOT THE WRONG MOVIE.
HARVEY:DOC, YOU GOTTA HELP ME.MY OLD LADY'S DUMPING ME 'CAUSE I CAN'T TALK.SHE SAYS I'M A SOCIAL EMBARRASSMENT.NOW THAT SHE'S GOT HER PHD, SHE'S SOME HOT SHIT ACADEMIC STAR AN' I'M NUTHIN' BUT A FILE CLERK WITH NOTHIN' TA SAY AN' NO VOICE TA SAY IT.BUT ME BEIN' A FILE CLERK WAS FINE WHEN I WROTE THE DAMN CHECK FOR HER TUITION
DOCTOR #1:HARVEY, STOP TALKING PLEASE, AND OPEN WIDE.
HARVEY:I JUST DON'T GET IT.WE WERE DOIN' OKAY FOR A WHILE.THEN WE TOOK THAT STUPID BELATED HONEYMOON.I STARTED LOSIN' MY VOICE ON THE PLANE.CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT.ON THE PLANE, DOC?
DOCTOR #1:BAD TIMING, I GUESS.NOW PLEASE SAY "AH," MR.PEKAR.
HARVEY:"AHHH." "AHHH" RUINED THE TRIP.I GOT CRAZY, STARTED TO WORRY MY VOICE WOULD NEVER COME BACK.I MEAN, MY WIFE DIDN'T KNOW ME SO LONG BEFORE WE GOT HITCHED.WHAT IF SHE TOTALLY FORGETS WHAT I'M LIKE? MAN, IT'S TORTURE
DOCTOR #1:SHHH.
DOCTOR #1:UH-HUH.
HARVEY:WHAT? IS IT BAD, DOC?
DOCTOR #1:IT'S NOT GOOD.
HARVEY:IT'S CANCER? FIRST I GOT MARITAL PROBLEMS AND NOW YER TELLIN' ME I GOT THROAT CANCER? OMIGOD.
DOCTOR #1:HARVEY, CALM DOWN.IT'S NOT CANCER.YOU HAVE A NODULE ON YOUR VOCAL CHORDS.PROBABLY FROM SCREAMING AND YELLING TOO MUCH.AND IF YOU DON'T STOP TALKING AND GIVE IT A REST, YOU'RE GONNA LOSE YOUR VOICE COMPLETELY.
HARVEY:WHEW.OKAY, OKAY.BUT FER HOW LONG?
DOCTOR #1:A FEW MONTHS.
HARVEY:MONTHS!
DOCTOR #1:SEE? MORE OF THAT AND YOU'LL DO PERMANENT DAMAGE.NOW GO HOME, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, AND HOPEFULLY WE WON'T HAVE TO OPERATE.
TOBY:HI HARVEY.YOU WEREN'T IN WORK TODAY.ARE YOU OKAY, HARVEY?
TOBY:I'M HEADING DOWNTOWN TO THE WHITE CASTLE.WANNA COME, HARVEY?
SPANISH WOMAN #1:I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I'M WAITING FOR A CALL!
SPANISH WOMAN #2:OH YEAH? SINCE WHEN IS THIS YOUR PRIVATE OFFICE?!
SPANISH WOMAN #1:SINCE YOU CAN KISS MY ASS.
HARVEY:LOOK AT 'EM YAKKIN'.HOW DO THEY DO IT?
WOMAN #2:AY, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? MARICONE!
HARVEY:THEY ALL MAKE IT SEEM SO EASY.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):HERE'S OUR MAN WALKING HOME FROM THE DOCTOR'S.HE'S GOT THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON HIM.AND FER WHAT, REALLY? 'CAUSE HIS THROAT'S A LITTLE SCREWY? MAN, PEOPLE IN INDIA ARE STARVIN' TO DEATH EVERY DAY.HIS PROBLEMS ARE NOTHIN'.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):STILL, HE CAN'T HELP FEELIN' PARANOID, LIKE SOME SUPERNATURAL FORCE IS CONSPIRING AGAINST HIM TO ROB HIM OF HIS VOICE.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):MAYBE HIS OLD LADY WILL GO EASY ON HIM TODAY, WHEN SHE SEES HOW UPSET HE IS.
HARVEY:AY.WHAT IS THIS?
LANA:EXACTLY WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
HARVEY:WHATTYA MEAN! YOU MEAN YER DUMPIN' ME?! FER WHAT? AH, SHIT!
LANA:LOOK, YOUR PLEBEIAN LIFESTYLE ISN'T WORKING FOR ME ANYMORE.CLEVELAND'S NOT WORKING FOR ME ANYMORE.I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KILL MYSELF.
HARVEY:BUT
HARVEY:PLEASE! WAIT, HONEY.JUST LISTEN TO WHAT I GOT TO SAY.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):HERE'S OUR MAN - YEAH ALRIGHT, HERE'S ME - OR THE GUY PLAYIN' ME, ANYWAY, THOUGH HE DON'T LOOK NOTHIN' LIKE ME, BUT WHATEVER.SO IT'S A FEW MONTHS LATER AN' I'M WORKIN' MY FLUNKY, FILE-CLERK GIG AT THE V.A.HOSPITAL.MY VOICE STILL AIN'T BACK YET.THINGS SEEM LIKE THEY CAN'T GET ANY WORSE.
NURSE:THANK YOU, HARVEY DEAR.
HARVEY:PLEBEIAN.WHERE THE HELL DID SHE GET THAT SHIT?
MR.BOATS (O.S.):AVOID THE REEKING HERD! SHUN THE POLLUTED FLOCK! LIVE LIKE THAT STOIC BIRD, THE EAGLE OF THE ROCK!
HARVEY:HUH? OH.HIYA, MR.BOATS.
BOATS:YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, SON?
HARVEY:YEAH.IT'S FROM AN ELINOR HOYT WYLIE POEM.IT MEANS STAY AWAY FROM THE CROWDS OF COMMON ORDINARY PEOPLE AN' DO YER OWN THING.
BOATS:NOPE, IT MEANS DON'T COMPROMISE YOURSELF FOR WOMEN.AIN'T GONNA DO YOU NO GOOD! GET AWAY FROM 'EM AS SOON AS YOU CAN!
HARVEY:WELL I AIN'T GOT NO WOMAN NOW.SO I'M LIVING LIKE THE STOIC BIRD, MAN.
MR.BOATS:THE ONLY WAY TO LIVE, SON.
MR.BOATS:LOOK AT THAT FOOL OVER THERE.WHAT'S HE WEARING?
HARVEY:HUH? THAT'S AN A.M.-F.M.RADIO HE'S LISTENING TO.THEY GOT 'EM FIXED UP NOW LIKE A PAIR OF EARMUFFS.
MR.BOATS:MMPH! ISN'T THAT SOMETHIN! PEOPLE HAVE GONE CRAZY.THEY'LL BUY ANY KINDA JUNK! PROBABLY LISTENING TO THAT LOUD ROCK STUFF.JUNK, JUNK, IT'S ALL JUNK!
HARVEY:WELL, I DON'T KNOW.ROCK MUSIC'S GOT SOME GOOD QUALITIES.I MEAN IT AIN'T JAZZ OR NOTHIN'.
MR.BOATS:SAY, WHEN YOU GONNA BRING ME IN SOME GOOD RECORDS? SOME NAT "KING" COLE WITH STRINGS.
HARVEY:I DON'T GOT ANY OF THAT, MR.BOATS.
MR.BOATS:YEAH, YOU GOT IT.YOU'RE KEEPIN' IT AT HOME, THOUGH! YOU WON'T TURN LOOSE THE GOOD STUFF.YOU JUST SELL THE JUNK!
MR.BOATS:MONA LISA, MONA LISA.MEN HAVE NAMED YOU.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):IN THE EARLY SIXTIES I WAS WITH SOME BUDDIES AT A JUNK SALE LOOKING FOR SOME CHOICE SIDES WHEN I MET THIS SHY, RETIRING CAT FROM PHILADELPHIA NAMED BOB CRUMB.YOU KNOW THE GUY; FRITZ THE CAT, MR.NATURAL AN' ALL - THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT HIM, TOO.
MARTY:C'MON, HARV.YOU DIG JAY MCSHANN.YOU GONNA BUY THAT OR WHAT?
HARVEY:I DON'T KNOW, MARTY.IT'S GOT A LAMINATION CRACK IN IT.A QUARTER.MAYBE I CAN GET HIM DOWN.
MARTY:YOU ARE ONE CHEAP BASTARD HARVEY.
HARVEY:YEAH, I KNOW I'M TIGHT, MAN, BUT I LIVE ON A GOVERNMENT WAGE.
CRUMB:YOU COLLECT JAY MCSHANN, MAN?
HARVEY:YEAH, MAN.HOW 'BOUT YOU?
CRUMB:YEAH BUT MOST OF MY RECORDS ARE BACK IN PHILLY.
PAHLS:HARV, MEET MY BUDDY BOB CRUMB.HE JUST MOVED TO TOWN.HE'S AN ARTIST AT AMERICAN GREETING CARD COMPANY.
HARVEY:THAT'S COOL.
PAHLS:YOU SHOULD SEE HIS COMICS, HARV.THEY ARE OUTTA SIGHT.
HARVEY:YEAH? I'M INTO COMICS MYSELF.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):SO CRUMB SHOWED ME THIS COMIC BOOK NOVEL HE WAS WORKING ON - THE BIG YUM YUM BOOK.I'D NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.
HARVEY:IT'S TERRIFIC, MAN! I REALLY DIG YOUR WORK.
CRUMB:THIS PETER WHEAT BOOK IS BY WALT KELLY.IT'S PRETTY RARE.
HARVEY:YEAH? CAN I GET GOOD BREAD FOR IT?
CRUMB:NAH! NOT YET.
HARVEY:LISTEN MAN, LET'S GET BACK TO YOUR BOOK.WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH IT?
CRUMB:I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT.IT'S JUST AN EXERCISE.
HARVEY:IT'S MORE THAN AN EXERCISE.IT'S BREAKING GROUND, MAN.THERE'S SOME WILD SHIT IN HERE.
CRUMB:YOU'RE SPITTING ON ME, HARVEY.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):CRUMB AND I HUNG OUT A LOT BACK THEN.WE HAD RECORDS AND COMICS IN COMMON.
CRUMB:CHECK IT OUT, MAN.PRETTY SCARY.
HARVEY:YEAH, YA DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):EVENTUALLY PEOPLE GOT HIP TO CRUMB'S ART WORK AND HE STARTED HANGIN' OUT WITH A BOHEMIAN CROWD.AFTER A WHILE, HE GOT SICK OF GREETING CARDS AND MOVED AWAY TO SAN FRANCISCO WHERE HE GOT THE WHOLE UNDERGROUND COMIC SCENE OFF THE GROUND.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):HE'D COME BACK TA CLEVELAND EVERY FEW YEARS, AN' PEOPLE'D TREAT HIM LIKE A CELEBRITY.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):ONCE HE CAME TO VISIT WHEN I WAS REALLY FEELIN' BAD.IT WAS RIGHT AROUND THE TIME OF MY THROAT OPERATION, AN' RIGHT AFTER MY SECOND WIFE LEFT ME.AT FIRST IT WAS PRETTY WEIRD.I MEAN, HERE MY LIFE WAS FALLING APART AN' EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT FOR HIM.I WAS ON MY SECOND DIVORCE AN' HE WAS A BIG HIT WITH THE CHICKS.I WAS A NOTHIN' FILE CLERK AND HE WAS THIS FAMOUS CARTOONIST.
HARVEY:I DUNNO, MAN.ON THE ONE HAND MOST WOMEN GETTIN' GRADUATE DEGREES WOULDN'T GIVE A GUY LIKE ME THE TIME A' DAY.AN' SHE MARRIED ME AN' EVERYTHING, SO I GOTTA GIVE HER SOME KINDA CREDIT.BUT THEN SHE GOT SO MEAN TO ME IN THE END.AN' IT AIN'T LIKE I TRIED T'KEEP HER CAPTIVE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, Y'KNOW?
HARVEY:AN' THEN ON TOP OF IT I LOST MY VOICE FOR THREE MONTHS.I STILL SOUND LIKE SHIT, BUT BEFORE I HAD NOTHIN'.MAN, TALK ABOUT HELL.I STARTED FORGETTIN' WHAT I SOUND LIKE, Y'KNOW? SO I STARTED WRITIN' STUFF DOWN - STORIES AN' THINGS, MY POINTS A' VIEW, IDEAS.I EVEN PUBLISHED A COUPLE JAZZ RECORD REVIEWS.I GUESS THAT ENDED UP BEIN' A GOOD THING.
CRUMB:UH-HUH.
HARVEY:BUT DON'T THINK I BUY INTO THIS "GROWTH" CRAP.EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT HOW BAD EXPERIENCES CAN CAUSE YA T'GROW, AN' ALL THAT CLICHED STUFF.I'VE HAD ENOUGH BAD EXPERIENCES AND GROWTH TO LAST ME PLENTY.RIGHT NOW, I'D BE GLAD TO TRADE SOME GROWTH FOR HAPPINESS.
HARVEY:SO HOW LONG ARE YA STAYIN' IN CLEVELAND?
CRUMB:I DUNNO, MAN.I GOTTA GO VISIT THIS CHICK IN NEW YORK.AND I'M REALLY BUSY WITH THE COMIC BOOK STUFF.IT'S GOOD BREAD AND ALL MAN BUT I'M GETTING FED UP WITH THE WHOLE SCENE.
HARVEY:WHAT ARE YA TALKIN' ABOUT? YER MAKIN' A GOOD LIVING DOIN' YER ART? SHEESH.HOW MANY GUYS GET THAT LUCKY IN THEIR LIFE, HUH?
CRUMB:YEAH, I DUNNO.
HARVEY:YA KNOW MAN, PEOPLE ARE STARTIN' TO KNOW THE NAME "CRUMB." WHEN YOU CROAK YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE SOMETHING BEHIND.
CRUMB:YEAH, MY ASHES AND SOME CRAPPY DOODLES.IT'S NOT LIKE I'M BLIND LEMON JEFFERSON OR BIG MAMA THORNTON.
HARVEY:C'MON, MAN.IT SURE BEATS WORKIN' A GIG LIKE MINE - BEING A NOBODY FLUNKY AND SELLIN' RECORDS ON THE SIDE FOR A BUCK.
CRUMB:YEAH, WELL THAT'S TRUE.
HARVEY:DAMN IT!
HARVEY:I'M STARVIN'.
OLD JEWISH LADY:LISTEN, GOILY, DESE GLASSES ARE SIX FOR $2.00 BECAUSE I COULDN'T CARRY TWELF.BUT I VANTED TWELF SO TODAY I'M BUYING SIX MORE.BUT YOU SHOULD ONLY CHARGE ME $1.50 FOR DEM.IT'S OK, YOU CAN ESK DE MENEGER.
CASHIER:FRANK! I NEED A PRICE CHECK.
CARTOON HARVEY:MAN, OLD JEWISH LADIES WILL ARGUE FOREVER WITH A CASHIER ABOUT ANYTHING.GET BEHIND THEM IN A LINE AN' YER GONNA WAIT FOREVER!
CARTOON HARVEY:I MEAN, I'M A YID MYSELF, AN' THE WOMEN IN MY FAMILY ARE LIKE THAT.BUT I NEVER GOT USED TO IT.I MAY BE CHEAP, BUT I GOT LIMITS!
OLD JEWISH LADY:PLEASE.LET ME 'SPLAIN VON MORE TIME.
CARTOON HARVEY:WAKE UP! YOU'RE WHOLE LIFE'S GETTIN' EATEN AWAY BY THIS KINDA CRAP! WHAT KIND OF EXISTENCE IS THIS? IS THIS ALL A WORKIN' STIFF LIKE YOU CAN EXPECT? YA GONNA SUFFER IN SILENCE FER THE REST A' YER LIFE?! OR YA GONNA MAKE A MARK.HUH? HUH?
HARVEY:SHIT.WORK.
MATTRESS GUY #1:SO HOW SMART IS SHE?
MATTRESS GUY #2:I DUNNO.I GUESS SHE'S ABOUT AVERAGE.
MATTRESS GUY #1:AVERAGE? HEY, MAN.AVERAGE IS DUMB!
HARVEY:SEE, EVER SINCE I READ YOUR STUFF, MAN I'VE BEEN THINKING I COULD WRITE COMIC BOOK STORIES THAT WERE DIFFERENT FROM ANYTHING BEING DONE.
CRUMB:UH-HUH.
HARVEY:I'M THINKIN', THE GUYS WHO DO ANIMAL COMICS AND SUPER-HERO STUFF ARE REALLY LIMITED 'CAUSE THEY GOTTA TRY TO APPEAL TO KIDS.AND UNDERGROUND COMICS LIKE YOURS HAVE BEEN REALLY SUBVERSIVE OR OPENED THINGS UP POLITICALLY.BUT THERE IS STILL PLENTY MORE TA BE DONE WITH 'EM, TOO, Y'KNOW?
CRUMB:PASS ME THE KETCHUP?
HARVEY:I MEAN WITH PICTURES AND WORDS, IT COULD BE MORE OF AN ART FORM.LIKE THOSE FRENCH MOVIES ARE.OR DE SICA OVER IN ITALY, Y'KNOW?.SO I TRIED WRITIN' SOME THINGS ABOUT REAL LIFE.STUFF THE EVERYMAN'S GOTTA DEAL WITH.
CRUMB:THESE ARE ABOUT YOU.
HARVEY:ER, YEAH.
CRUMB:YOU TURNED YOURSELF INTO A COMIC HERO?
HARVEY:SORTA, YEAH.BUT NO IDEALIZED SHIT.NO PHONY BULLSHIT.THE REAL THING, Y'KNOW? ORDINARY LIFE IS PRETTY COMPLEX STUFF.
CRUMB:THESE ARE REALLY GOOD, HARV.
HARVEY:REALLY? YA THINK SO?
CRUMB:YEAH.THIS IS GREAT STUFF, MAN.I DIG IT.CAN I TAKE THEM HOME AND ILLUSTRATE THEM?
HARVEY:WOW!
HARVEY:YOU'D DO THAT FOR ME, MAN? THAT'D BE GREAT! I CAN'T DRAW A STRAIGHT LINE!
CRUMB:HEY, WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR VOICE, HARV? ALL OF A SUDDEN IT SOUNDS FINE.
HARVEY:I DON'T KNOW, MAN! I GUESS YOU CURED ME!
HARVEY:SEE THAT? ALL STORIES BY YOURS TRULY.
WW II VET PATIENT:HOT OFF THE PRESSES, HUH? WE GOT A REGULAR HEMINGWAY HERE.
HARVEY:NO WAY, JACK, I DON'T GO IN FOR THAT MACHO CRAP.
DOCTOR #3:I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD DRAW, PEKAR.
HARVEY:NAH! I DON'T DRAW.I JUST WRITE THE STORIES.A BUDDY OF MINE AND SOME OF HIS FRIENDS DO THE ART WORK.
TOBY:HARVEY, AM I IN HERE? YOU PROMISED I WOULD BE IN HERE.
HARVEY:YEAH! YEAH! YOU'RE IN THERE, ALRIGHT? JEEZ, TOBY.
MR.BOATS:LET ME SEE THIS.
TOBY:MR.BOATS, IT'S NOT POLITE TO GRAB THINGS.NEXT TIME
MR.BOATS:SON, YOU DONE GOOD.YA KNOW, I WAS UP IN TORONTO A FEW WEEKS BACK AN' I SAW THE RED CHINESE BALLET.
MR.BOATS:NOW THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.THE WAY THOSE PEOPLE WERE DANCING TOGETHER.THOSE CHINESE WORK HARD.I TELL YA, THEY WORK HARD - WHERE IS EVERYBODY GOIN'?
MR.BOATS:WHERE THESE SICKLY MEN RUSHIN' OFF TO? THEY AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE FOR NOW.MAYBE NOT FOR A LONG TIME.BUT DAMN IF THEY AIN'T IN A RUSH TO GET THERE.
MARTY:HEY LOOK GUYS, HERE COMES CAPTAIN AMERICA.
PAHLS:YOU GONNA HANG WITH THE BOYS NOW THAT YER A COMIC BOOK STAR?
HARVEY:CUT IT OUT.MAN, I AIN'T NOTHIN' YET COMPARED TO BOB CRUMB.
GUY #3:AH, LISTEN TO HIM.ONE LOUSY COMIC BOOK AND HE WANTS TO BE CRUMB.
PAHLS:HEY HARVEY, IF YA WANNA MAKE COMICS FOR ADULTS, YA OUGHTTA PUT SOME DIRTY STUFF IN IT.
GUY #3:YEAH, YOU CAN WRITE ABOUT MARTY'S SEX LIFE.
GUY #3:RIGHT MARTY? I HEARD YA WENT OUT WITH BONNIE YESTERDAY.
PAHLS:YEAH.HOWDJA DO? WUDJA GIT OFFA HER?
MARTY:AH, LOUSY.ALL'S I GOT WUZ ARMAROUND.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):HERE'S OUR MAN EIGHT COMICS LATER, A BRAND NEW DECADE, SAME OLD BULLSHIT.YEAH SURE, HE GETS LOTS OF RECOGNITION FOR HIS WRITIN' NOW.SURE HIS COMICS ARE PRAISED BY ALL THE IMPORTANT MEDIA TYPES TELLIN' PEOPLE WHAT TO THINK.BUT SO WHAT? IT'S NOT LIKE HE MAKES A LIVIN' AT IT LIKE BOB CRUMB.HE CAN'T GO AN' QUIT HIS DAY JOB OR NOTHIN'.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):WHO AM I KIDDIN'.TRUTH IS I'D BE LOST WITHOUT MY WORK ROUTINE.
HARVEY:I GOT A JOB.I GOT A JOB.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):SO - TO STAVE OFF DESPERATION AND FEELINGS OF USELESSNESS - I RESIGNED MYSELF TO A MENIAL EXISTENCE.BUT HEY, MAYBE THE GUY WHO'S HAD A HAPPY LIFE FEELS WORSE JUST BEFORE HE DIES THAN TH' GUY WHO HAD A SAD ONE.OR, MAYBE NOT.I DUNNO.MAYBE I JUST NEEDED A WOMAN.
TOBY:HI, HARVEY.DO YOU WANT THESE GOURMET JELLY BEANS? I GAVE UP SWEETS FOR LENT.
HARVEY:HUH? SURE, I'LL TAKE 'EM.
HARVEY:HEY, WATERMELON.THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
TOBY:I RECOMMEND THE PINA COLADAS.THEY ARE EXCELLENT AND VERY AUTHENTIC TASTING.
HARVEY:HEY TOBY, CAN YOU EAT LENTILS DURING LENT?
TOBY:SURE.I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.YOU CAN'T EAT MEAT ON CERTAIN DAYS, BUT LENTILS SHOULD BE ACCEPTABLE ANYTIME.
HARVEY:YA THINK THERE'S ANY CONNECTION BETWEEN LENTILS AND LENT?
TOBY:I DON'T THINK SO BUT I'LL ASK SISTER MARY FRED AT CHURCH ON SUNDAY.
HARVEY:SISTER MARY FRED, HUH? IS SHE CUTE? SOUNDS KINDA MANNISH BUT WHO AM I TO BE PICKY.
TOBY:HARVEY, YOU'RE FUNNY.SHE'S A NUN.
HARVEY:SO WHAT? MAYBE SHE BECAME A NUN BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T GET A GUY.
TOBY:HARVEY, SHE BECAME A NUN BECAUSE SHE HAD A HIGHER CALLING.
HARVEY:HIGHER CALLING.THAT IS SUCH A CROCK OF SHIT.I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WASTE YOUR TIME PRAYIN' ANYWAY.
TOBY:WELL, HARVEY, I LIKE THE RITUAL.AND I'M A VERY SPIRITUAL PERSON.YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD TRY BELIEVING IN SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOURSELF.IT MIGHT CHEER YOU UP.
HARVEY:WHAT? DO I SEEM DEPRESSED, TOBY?
BOB THE DIRECTOR (V.O.):CUT!
BOB THE DIRECTOR:OKAY, THAT WAS GREAT.THE BAKERY SCENE IS NEXT.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):MY LONELINESS WAS UNBEARABLE, MAN.WEEKENDS WERE THE WORST.SOMETIMES IN MY SLEEP, I'D FEEL A BODY NEXT TO ME LIKE AN AMPUTEE FEELS A PHANTOM LIMB.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):SURE MY COMICS WERE BRINGIN' ME NOTORIETY, BUT MY PERSONAL LIFE WAS IN SHAMBLES.I THOUGHT A LITTLE ATTENTION WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.IT ONLY MADE ME FEEL WORSE.
COUNTER GIRL #1:NEXT!
HARVEY:YEAH! I'LL HAVE TWO CRULLERS, A JELLY DONUT WITH POWDERED SUGAR.AND YOU GOT ANY "DAY OLD BREAD"?
ALICE:HEY, YOU'RE HARVEY PEKAR.
HARVEY:YEAH.
ALICE:ALICE QUINN.FROM SCHOOL.
HARVEY:OH YEAH.COLLEGE.WE HAD A COUPLE LIT CLASSES TOGETHER.
ALICE:WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? YOU JUST DISAPPEARED AFTER ONE SEMESTER.
HARVEY:I KNOW, MAN.I GOT GOOD GRADES AND ALL BUT THERE WAS THIS REQUIRED MATH CLASS.I CAN'T DO MATH, AN' THAT REQUIRED CLASS HANGIN' OVER MY HEAD MADE ME CRAZY.EVENTUALLY THE PRESSURE GOT TO BE TOO MUCH.
ALICE:WELL, YOU'RE DOING OKAY ANYWAY.I HEARD ALL ABOUT YOUR JAZZ REVIEWS AND YOUR COMICS.
HARVEY:YA DID?
ALICE:SURE, YOU'RE FAMOUS.MEANWHILE I GOT MY DEGREE BUT I'M JUST A PLAIN OLD WIFE AND MOTHER.
HARVEY:YEAH.I'M NOT DOING AS GREAT AS YA THINK.MY SECOND WIFE DIVORCED ME AND I WORK AT A DEAD END JOB AS A FILE CLERK.SOMETIMES I HANG OUT WITH THE GUYS ON THE CORNER BUT MOST OF THE TIME I JUST STAY HOME BY MYSELF AND READ.
ALICE:YOU'RE LUCKIER THAN YOU THINK.MY HUSBAND AND KIDS MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO CUDDLE UP WITH A GOOD BOOK.
HARVEY:I'M READING THIS BOOK BY DREISER NOW - JENNIE GERHARDT.
ALICE:THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.
HARVEY:I HOPE IT DON'T END LIKE SO MANY A' THOSE NATURALIST NOVELS.WITH SOMEONE GETTING CRUSHED TA EARTH BY FORCES HE CAN'T CONTROL.
ALICE:I THINK YOU'LL BE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.IT'S CERTAINLY NOT A HOLLYWOOD HAPPY ENDING, BUT IT'S PRETTY TRUTHFUL.WHICH IS RARE THESE DAYS.
ALICE:THIS IS ME.
HARVEY:NICE CAR.I DON'T HAVE ONE YET.
ALICE:CAN I GIVE YA A LIFT SOMEWHERE?
HARVEY:NAH.IT'S A NICE DAY.I'LL JUST WALK.
ALICE:WELL, WE SHOULD HAVE YOU OVER SOMETIME FOR DINNER.
HARVEY:SURE, I'D BE GLAD T'COME.BUT IF YOU REALLY WANNA DO ME A FAVOR, INTRODUCE ME TO SOME A' YOUR SINGLE GIRLFRIENDS.I BET THEY'RE ALL SMART LIKE YOU.I'M NO CATCH, THOUGH, SO I'LL TAKE ANYTHING YOU CAN GET ME.
ALICE:I'LL WORK ON IT.
ALICE:NICE SEEING YA HARVEY.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):WHEN I GOT HOME, I FINISHED READING JENNIE GERHARDT.IT WAS REAL GOOD, WAY BETTER THAN I EXPECTED.THAT ALICE WUZ RIGHT.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):SURE LESTER - THE MAIN CHARACTER - CROAKS IN THE END, BUT AT LEAST HE'S OLD AND DIES A NATURAL DIGNIFIED DEATH.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):I WAS MORE ALONE THAT WEEKEND THAN ANY.ALL I DID WAS THINK ABOUT JENNIE GERHARDT AN' ALICE QUINN AN' ALL THE DECADES OF PEOPLE I HAVE KNOWN.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):THE MORE I THOUGHT, THE MORE I FELT LIKE CRYIN'; LIFE SEEMED SO SWEET AN' SO SAD AN' SO HARD T'LET GO OF IN THE END.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):BUT HEY, MAN.EVERY DAY'S A BRAND NEW DEAL, RIGHT? JUST KEEP ON WORKIN' AND SUMP'N'S BOUND TA TURN UP.
JOYCE:WHAT HAPPENED TO THE NEW AMERICAN SPLENDOR?
RAND:WE SOLD 'EM, BABE.
JOYCE:ALL OF THEM?
RAND:YEP.
JOYCE:DAMN IT! I PUT ONE ASIDE FOR MYSELF, NEXT TO THE REGISTER.I DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO READ IT.
RAND:WHOA, SORRY, JOYCE.I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SUCH A SPLENDOR FAN.NEXT TIME TAKE IT HOME.
JOYCE:MAYBE I'LL CALL THE PUBLISHER.BUT THEY TAKE SO DAMN LONG.SHIT! WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE HAVE TO BE SUCH A COMPLICATED DISASTER.
RAND:OKAY, I'M GONNA HUSTLE BEFORE THE VIBE IN HERE GETS ANY WORSE.
JOYCE (V.O.):GREETINGS FROM THE SECOND SMALLEST STATE IN THE UNION, AN ENDLESS PLASTICS AND NYLON PLANTATION CONTROLLED BY GIANT CHEMICAL CORPORATIONS.
JOYCE (V.O.):TO MAKE MATTERS MORE DISMAL, THERE ARE NO DECENT COMIC BOOK STORES IN MY TOWN, WHICH IS WHY MY PARTNER AND I OPENED ONE OURSELVES.
JOYCE (V.O.):DESPITE OUR STEADILY FALTERING BUSINESS, MY PARTNER MANAGED TO SELL THE LAST COPY OF AMERICAN SPLENDOR #8 OUT FROM UNDER ME.I'M A BIG FAN AND I HATE TO WAIT FOR A NEW ORDER.IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN GET IT FROM YOU DIRECT? SINCERELY, JOYCE BRABNER.
HARVEY:.MAN, SHE'S GOT GOOD LOOKIN' HANDWRITIN'.
HARVEY:DEAR JOYCE, THANKS FOR THE LETTER.WHATTYA DO BESIDES SELLIN' COMICS?
JOYCE (V.O.):I'M A SOMETIME ACTIVIST AND I TEACH WRITING TO PRISONERS.I TRY TO HELP THEM BUILD AN INTERIOR LIFE AND MAKE ART OUT OF THEIR MONOTONOUS, SUFFOCATING ROUTINE.
HARVEY (V.O.):SOUNDS FAMILIAR.SO YOU MARRIED OR WHAT?
JOYCE (V.O.):I'M DIVORCED, THANK GOD.
HARVEY:LOOK, I THINK YOU AN' I GOT A LOT IN COMMON.HOW AM I GONNA GET YOU TO COME VISIT ME IN CLEVELAND?
JOYCE (V.O.):CLEVELAND? YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA?
HARVEY:IT'S A GREAT IDEA.YOU SHOULD MEET ME, 'CAUSE I'M A GREAT GUY.DESPITE THE WAY MY COMICS READ, I GOT A LOT OF REDEEMING CHARACTERISTICS.
JOYCE:I DON'T KNOW.WHERE WOULD I STAY?
HARVEY (V.O.):WITH ME.DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT GONNA PUT NO MOVES ON YOU OR ANYTHING.
JOYCE:I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THAT.HOLD ON, I JUST SPILLED CHAMOMILE TEA ALL OVER MY BATHROBE.
HARVEY (V.O.):SO WHAT ARE YA WORRIED ABOUT THEN?
JOYCE:WELL, THE WAY ALL THOSE DIFFERENT ARTISTS DRAW YOU, I DON'T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.I MEAN SOMETIMES YOU LOOK LIKE A YOUNGER BRANDO, BUT THEN THE WAY CRUMB DRAWS YOU - LIKE A HAIRY APE WITH ALL THOSE STINKY, WAVY LINES RADIATING OFF YOUR BODY - IT'S KIND OF SCARY.
HARVEY (V.O.):THOSE ARE MOTION LINES.I'M AN ACTIVE GUY.ANYWAY, JUST COME OUT HERE AN' I'LL TRY TO BE ANYONE YOU WANT ME TA BE.
JOYCE:THAT'S A DANGEROUS OFFER.I'M A NOTORIOUS REFORMER.
HARVEY (O.S.):HEY.ARE YOU JOYCE?
JOYCE:HI, HARVEY.WE FINALLY MEET IN PERSON.
HARVEY:HIYA.LOOK, BEFORE WE GET STARTED WITH ANY OF THIS, YA MIGHT AS WELL KNOW RIGHT OFF THE BAT.I HAD A VASECTOMY.
HARVEY:WHAT'S WRONG?
JOYCE:NOTHING.
HARVEY:SOMETHIN'S WRONG.YER LOOKIN' AROUND EVERYWHERE.
JOYCE:I GUESS I NEVER IMAGINED YOU EATING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.
HARVEY:ME? I NEVER BEEN HERE.I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT.BUT OBVIOUSLY YA DON'T, DO YA?
JOYCE:IT'S FINE.WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
HARVEY:I DUNNO.NONE, I GUESS.THEY SURE GOT A LOT OF MEAT ON THIS MENU.
JOYCE:YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN?
HARVEY:KINDA.I MEAN EVER SINCE I GOT A PET CAT, I COULDN'T EAT ANIMALS ANYMORE.
JOYCE:HMM.I SUPPORT AND IDENTIFY WITH GROUPS LIKE PETA, BUT UNFORTUNATELY I'M A SELF-DIAGNOSED ANEMIC.ALSO, I HAVE ALL THESE FOOD ALLERGIES TO VEGETABLES THAT GIVE ME SERIOUS INTESTINAL DISTRESS.I GUESS I HAVE A LOT OF BORDERLINE HEALTH DISORDERS THAT LIMIT ME POLITICALLY WHEN IT COMES TO EATING.
HARVEY:WOW.YER A SICK WOMAN, HUH?
JOYCE:NOT YET.BUT I EXPECT TO BE.EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY'S GOT SOME KIND OF DEGENERATIVE ILLNESS.
WAITRESS:GOOD AFTERNOON! I'M YOUR SERVER CINDY! WHAT CAN I BRING YOU TWO TODAY?
HARVEY:LOOK, I WAS GONNA CLEAN UP, BUT WHY SHOULD I GIVE YOU ANY FALSE NOTIONS? THE TRUTH IS I GOT A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH CLEANLINESS.I COULD WASH A DISH TEN TIMES AND IT'D STILL DIRTY.THEY EVEN KICKED ME OUTTA THE ARMY 'CAUSE I COULDN'T LEARN TA MAKE A BED.
JOYCE:I'VE SEEN WORSE.
JOYCE:HARVEY, GO GET ME WATER AND A FEW ASPIRIN.
HARVEY:WHAT, YA GOT A HEADACHE?
JOYCE:NO, BUT I WANT TO AVOID ONE.
HARVEY:WELL LEMME TELL YA JOYCE, IT SURE IS NICE TA HAVE COMPANY.I MEAN, DESPITE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS, YOU SEEM LIKE A GREAT PERSON.AN' HEY, SORRY IF MY DATING SKILLS ARE KINDA RUSTY, BUT I'VE JUST BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK WITH WOMEN.I MEAN THAT LAST ONE TURNED OUT TO BE A REAL NASTY BITCH.
JOYCE:I HAD A NICE TIME WITH YOU, TOO.
HARVEY:YEAH? YOU HAD A NICE TIME?
JOYCE:DON'T MAKE PEOPLE REPEAT THEMSELVES.IT'S ANNOYING.
HARVEY:OH, SORRY.
JOYCE:C'MERE.
JOYCE:HARVEY?
HARVEY:YEAH?
JOYCE:WHICH DOOR'S THE BATHROOM?
HARVEY:HEY, JOYCE! WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT IS IT?
JOYCE:UGH! I DON'T KNOW.I THINK THAT YUPPIE FOOD DID ME IN.
HARVEY:I FEEL TERRIBLE.LEMME AT LEAST DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.
HARVEY:CAN I MAKE YA SOMETHING? HOW ABOUT SOME CHAMOMILE TEA?
JOYCE:CHAMOMILE TEA? WHAT THE HELL'S A GUY LIKE YOU DOING WITH THAT? I THOUGHT YOU DRINK SODA POP FOR BREAKFAST.
HARVEY (O.S.):I DUNNO.I NOTICED YOU DRANK A LOT OF IT WHEN WE STARTED TALKIN' ON THE PHONE.SO I STOCKED UP ON HERBAL TEAS FOR YOUR VISIT.
HARVEY:THE GIRL AT THE FOOD CO-OP PICKED ME OUT ALL KINDS OF HERBAL STUFF.ONE OF 'EMS GOOD FOR STOMACHACHES.GRANDMA BEAR'S TUMMY MINT, I THINK.ARE YOU STILL THERE?
JOYCE:HARVEY, WE BETTER SKIP THIS WHOLE COURTSHIP THING AND JUST GET MARRIED.
HARVEY:MAN, AM I GLAD I TALKED YOU INTO COMIN' UP HERE.ANY MORE TIME ALONE AND I MIGHTA LOST IT FER GOOD.
JOYCE:ME TOO.
HARVEY:SO YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS WITH MOVIN' TO CLEVELAND?
JOYCE:NOT REALLY.I FIND MOST AMERICAN CITIES DEPRESSING IN THE SAME WAY.
HARVEY:AN' YER OKAY WITH THE VASECTOMY THING?
HARVEY:AY TOBY.
TOBY:NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF MY WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGERS SO PLEASE DON'T EVEN ASK.
HARVEY:CAN I HAVE A FRY?
TOBY:OKAY, BUT JUST A COUPLE, HARVEY.I'M NOT GOING TO EAT DINNER UNTIL VERY LATE AND THIS HAS GOT TO HOLD ME OVER.
HARVEY:WHATTYA GOT, A CHURCH FUNCTION?
TOBY:NO, I'M DRIVING TO TOLEDO TO SEE A MOVIE.WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME?
HARVEY:NAH.I GOTTA FLY TO DELAWARE TONIGHT.I'M GETTIN' MARRIED.
TOBY:OH.WHY DELAWARE?
HARVEY:THE CHICK I'M MARRYIN' IS FROM WILMINGTON.PLUS, I GOTTA HELP HER MOVE HER STUFF HERE.WHY YOU DRIVIN' TA TOLEDO TO SEE A MOVIE?
TOBY:IT'S NOT PLAYING AT THE MAPLETOWN.I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND, HARVEY.
HARVEY:YEAH.WE MET LAST WEEK.
HARVEY:TOBY, WHAT MOVIE COULD POSSIBLY BE WORTH DRIVIN' 260 MILES ROUND TRIP FOR?
TOBY:IT'S A NEW FILM CALLED "REVENGE OF THE NERDS." IT'S ABOUT A GROUP OF NERD COLLEGE STUDENTS WHO ARE BEING PICKED ON ALL THE TIME BY THE JOCKS, SO THEY DECIDE TO TAKE REVENGE.I ALREADY SAW IT ONCE.
HARVEY:WOW, YA REALLY DIG THIS MOVIE.
TOBY:I LIKE IT A LOT, HARVEY.
HARVEY:WHAT ARE THESE NERDS LIKE? HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THEM?
TOBY:HMM.NERDS ARE SMART BUT THEY LOOK AND ACT DIFFERENTLY THAN OTHER PEOPLE.LIKE NERDS MIGHT WEAR POLYESTER BUTTON- DOWN SHIRTS AND FLOOD PANTS WHERE THEIR ANKLES AND THEIR SOCKS ARE SHOWING.
HARVEY:SO WHAT YER SAYIN' IS YOU IDENTIFY WITH THOSE NERDS?
TOBY:YES, I CONSIDER MYSELF A NERD.AND THIS MOVIE HAS UPLIFTED ME.THERE'S THIS ONE SCENE WHERE A NERD GRABS THE MICROPHONE DURING A PEP RALLY AND ANNOUNCES THAT HE IS A NERD AND THAT HE IS PROUD OF IT AND STANDS UP FOR THE RIGHTS OF OTHER NERDS.THEN, HE ASKS THE KIDS AT THE PEP RALLY WHO THINK THEY ARE NERDS TO COME FORWARD.SO NEARLY EVERYONE IN THE PLACE DOES.THAT'S THE WAY THE MOVIE ENDS.
HARVEY:SO THE NERDS WON, HUH?
TOBY:YES.
HARVEY:WOW.YOU GOT THIS MOVIE AN' I'M GETTIN' HITCHED.WE BOTH HAD A GOOD MONTH, HUH?
TOBY:RIGHT.HARVEY, HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN DELAWARE BECAUSE I'D REALLY LIKE TO SEE THIS MOVIE WITH YOU?
HARVEY:I'M ONLY GOIN' FOR A WEEK BUT THEN I'LL HAVE A WIFE, SO I'LL HAVE TO TAKE HER ALONG.IS IT A GIRL FLICK?
TOBY:DEPENDS ON THE GIRL.WHAT KIND OF GIRL IS YOUR NEW BRIDE? IS SHE A NERD?
HARVEY:I DON'T KNOW, MAN.MAYBE.SHE'S INTO HERBAL TEAS.
JOYCE:I AGREE WITH TOBY.I THINK IT'S A STORY OF HOPE AND TOLERANCE.
TOBY:YES.IT'S ABOUT TIME THAT THE PEOPLE WHO GET PICKED ON GET TO BE THE HEROES.
HARVEY:IT'S AN ENTERTAINING FLICK AN' I CAN SEE WHY YOU LIKE IT TOBY, BUT THOSE PEOPLE ON THE SCREEN AIN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE YOU! THEY'RE COLLEGE STUDENTS WHOSE PARENTS LIVE IN BIG HOUSES IN THE SUBURBS.THEY'RE GONNA GET DEGREES, GET GOOD JOBS AND STOP BEING NERDS.
JOYCE:HARVEY, WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT LOUD TALKING? USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE.
HARVEY:LOOK TOBY, THE GUYS IN THAT MOVIE ARE NOT 28-YEAR-OLD FILE CLERKS WHO LIVE WITH THEIR GRANDMOTHERS IN AN ETHNIC GHETTO.
JOYCE:THAT'S ENOUGH, HARVEY.
HARVEY:THEY DIDN'T GET THEIR COMPUTERS LIKE YOU DID - BY TRADING IN A BUNCH OF BOX TOPS AND $49.50 AT THE SUPERMARKET.
TOBY:YOU'RE FUNNY HARVEY.
HARVEY:SURE, TOBY.GO TO THE MOVIES AND DAYDREAM, BUT "REVENGE OF THE NERDS" AIN'T REALITY.IT'S JUST HOLLYWOOD BULLSHIT.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):OKAY, MAYBE I WAS BEIN' SO HARSH ON TOBY ONNA COUNT A' MY OWN PROBLEMS.
REAL HARVEY:Y'SEE, I WASN'T EVEN MARRIED A MONTH AND MY OLD LADY WAS ALREADY SHOWIN' SIGNS A' TROUBLE.GRANTED, I TEND TA GET MARRIED FAST 'CAUSE I'LL TAKE ANY WOMAN THAT'LL HAVE ME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY MET MY MATCH.
DIRECTOR:OKAY, I THINK THE THING WITH JOYCE IS THAT AS MANIC AS HARVEY CAN BE, SHE MATCHES HIM WITH DEPRESSION.IN THAT WAY THEY COMPLETE EACH OTHER.I MEAN, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY A VERY SMART WOMAN, BUT SHE HAS A LOT OF TROUBLE FUNCTIONING IN A WORLD SHE CAN'T CONTROL.AND SHE'S TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH ALL THINGS NEGATIVE; Y'KNOW, DISEASES, DYSFUCTIONS, ETC.
JOYCE:WHAT ABOUT THESE 78'S, HARVEY? CAN'T YOU SELL THEM TO ONE OF THOSE COLLECTORS?
HARVEY:ARE YA KIDDING? NO WAY, MAN.I AIN'T GETTING RID OF MY 78'S.
JOYCE:FORGET IT THEN.I GIVE UP! HOW CAN I MAKE MORE STORAGE SPACE, IF YOU WON'T GET RID OF ANYTHING?
HARVEY:I'LL GET RID OF STUFF.JUST NOT MY GOOD STUFF.
JOYCE:EVERYTHING'S YOUR GOOD STUFF.HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE HERE, IF THERE'S NO ROOM FOR ME?
HARVEY:AW COME ON, BABY.I'LL MAKE ROOM FOR YA.YOU JUST HAVE TO GIVE ME TIME.I'M NOT SO GOOD AT THESE KIND OF THINGS.
JOYCE:THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE HARVEY.
HARVEY:C'MON.I DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT PSYCHOBABBLE CRAP!
JOYCE:I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT OR NOT.YOU'RE THE POSTER CHILD FOR THE DSM III.I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I COME FROM A VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY.I CAN SPOT PERSONALITY DISORDERS A MILE AWAY.
TOBY:HELLO JOYCE.IS HARVEY HOME?
JOYCE:BORDERLINE AUTISTIC!
JOYCE:POLYMORPHOUSLY PERVERSE.
JOYCE:PARANOID PERSONALITY DISORDER.
ANSWERING MACHINE:PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE.
HARVEY:HEY JOYCE, IT'S ME.YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS BUT SOME LA PRODUCER CALLED AN' HE WANTS TO DO A PLAY ABOUT MY LIFE.CALL ME!
JOYCE:DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR.
STAGE ACTOR HARVEY:SEE, I THINK COMICS CAN BE AN ART FORM.WITH PICTURES AN' WORDS, A GUY CAN DO PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING!
STAGE ACTOR JOYCE:THAT'S TRUE, HARVEY.BUT I DIDN'T COME ALL THE WAY FROM DELAWARE TO TALK ABOUT COMICS.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):IF YA THINK READIN' COMICS ABOUT YER LIFE SEEMS STRANGE, TRY WATCHIN' A PLAY ABOUT IT.GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW I'LL FEEL WHEN I SEE THIS MOVIE.BUT TRUTH BE TOLD, THE PLAY WASN'T HALF BAD, AND WE GOT A FREE TRIP OUTTA IT.THINGS WERE GOIN' PRETTY GOOD FOR A CHANGE.VARIETY CALLED ME "THE BLUE COLLAR MARK TWAIN," AND DOUBLEDAY WAS INTERESTED IN PUBLISHING AN ANTHOLOGY OF "AMERICAN SPLENDOR."
HARVEY:I HATE CHECKIN' BAGS, MAN.IT ALWAYS TAKES FOREVER.
HARVEY:JESUS, LOOK AT THE TIME.THE BUS IS GONNA LEAVE SOON AND THERE WON'T BE ANOTHER ONE FOR AN HOUR.THAT MEANS I GOTTA SHELL OUT AN EXTRA THIRTY BUCKS FOR A CAB.
HARVEY:HEY WAIT, THERE'S OUR - FIGURES.THAT LUCKY YUPPIE'S GONNA GET ON THE BUS IN TIME.
JOYCE:Y'KNOW HARVEY, VASECTOMIES ARE REVERSIBLE.
HARVEY:DAMN YUPPIES GET EVERYTHING.
JOYCE:ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? I SAID VASECTOMIES ARE REVERSIBLE.
HARVEY:WHAT? WHATTYA TALKIN' ABOUT? I DON'T WANT KIDS.AN' I CAME CLEAN ABOUT MY VASECTOMY THE FIRST TIME I SET EYES ON YA', RIGHT HERE IN THIS AIRPORT.
JOYCE:I KNOW BUT THINGS HAVE CHANGED.I THINK WE CAN BE A FAMILY.
HARVEY:FAMILY?! WHAT KINDA FAMILY COULD WE POSSIBLY BE? I AIN'T NO GOOD WITH KIDS.I CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
JOYCE:I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE KID AND YOU.
HARVEY:NO WAY JOYCE.FORGET IT.I CAN'T DO IT; I CAN'T HAVE NO KIDS.
HARVEY:WHERE THE HELL IS THAT ORNETTE COLEMAN ALBUM, JOYCE? I GOT A REVIEW DUE TOMORROW.
JOYCE:I DIDN'T TOUCH IT, HARVEY.WOULD YOU LET ME SLEEP?
HARVEY:BUT IT'S ONE O'CLOCK! HOW LATE CAN A PERSON SLEEP?
JOYCE:IT HAPPENS TO BE SATURDAY YOU SELFISH SONOFABITCH! AND DON'T YOU GO TELLING ME WHAT TO DO.I'M THE ONE WHO MOVED INTO YOUR CITY, INTO YOUR HOME, INTO YOUR VASECTOMY AND INTO YOUR SCREWED- UP LIFE.THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS ALLOW ME TO LIVE HERE MY WAY.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):I TRIED EVERYTHING BUT NOTHIN' COULD GET THIS WOMAN OUTTA BED.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):I MEAN SHE WOULDN'T GET A JOB, WOULDN'T GO OUT, WOULDN'T MAKE FRIENDS, NOTHIN'.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):JOYCE DIAGNOSED HERSELF AS "CLINICALLY DEPRESSED." I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL SHE WAS GOIN' THROUGH BUT IT WAS SURE TAKIN' IT'S TOLL ON ME.
HARVEY:WE CAN GO OUT FOR DINNER TONIGHT.HOW 'BOUT CATCHING A BITE AT TOMMY'S?
JOYCE:I'M NOT HUNGRY.
HARVEY:I GIVE UP.
HARVEY:HEY JOYCE, WE GOT A MESSAGE HERE.WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK UP.
HARVEY:USELESS.
MALE VOICE:HI, THIS IS A MESSAGE FOR HARVEY PEKAR.MY NAME IS JONATHAN GREENE AND I'M A PRODUCER FOR LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN.WE'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT COMING ON THE SHOW TO PLUG YOUR COMICS.PLEASE GIVE ME A CALL AT 212-555-3333.
HARVEY (O.S.):WHAT THE HELL?
MALE VOICE:HI, THIS IS A MESSAGE FOR HARVEY
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):JOYCE FINALLY GOT OFF THE FUTON.
HARVEY:AW, C'MON.WHO THE HELL CARES?
HARVEY:HEY, WHATTYA DOIN?
JOYCE:MERCHANDISING.
JOYCE:PEOPLE LIKE THIS SHOW?
HARVEY:I'M GETTIN' HUNGRY BACK HERE.THEY OUGHTTA LEAVE YA DONUTS OR SOMETHIN'.
STAGE MANAGER:DAVE'S READY FOR YOU NOW, MR.PEKAR.
HARVEY:HEY, YOU GOT ANYTHING TA EAT? MY STOMACH'S GROWLING.
STAGE MANAGER:THERE'S NO TIME TO EAT NOW.
LETTERMAN:OKAY.OUR NEXT GUEST WORKS AS A FILE CLERK IN A CLEVELAND HOSPITAL.
JOYCE:WAIT A MINUTE.WHERE'S THE DOLL?
HARVEY:HE'S GOT IT AT THE DESK.WILL YOU RELAX ABOUT THAT ALREADY?
STAGE MANAGER:GUYS, GUYS, WE'RE IN A HURRY HERE.
LETTERMAN:.HE ALSO WRITES COMIC BOOKS WHICH DETAIL HIS DAY-TO-DAY PAINS AND PLEASURES, AND THIS IS AN ANTHOLOGY OF NINE OF THOSE COMICS.IT'S ENTITLED AMERICAN SPLENDOR.FROM OFF THE STREETS OF CLEVELAND, PLEASE SAY HELLO TO HARVEY PEKAR.
HARVEY:I'M READY FOR THOSE CLEVELAND JOKES.GO AHEAD.
LETTERMAN:ALRIGHT SETTLE DOWN HARVEY.SETTLE DOWN.NOW LET'S EXPLAIN TO FOLKS WHO MAY NOT BE FAMILIAR WITH YOUR WORK WHAT IT IS YOU DO HERE, EXACTLY.YOU HAVE COMIC BOOKS ABOUT YOU IN YOUR DAILY LIFE IN CLEVELAND.
HARVEY:THAT'S RIGHT.
LETTERMAN:AND ARE THEY EMBELLISHED AT ALL OR IS IT PRETTY MUCH FACTUAL?
HARVEY:NO.IT'S ALL TRUE, DAVID.ALL TRUE.
LETTERMAN:AND YOU ALSO HAVE A REGULAR JOB IN CLEVELAND WORKING AT A HOSPITAL.
HARVEY:THAT'S RIGHT.AIDING THE SICK, YES.
LETTERMAN:AIDING THE SICK.WELL THAT'S CERTAINLY NOBLE WORK.
HARVEY:THANK YOU.THANK YOU.
JOYCE:SUCH BRILLIANT REPARTEE.
LETTERMAN:NOW IT SEEMS TO ME HARVEY THAT YOU HAVE A VERY SUCCESSFUL CAREER HERE.THIS IS BEING PUBLISHED BY A MAJOR PUBLISHING COMPANY, DOUBLEDAY.WHY DO YOU MAINTAIN THE DAY JOB?
HARVEY:TO MAKE A LIVING! I DON'T MAKE A LIVING AS A WRITER.I'VE BEEN WRITING FOR MANY YEARS, DAVID.MAYBE MORE YEARS THAN YOU'VE BEEN ALIVE.
HARVEY:YEAH, I KNOW THAT MY YOUTHFUL APPEARANCE BELIES, YOU KNOW, MY ACTUAL AGE.BUT, I'VE BEEN AROUND FOR A LONG TIME
LETTERMAN REGULAR:YOU KNOW THIS GUY?
JOYCE:I'M BEGINNING TO WONDER.
LETTERMAN:BUT I HAVE A FEELING THOUGH, IF YOU WANTED TO, YOU COULD PROBABLY GET BY ON WHAT YOU MAKE SELLING YOUR WORK.BECAUSE I KNOW PEOPLE ARE AFTER YOU TO WRITE OTHER THINGS.YOU'RE PUBLISHING THIS ANTHOLOGY.
HARVEY:WHO? WHAT PEOPLE? WHAT PEOPLE? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET THAT STUFF?
HARVEY:I'M NO SHOW BIZ PHONEY.I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.COME ON, MAN.
LETTERMAN REGULAR:AT LEAST HE'S KEEPING UP WITH LETTERMAN.
JOYCE:PANDERING IS MORE LIKE IT.
JOYCE:DAMNIT.
LETTERMAN REGULAR:EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JOYCE:I'M TRYING TO GET SOME NEWS.YOU KNOW THERE'S A BIG STORY ABOUT TO BREAK ABOUT THE US SELLING ARMS TO IRAN AND THE CONTRAS.
LETTERMAN REGULAR:THAT'S A MONITOR.
JOYCE:UGH.JUST FORGET IT.
LETTERMAN:HARVEY, I KNOW YOU'VE GOT A JOB.I'VE GOT A JOB.WE'RE BOTH VERY LUCKY.WE BOTH HAVE JOBS.
HARVEY:THEN WHAT'S THE MATTER?
LETTERMAN:WE'VE GOTTA GO.HARVEY I LIKE YOU.I'M ON YOUR SIDE.I ENJOY THE COMIC BOOKS.AND HERE, QUICKLY TELL US ABOUT THE LITTLE DOLL HERE.
HARVEY:MY WIFE MADE IT.
JOYCE:FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD.WATCH THIS.
LETTERMAN:THEY'RE MADE OUT OF YOUR OLD CLOTHING.
HARVEY:THAT'S RIGHT.
LETTERMAN:AND WHAT DO THESE GO FOR?
HARVEY:THIRTY-FOUR BUCKS.
LETTERMAN:THIRTY-FOUR DOLLARS? THIRTY-FOUR DOLLARS FOR THIS?
HARVEY:WHAT ARE YA CHEAP.YOU CHEAPER THAN ME?
LETTERMAN:WOULD YOU PAY THIRTY-FOUR DOLLARS FOR THAT?
HARVEY:NO BUT I'M NOT ASKING IT.MY WIFE IS.
STAGE MANAGER:HE'S A NATURAL.
LETTERMAN REGULAR:HE IS.GOOD STUFF.
STAGE MANAGER:C'MON.YOUR TURN.
HARVEY:WHAD'YA THINK?
JOYCE:MEGALOMANIAC.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):IT BECAME CLEAR PRETTY FAST THAT I WAS INVITED ON THE SHOW JUST FOR LAUGHS.BUT WHAT THE HELL DID I CARE? LETTERMAN WAS AN OKAY GUY.LET HIM TAKE POT SHOTS AT ME, S'LONG AS I GOT PAID AN' GOT TO PLUG MY COMICS.
LETTERMAN:HARVEY, YOU ARE THE EMBODIMENT OF THE AMERICAN DREAM.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):FUNNY THING IS, SOMETHIN' ABOUT ME AND LETTERMAN CLICKED FOR THE VIEWERS.HE KEPT WANTIN' ME BACK.
LETTERMAN:IT IS MY PLEASURE TO WELCOME BACK OUR NEXT GUEST, THE LOVABLE HARVEY PEKAR!
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):HERE WAS THIS SLICK, AMBITIOUS GUY WITH MILLIONS, WINNIN' OVER THE COUNTRY BY MAKIN' LIGHT OF EVERYTHING.AND THEN THERE WAS ME.A MESSY LOSER WITH NO DOUGH WHO TAKES EVERYTHING TOO SERIOUSLY.
LETTERMAN:TELL ME HARVEY, WHAT DO YOU DO TO GET AWAY FROM THE PRESSURE OF BEING - WELL, A FILE CLERK?
HARVEY:GO AHEAD AND LAUGH, FOLKS.BUT HE HAS MORE CONTEMPT FOR YOU THAN I DO!
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):AN IT WASN'T JUST ME GETTIN' ALL THE ATTENTION.AS A RESULT OF MY APPEARANCES ON LETTERMAN, MY BUDDY TOBY RADLOFF LANDED A GIG ON MTV EXTOLLING THE VIRTUES OF WHITE CASTLE BURGERS.
MTV DIRECTOR:CHRIST! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
HARVEY:FUCKIN' YUPPIE OR WHATEVER KINDA FREAK YOU ARE.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):THAT DAY ON THE SET WITH THOSE MTV JERKS, I HAD AN EPIPHANY.IT SEEMED THAT REAL, SALT OF THE EARTH PEOPLE LIKE TOBY AN' ME WERE BEIN' COOPTED BY THESE HUGE CORPORATIONS.WE WERE GETTIN' HELD UP AND RIDICULED AS LOSERS IN THE SYSTEM.WHAT CAN I SAY, IT WAS THE 80'S MAN.
TOBY:HAMBURGERS ARE A SAFER ADDICTION THAN DRUGS.SAY NO TO DRUGS.SAY YES TO WHITE CASTLE!
JOYCE:HARVEY, I'VE BEEN READING ABOUT THESE KIDS WHO GREW UP IN WAR ZONES.PALESTINIANS, ISRAELIS, EL SALVADORIANS, CAMBODIANS.THESE KIDS ARE AMAZING AND THEY'RE
YUPPIE:HEY, YOU'RE THAT GUY FROM THE LETTERMAN SHOW, RIGHT?
HARVEY:YEAH, THAT'S ME.
YUPPIE:THAT'S SO EXCELLENT.YOU AND STUPID PET TRICKS ARE A RIOT.
HARVEY:YEAH? THEN WHY DONTCHA BUY ONE OF MY COMICS, MAN.THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I GO ON THAT DUMB SHOW ANYWAY.
YUPPIE:RIGHT, SURE.LATER, HARVEY PEKAR!
HARVEY:ASSHOLE.
JOYCE:ANYWAY, I WANT TO DO A POLITICAL COMIC BOOK ABOUT THESE KIDS.THERE'S A CONFERENCE IN JERUSALEM IN A FEW WEEKS, AND I CAN START BY DOING INTERVIEWS THERE.
HARVEY:WHOA WHOA, WAIT A SECOND.JERUSALEM? I CAN BARELY DRAG YOU OFF THE FUTON TO GO TO THE LETTERMAN SHOW.
JOYCE:Y'KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE LETTERMAN SHOW.I WANT TO WORK ON SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO ME.SOMETHING THAT MATTERS.
HARVEY:HEY! YOU KNOW I ONLY GO ON THE SHOW FOR THE EXTRA BREAD!
JOYCE:HARVEY.YOU'RE YELLING.
HARVEY:MAYBE IF YOU GOT YER LAZY ASS UP AND GOT A JOB, I COULD WORK ON SOMETHING THAT MATTERS, TOO, HUH?!
HARVEY:I'M SORRY, BABY.I - I'M SORRY.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):I GUESS IT WAS GOOD TA FINALLY SEE JOYCE EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHIN' OF HER OWN.SURE I WAS HAPPY FOR HER.BUT I WAS STILL UPSET FOR ME.
HARVEY:THIS IS CRAZY.CAN'T YA JUST DO SOMETHIN' HERE IN CLEVELAND?
JOYCE:HARVEY, YOU'LL SURVIVE A FEW WEEKS ALONE.
HARVEY:ALRIGHT.BE CAREFUL.I LOVE YOU, BABY.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):IT WAS LATER THAT NIGHT WHEN I FIRST FOUND THE LUMP.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):I WAS DETERMINED TO PUT IT OUTTA MY MIND UNTIL JOYCE GOT BACK.EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
HARVEY:WHAT DO I CARE! JUST GIMME THE CHART ALREADY!
MIGUEL:WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM TODAY?!
HARVEY:LOOK, MIGUEL! I JUST DON'T WANNA KEEP COMIN' BACK HERE FOR IT, OKAY?!
MIGUEL:HARVEY, THAT PATIENT'S DUE T'BE ADMITTED A WEEK FROM NOW! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE PICKING FIGHTS WITH EVERYBODY?
HARVEY:HOW MANY TIMES DO WE GOTTA GO THROUGH THE SAME BULLSHIT.JUST GIMME THE FUCKIN' CHART!
MIGUEL:WE'LL SEE WHAT THE DOCTOR SAYS ABOUT THIS.
HARVEY:WHADYA MEAN? ANOTHER TWO WEEKS? YA GOTTA COME HOME SOME TIME! HELLO? DAMNIT!
LETTERMAN REGULAR (O.S.):AND THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS! ANOTHER ENLIGHTENING EPISODE OF STUPID PET TRICKS!
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):I WAS STARTIN' TA LOSE IT.BETWEEN THE LUMP, THE LONELINESS - I FELT LIKE EVERYTHING WUZ CLOSIN' IN ON ME.AND WITH JOYCE OVER THERE SAVIN' THE WORLD, I NEVER FELT MORE LIKE A SELL-OUT HACK IN MY LIFE.
LETTERMAN REGULAR (O.S.):Y'KNOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHEN THOREAU WROTE THAT MOST MEN LEAD LIVES OF QUIET DEPRESSION, HE OBVIOUSLY HAD NOT MET OUR FIRST GUEST, WHO HAPPENS TO LEAD A LIFE OF WHINING DESPERATION.
HARVEY:OKAY, ASSHOLE.YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT ONE.
LETTERMAN REGULAR (O.S.):LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME BACK, HARVEY PEKAR.
HARVEY (O.S.):HEY, DAVE! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MY POLITICS ARE? I'M A STRIDENT LEFTIST, DAVE.
LETTERMAN (O.S.):I COULD HAVE GUESSED HALF OF THAT.
HARVEY (O.S.):YOU COULDA GUESSED ALL OF IT, MAN! SO WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT YOUR PARENT COMPANY, G.E., HUH? LET'S TALK ABOUT ANTI-TRUST VIOLATIONS AND NUCLEAR REACTORS!
STAGE MANAGER:JOE, PUT MORE SODAS IN THE FRIDGE, THERE.AND LET'S CLEAN UP THE COUNTERS.THAT PEKAR GUY'S A PIG.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT #2:WHOA.YOU GUYS.CHECK THIS OUT.
HARVEY (O.S.):YOU'RE A COP-OUT, LETTERMAN.YOU'RE NOTHIN' BUT A SHILL FOR G.E.
LETTERMAN (O.S.):FIRST OF ALL, HARVEY, WHAT YOU ARE SAYING IS NOT TRUE.SECOND OF ALL, THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO SAY IT.IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT IT HERE!
HARVEY (O.S.):DON'T WORRY, DAVE.I WON'T COME BACK UNLESS YOU BEG ME.
LETTERMAN (O.S.):YOU'RE NOT COMING BACK AT ALL.
HARVEY (O.S.):WHAT DO I CARE
LETTERMAN (O.S.):BECAUSE WE'VE GIVEN YOU MANY, MANY CHANCES TO TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT WOULD BE OF GENERAL INTEREST TO PEOPLE
HARVEY (O.S.):SO WHAT?!
LETTERMAN (V.O.):- AND ALSO TO PROMOTE YOUR LITTLE MICKEY MOUSE MAGAZINE.YOUR LITTLE WEEKLY READER! BUT YOU'VE BLOWN EVERY CHANCE YOU'VE GOT.YOU'RE A DORK, HARVEY!
HARVEY (V.O.):DAVE, YOU'RE FULLA SHIT! YOU'RE FULLA SHIT!
JOYCE:I GUESS YOU DID IT THIS TIME.
HARVEY:WHO CARES.HE WASN'T HELPIN' MY SALES ANYWAY.BABY, DON'T GO AWAY ANYMORE.I JUST CAN'T TAKE BEIN' ALONE.
JOYCE:IF YOU MET THOSE KIDS OVER THERE AND SAW WHAT THEY GO THROUGH, YOU WOULDN'T ASK THAT OF ME.
HARVEY:BUT IF YOU GO AGAIN I'M REALLY GONNA LOSE IT.
JOYCE:IT'S NOT OPEN FOR DISCUSSION, HARVEY.I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.
JOYCE:BUT I DO APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT YOU MISSED ME SO MUCH.C'MERE.
JOYCE:HARVEY, WHAT IS THAT?
JOYCE:I DON'T UNDERSTAND, DOES "TUMOR" MEAN THE SAME THING AS "CANCER"?
DOCTOR #2:.CAT SCAN.DIAGNOSIS.MRI.CANCER.CANCER.CANCER.
HARVEY:HOW CAN I HAVE CANCER? I DON'T FEEL SICK AT ALL.
JOYCE:THAT'S A POSITIVE THING.
HARVEY:MY COUSIN NORMAN DIED OF LYMPHOMA.HE WAS TWENTY-NINE.HE WAS A BRILLIANT ONCOLOGIST.
JOYCE:STOP IT! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE, HARVEY.YOU'RE NOT.
HARVEY:WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU, BABY? WHO'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU IF I'M NOT AROUND?
JOYCE:HARVEY, LOOK AT ME AND FOCUS.WE ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS.I UNDERSTAND ILLNESS.I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THESE THINGS.
HARVEY:BUT THAT'S YOU.I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH.I DON'T KNOW HOW TA BE POSITIVE.I CAN'T DO IT.I CAN'T.
JOYCE:YES, YOU CAN.AND I'LL TELL YOU HOW.YOU'LL MAKE A COMIC BOOK OUT OF THE WHOLE THING.YOU'LL DOCUMENT EVERY LITTLE DETAIL.AND THAT WAY YOU'LL REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE EXPERIENCE UNTIL IT'S OVER.
HARVEY:I CAN'T DO THAT.I'M JUST NOT STRONG ENOUGH.I JUST WANNA DIE.
JOYCE:FINE.I'LL DO IT WITHOUT YOU.
FRED:HEY, I'M FRED.YOU CALLED ME ABOUT THE COMIC BOOK?
JOYCE:RIGHT - THE ARTIST.COME ON IN.
FRED:THIS IS MY DAUGHTER, DANIELLE.I HAD TO BRING HER ALONG.I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
JOYCE:HI, DANIELLE.WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE HOLDING?
DANIELLE:A PONY.
JOYCE:A PONY? WHAT'S HIS NAME?
DANIELLE:SHE'S A GIRL.CLARISSA.
JOYCE:OH, I SEE.WELL, I'M JOYCE.NICE TO MEET BOTH YOU AND CLARISSA.
FRED:I'M REALLY SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT HARVEY.IS HE HERE?
JOYCE:HE'S GOING TO WORK UNTIL NEXT WEEK, WHEN HE STARTS THE CHEMO.THAT'S WHY I WANNA GET THIS PROJECT STARTED NOW.ONCE HE'S STUCK HERE, I KNOW HE'LL TAKE OVER.
HARVEY:SHIT!
HARVEY:DAMNIT!
HARVEY:JOYCE, OPEN THE DOOR! I LOST MY KEYS AGAIN! JOYCE!
HARVEY:JOYCE! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!
FRED:HEY, HARVEY.
HARVEY:FRED?
FRED:HERE ARE SOME IDEAS WE BATTED AROUND.
HARVEY:SHEESH.JOYCE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING.THERE'S TOO MANY WORDS IN THESE FRAMES.WHEN ARE YA COMIN' BACK?
FRED:UH, SHE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT NEXT TUESDAY, WHICH IS FINE WITH ME.ONLY THING IS, I MIGHT HAVE THE KID AGAIN.MY EX-WIFE'S SUPPOSED TO TAKE HER, BUT I DON'T HAVE MUCH FAITH IN HER SHOWING UP.SHE IS IN WORSE SHAPE THAN ME THESE DAYS.
HARVEY:NEXT WEEK MY TREATMENT BEGINS.DO ME A FAVOR.BRING THE KID WITH YOU.
HARVEY:I WANNA DIE.JUST LET ME DIE.
HARVEY:JOYCE.JOYCE?
JOYCE:WHAT'S WRONG, HARVEY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?
JOYCE:WHAT IS IT?
HARVEY:TELL ME THE TRUTH.AM I SOME GUY WHO WRITES ABOUT HIMSELF IN A COMIC BOOK? OR AM I JUST - JUST A CHARACTER IN THAT BOOK?
JOYCE:HARVEY.
HARVEY:WHEN I DIE, WILL 'DAT CHARACTER KEEP GOIN'? OR WILL HE JUST FADE AWAY.
JOYCE:OMIGOD, HARVEY! HARVEY, WAKE UP!
HARVEY:MY NAME IS HARVEY PEKAR.IT'S AN UNUSUAL NAME - HARVEY PEKAR.
HARVEY:1960 WAS THE YEAR I GOT MY FIRST APARTMENT AND MY FIRST TELEPHONE BOOK.IMAGINE MY SURPRISE WHEN I LOOKED UP MY NAME AND SAW THAT, IN ADDITION TO ME, ANOTHER HARVEY PEKAR WAS LISTED!
HARVEY:I WAS LISTED AS HARVEY L.PEKAR.MY MIDDLE NAME IS LAWRENCE.HE WAS LISTED AS HARVEY PEKAR - NO MIDDLE INITIAL.THEREFORE, HIS WAS A PURER LISTING.
HARVEY:THEN, IN THE SEVENTIES, I NOTICED THAT A THIRD HARVEY PEKAR WAS LISTED IN THE PHONE BOOK! THIS FILLED ME WITH CURIOSITY.
HARVEY:HOW COULD THERE BE THREE PEOPLE WITH SUCH AN UNUSUAL NAME IN THE WORLD, LET ALONE IN ONE CITY?!
HARVEY:THEN ONE DAY, A PERSON I WORKED WITH EXPRESSED HER SYMPATHY TO ME CONCERNING WHAT SHE THOUGHT WAS THE DEATH OF MY FATHER.SHE POINTED OUT AN OBITUARY NOTICE IN THE NEWSPAPER FOR A MAN NAMED HARVEY PEKAR.ONE OF HIS SONS WAS NAMED HARVEY.THESE WERE THE OTHER HARVEY PEKARS.
HARVEY:SIX MONTHS LATER, HARVEY PEKAR JR.DIED.ALTHOUGH I'D MET NEITHER MAN, I WAS FILLED WITH SADNESS."WHAT WERE THEY LIKE," I THOUGHT.IT SEEMED THAT OUR LIVES HAD BEEN LINKED IN SOME INDEFINABLE WAY.
HARVEY:BUT THE STORY DOES NOT END THERE.FOR TWO YEARS LATER ANOTHER HARVEY PEKAR APPEARED IN THE DIRECTORY.WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE THESE? WHERE DO THEY COME FROM, WHAT DO THEY DO? WHAT'S IN A NAME?
HARVEY:WHO IS HARVEY PEKAR?
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):HERE'S OUR MAN A YEAR LATER.SOMEHOW I MADE IT THROUGH THE TREATMENTS, AN' THE DOCTORS ARE OPTIMISTIC.I GUESS JOYCE WAS RIGHT ABOUT DOIN' THE BIG COMIC BOOK.WE PUBLISHED THE THING AS A GRAPHIC NOVEL - OUR FIRST COLLABORATION - AND ENDED UP WITH RAVE REVIEWS.WE EVEN WON THE AMERICAN BOOK AWARD.GO FIGURE.
HARVEY:HEY JOYCE.
JOYCE:WHAT IS IT HARVEY?
HARVEY:THAT WAS THE DOCTOR.
HARVEY:HE SAID I'M ALL CLEAR.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):THE WEIRDEST THING THAT CAME OUTTA MY ILLNESS WAS DANIELLE.WITH HER REAL MOTHER RUNNIN' AROUND WHO KNOWS WHERE, AN' SEEIN' HOW WELL HER AND JOYCE GOT ON, FRED DECIDED SHE'D HAVE A BETTER LIFE WITH US.I WAS SCARED AT FIRST BUT THEN I THOUGHT, WHAT THE HELL.SHE'S A GOOD KID.SO WE ENDED UP TAKIN' HER AN' RAISING HER AS OUR OWN.
HARVEY:YA KEEP READIN' 'EM BACKWARD.
DANIELLE:I LIKE READING THEM BACKWARD.IS THAT YOU?
HARVEY:I KEEP TELLIN' YA, ALL OF 'EMS ME, MAN.
DANIELLE:YOU LOOK LIKE A MONSTER.
HARVEY:YEAH, WELL WAIT'LL YA SEE WHAT YOU'RE GONNA LOOK LIKE.
DANIELLE:ME??
HARVEY:SURE.YER PART OF THE STORY TOO, NOW.
DANIELLE:WHAT STORY?
HARVEY:THE STORY OF MY LIFE.
HARVEY:YEAH, I KNOW I'M NOT AS INTERESTING AS THE LITTLE MERMAID AND ALL THAT MAGICAL CRAP.
DANIELLE:MAYBE I WANT TO WRITE MY OWN COMIC.
HARVEY:OH YEAH? WHAT ABOUT?
DANIELLE:I DON'T KNOW YET.BUT NOT ABOUT YOU.YOU HAVE ENOUGH ALREADY.
HARVEY:YA KNOW, YOU SHOULD WRITE ABOUT THINGS IN YOUR OWN LIFE.LIKE SCHOOL AND.PONIES.I DON'T KNOW, GIRL STUFF.
DANIELLE:DO YOU HAVE TO HOLD MY HAND?
HARVEY:WHAT, ARE YOU EMBARRASSED A' ME? I KNOW, I'M EMBARRASSING.I FELT THE SAME WAY ABOUT MY FATHER.
DANIELLE:NO HARVEY.YOU'RE JUST SQUEEZING IT TOO HARD.JOYCE IS RIGHT.YOU ARE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):YEAH, SO I GUESS COMICS BROUGHT ME A LOT.BUT DON'T THINK THIS IS SOME SUNNY, HAPPY ENDING.EVERY DAY IS STILL A MAJOR STRUGGLE.JOYCE AN' I FIGHT LIKE CRAZY, AN' SHE BARELY WORKS.THE KID'S GOT A.D.D.AND IS A REAL HANDFUL.MY EXPENSES HAVE GONE UP SO MUCH THAT I'M WRITIN' FREELANCE 'ROUND THE CLOCK, JUST TO MAKE MY BILLS.MY LIFE IS TOTAL CHAOS.
REAL HARVEY (V.O.):WITH A LITTLE LUCK, I'LL GET A WINDOW OF GOOD HEALTH BETWEEN RETIRIN' AN DYIN'.THE GOLDEN YEARS, RIGHT? WHO KNOWS.BETWEEN MY PENSION AND THE CHUNK OF CHANGE I GOT FOR THIS MOVIE, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SWING SOMETHIN'.SURE I'LL LOSE THE WAR EVENTUALLY, BUT THE GOAL IS TO WIN A FEW SKIRMISHES ALONG THE WAY.RIGHT?

